Eliot quotes from Leverage

Eliot

You realize the last guy that pushed Hoffman ended up dead.

Yeah, well, let him take his best shot. We'll see who walks away this time.

[to Eliot] Prison's changed him.

Eliot

Better or worse?

I'm not sure.

Now, I rigged my laptop to record your com. Now this means that I can alter your pitch from anywhere to make you sound like Darth Eliot...

Eliot

[voice like Darth Vader] I don't speak on command, Hardison.

...to Spencer Smurf.

Eliot

[voice like Smurf] I don't speak on command, Hardison.

Eliot

Hardison.

Don't ever do the Smurf thing again?

Eliot

Riiiight.

You ever been in love?

Eliot

Once.

How'd it end?

Eliot

I made her a promise that if she ever need me, I would be there for her.

What's wrong with that?

Eliot

'Cause I made the same promise to the United States Government, and I found out you can't make that promise to more than one person.

Eliot

There's a price on my head in three different countries and I'm fairly certain a fatwa was issued!

You are so vain, man. Boom, there, fan site nuked, but when you get back, we gonna have us a serious conversation about the difference between caution and paranoia.

Eliot

When you've done the things I've done, there's no such thing as paranoia.

You can come with me, you know. You're a natural-born country star if I've ever seen one. Maybe the next Johnny and June?

Eliot

Some roads, you start going down, well, you can't turn back, and... I'm about a hundred miles down one of those right now.

What's that smell?

Eliot

Fresh air.

I don't like it.

Eliot

Smell that?

Smell death? Yes I do.

We wouldn't even be in this mess if you didn't want to go fishing! I coulda taken you down to Mama Pearl's Fish Shack and got you a catfish, two pieces, and a biscuit for $5.99! But instead you got us out here with trigger-happy Joes trying to fish us! And he's all too happy to shoot himself a Negro!

Eliot

Oh so this is a black thing now? Is that it? There's hunting me too!

You're damn Skippy it's a black thing! Who did they try to shoot first, Eliot?! Who got punched first, Eliot?! Me! I'm about tired of the redneckedness!

Eliot

Damn it, Hardison!

Damn it, Eliot!

You're going to go toe to toe with these guys without a plan?

Oh we have a plan, it's called C.W.A.

Eliot

Can of Whoop Ass.

Eliot

You feeling confident?

No-o-ot really.

Eliot

Good, cause overconfidence can kill you faster than a bullet any day. Fear's good.

Oh, I have fear. And doubt. And really serious regrets. I should be fine.

Wait! Hold up. You told her?

Eliot

I should have known. You're a menace, Parker.

Parker

What? She deserved a chance.

Nate is going to kill you.

Eliot

I'm going to kill you.

Parker

Oh, stop whining!

Eliot

I got hit by a car!

Parker

[mocking] "I got hit by a car" ... Get over it!

Eliot

I'm gonna kill her, man. I'm gonna kill her.

Hey! Hey! Nobody's gonna kill anybody. Seriously though, Nate is going to kill you.

Wait, wait, wait, who are you people?

Parker

WE'RE THE GOOD GUYS!

Eliot

Damn it, Parker, where'd you learn to drive?

Parker

Before I stole cars I was a getaway driver.

Before? You started stealing cars when you were twelve.

Young Parker

[flashback] Get out of the way you old bat!

Parker

Get out of the way you old bat!

Eliot

That will give us enough time to find the bomb.

Oh yeah, plenty of time. Meanwhile, I will be here, in the van, as far away from the mine as possible. My dude, go with God.

Hey, hey. What is this? I thought we were supposed to be, uh, finding Moreau.

Sophie

This is more important.

More important? We don't find Moreau, I might go back to prison forever.

Sophie

Oh, shush. You did fine in prison the first time.

Eliot

You got in shape.

Parker

Yeah, you look good in a jumpsuit.

[Upset] Learned how to hypnotize people.

Sophie

When I started telling them about one of my finest jobs ever...

Eliot

But I know she's lying.

She's a grifter. It's her job.

Parker

Wait, I'm confused. Now, she's lying about lying?