Someone stole my friend's wheelchair.
SGSecurity Guard
What's it look like?
It's a chair... with wheels.
S1 E6Sleepover
[Francis is hanging upside down]
SStevenson
You are hanging over a bottomless pit. In five seconds, I will cut the rope. Are you scared now?
I'm really not. No.
SStevenson
[dropping the executioner's hood] Why not? This stuff is way scary.
I'm sorry, but this feels so amateurish. I mean I know you guys are trying, but I've been tormented by the best. Let me tell you a little bit about the master.
[Flashbacks occurs with Lois embarrassing a child Francis by yelling at the referee for a traveling foul. Then, it switches to a teenage Francis being more embarrassed by Lois as she shows his girlfriend his baby pictures in the photo album. Finally it switches to Lois in the boys locker room at Marlin Academy.]
[Yelling at Francis after he got out of the shower in a towel] It's an 8 inch scratch on the car, Francis. Do you know how much it's gonna cost to fix? If you think you are ever, ever, borrowing my car again, you are sadly mistaken. And I saw that tattoo, Jimmy. I'm telling your mother.
[flashback ends] And that's the stuff I didn't block out.
[The cult realizes the scare tactic wasn't working and decides to try something new. They replace the photo of a tormented man with a photo of Lois.]
[Francis is hanging upside down]
SStevenson
You are hanging over a bottomless pit. In five seconds, I will cut the rope. Are you scared now?
I'm really not. No.
SStevenson
[dropping the executioner's hood] Why not? This stuff is way scary.
I'm sorry, but this feels so amateurish. I mean I know you guys are trying, but I've been tormented by the best. Let me tell you a little bit about the master.
[Flashbacks occurs with Lois embarrassing a child Francis by yelling at the referee for a traveling foul.]
Traveling? He wasn't traveling! Why don't you put your glasses on here, buddy? You're missing a great game! Oh, you're gonna give me a technical? You're gonna give me a technical? YOU CAN'T GIVE ME A TECHNICAL!
[Then, it switches to a teenage Francis being more embarrassed by Lois as she shows his girlfriend his baby pictures in the photo album.]
Look at the little pee-pee. Oh, Francise, I forgot how tiny you are. Oh, that's the moment of his birth. You see? See him comin' out feet-first? Doctor said it was the biggest mucus plug they'd ever seen.
[Finally it switches to Lois in the boys locker room at Marlin Academy.]
[Yelling at Francis after he got out of the shower in a towel] It's an 8 inch scratch on the car, Francis! Do you know how much that's gonna cost to fix? If you think you are ever, ever, borrowing my car again, you are sadly mistaken! And I saw that tattoo, Jimmy! I'm telling your mother.!
[flashback ends] And that's the stuff I didn't block out.
[The cult realizes the scare tactic wasn't working and decides to try something new. They replace the photo of a tormented man with a photo of Lois.]
S1 E7Francis Escapes
All right, I've had it! You two are banned from Nintendo.
OK! We're already banned from Nintendo.
[to audience] The sad thing is, he thinks he's outsmarted her.
[After finding out Francis escaped]
Mom, I think he's okay. [Lois looks up, Malcolm turns to the camera] Uh-oh, tactical error.
What do you mean?
I mean, he's always okay.
Malcolm, I know you like Francis as much as we do, so if you have any idea...
Oh, for God's sake. [to Malcolm] WHERE IS HE!!!
He came here to see Beebee. He's meeting her tonight. [to the camera] Oh my God, how did she do that?
I knew it. When did you talk to him?
Don't look at her eyes. Don't look at her... [Lois grabs Malcolm's head to face towards her] This morning and Dewey shoved a sandwich in the VCR.
Fate is just what you call it when you don't know the name of the person screwing you over.
S1 E8Krelboyne Picnic
Hey, what am I thinking right now?
I'm smart, I'm not a psychic.
Can you understand what dogs are saying?
No.
I can.
[about Malcolm's class picnic] There won't be any meat. They all decided they didn't want to eat anything that has a mother.
Cousin Nancy doesn't have a mother.
That's right. She has two daddies.
Two guys as your parents? That house has to be a dude's paradise.
S1 E9Lois vs. Evil
[Hal comes home to see Reese and Malcolm kneeling with their noses against a door]
Oh, hello, boys. How long are you in for?
Another hour.
Yeaow.
It's been ten days since Mom lost her job. Yesterday for dinner we had macaroni and rice. Today, it's rice and macaroni.
[Confronting Mr. Pinter] Yes, I guess we do. For instance, I think it's wrong for you to put your name in sales reports you didn't write. I think it's wrong you keep a bag of herbs in your bottom left drawer. I think it's wrong you slept with the district manager's wife. And you want to know something, you don't even have to worry about it because I think it's wrong to blab this kind of thing. You know you should be glad that I'm the only one who knows this stuff about you. Anyone else here would sell you down the river in a second. God, I'm so much better than you.
S1 E10Stock Car Races
[Malcolm and Reese are watching cartoons; Dewey gets in front of the TV]
What are you looking at, monkey boy?
[hits himself] Ow! Ow! Ow! Reese!
What are you doing?
[continues hitting himself] Ow! Help! Ow! Mom, help!
Cut it out!
Ow! Ow! It hurts! Ow!
Knock it off, you little...
[from the other room] REESE!! [approaches them] What the heck are you doing? Honest to God, you can't leave him alone for 5 minutes without picking on him!
I didn't do anything!
No!
He was lying!
[Dewey takes Reese's spot]
[to the camera] I gave him that.
Malcolm, what is all that stuff from your teacher? That woman sends home two or three fliers every day.
She says she wants the parents to be involved as possible with the children.
At school? It's the only break I get!
S1 E11Funeral
I think is time to move to plan B: lying.
[Scene switches to the kitchen]
What book report?
I just remembered. I have a big book report due tomorrow, and I haven't even started reading it. [to the camera] Standard technique. You volunteer a small crime to distract them from looking for the big one.
So what's the report on?
[[A Tale of Two Cities].
Oh, how many words?
750.
Was that on your assignment sheet?
No, it's an addendum.
When did you get that?
Thursday. I didn't bring it home. That's why I forgot to do the assignment. [to the camera] Oh, nice one.
Well, I suppose that if it's school work.
[to the camera] That's the mislead. Wait for the reverse.
A Tale of Two Cities. Who's that by?
Charles Dickens.
Oh, I thought it was Victor Hugo.
No, it's Dickens.
Is that the one with Jean Valjean?
That's Les Miserables.
No, no. Isn't A Tale of Two Cities the one with Jean Valjean, where he says: "It's a far, far, better thing I do..." right before he steals the loaf of bread?
No. Sidney Carton says that before they behead him.
I thought you hadn't read it.
What? No, I said I hadn't written it.
And when is it due?
Tomorrow, I told you.
On Les Miserables?
Yes. No. A Tale of Two Cities.
Which you haven't read yet.
Right.
But you just said you did.
No. I-I said I didn't... and then you said... it was Thursday, and... [shouting angrily] Look, I just don't want to go to this stupid funeral!
Mom, I can't wear Reese's hand-me-downs. Look at this, Jell-o in the pockets, the fly's broken, and it smells like wet dog.
You should be glad he only wore it the one time.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Malcolm in the Middle pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.