Life on Mars · Season 1, Episode 5
“The Footie” · Season 1, Episode 5
In this episode: Gene Hunt (11), Sam Tyler (9), DS Ray Carling (4)
[Gene and Sam need to get a pub landlord out of the way so that they can go undercover]
Ray! Go and arrest the landlord of the Trafford Arms.
What for?
Think of something on the way.
[Later]
In a bizarre twist of fate, the landlord was arrested this afternoon... on suspicion of cattle rustling.
[Ray takes a bow and receives a round of applause]
We havent got any plates.
Improvise!
[a little while later]
What's this?
It's chicken... in a basket.
I'm arresting you for the theft of a motor vehicle, resisting arrest... and driving like a div.
Chris, you're a div. Get in.
If it was to do with football, he'd have serious injuries.
He's dead! That's quite serious.
There will never be a woman prime minister as long as I have a hole in my arse.
Oi! Referee! Has anyone ever told you you need glasses, you dozy git? Next time, I run you over!
I think it was a heart attack.
Then it must've exploded out of his arse, there's blood all down his back.
Time to liven things up a bit. Hard to keep your stories straight when you're pissed. You ask my missus.
I'm not sure that's ethical.
It's not. It's vodka.
Why did you promise him, Sam? Daddies always let you down, don't they?
Juries love all that. Makes 'em feel like Columbo.
[To Peter Bond, a football fan who has beat Colin Clay, a fellow supporter, to death in order to provoke a riot between opposing supporters]
You know nothing about football! [Punches Bond, winding him] I used to go to football with my dad. United and City fans used to walk to the match together. Our next door neighbour, he had a City flag up in his window. Kids used to play together in the street - red and blue. But then people like you came along and you took it away from us.
A good punch up's all part of the game! It's about pride. Pride in your team. Being the best!
No it isn't! This is how it starts and then it escalates. It gets on the telly and in the press, and then other fans from other clubs start trying to out do each other. And then it becomes about hate! And then it's nothing to do with football any more! It's about gangs and scumbags like you roaming the country seeing who can cause the most trouble. And then we overreact, and we have to put up perimeter fences and we treat the fans like animals! Forty, fifty thousand people herded into pens! And then how long before something happens, eh? How long before something terrible happens and we are dragging bodies out?
[Snatching Bond's ticket for the match away from him]
That's mine!
This doesn't belong to you. This belongs to decent people, who work hard all week and take their kids to the match on a Saturday! People like Colin Clay!
[After the case has been resolved, proving both Gene and Sam equally correct about the crime]
I'm ready anytime.
[Bewildered] For what?
An apology. Was this or was this not about football?
Was the killer drinking with him in the Trafford Arms?
Don't make excuses; I'm right, you're wrong, admit it. Was this about football?
Not in the way you thought.
Still about football!
The only reason we caught him was because I persuaded you to go undercover! All you were doing before that was dragging hooligans in!
Still about football!
[Frustrated] You just will not be proved wrong, will you?! You know, that's very childish!
No it is not.
[Childishly] Is!
[Equally childishly] Isn't!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Life on Mars pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
