Eliot quotes from Leverage

Tara

So what do we do now?

Parker

Cut off his arms. And his head. Yeah. I wanna kill him. Can we make that happen?

Eliot

Yeah, I can…I mean, I could…

Or we could give him exactly what he wants…and then make the world think that he's the greatest psychic that ever lived, and then in front of the network and his audience, we destroy him.

Eliot

How do we do that?

We go and steal the future.

Parker

So what? Kusen has a secret and he's gonna kill Rand so he doesn't reveal it? That'd be good.

Eliot

No, you wanna kill someone, you don't get out and throw them in a van. You don't get out of your seat.

All right, Kusen needs Rand for his psychic abilities. That's why he's being so secretive around his wife.

Parker

So let me get this straight. We did such a good job of convincing Rand was really a psychic that we got him kidnapped.

Which means we have to find him, rescue him, and then, you know, take him down.

We need more boxes.

Parker

And a lot of luck.

Eliot

Yeah, well, I think we used up all our luck on finding this place.

Wha—Hold, hold, hold on, man. You know what? It ain't luck, okay. Finding the perfect place to end a treasure hunt is a testimony to my intellectual prowess.

Ow!

Eliot

What? It's baby clothes.

It says 'books', man!

Eliot

[grinning] Does it?

Eliot

I left early, man. Huh? Bottom of the ninth.

Excuse you, rudeness. I'm explaining the con. It's very complicated.

Eliot

Really? The mayor gives us a check and we deposit it in some company you connected back to him and it looks like he's embezzling from his campaign funds. [Give him a fake gasp and then turns to Nate] Bottom of the ninth, man. I had to walk off a single, man. Crowd goes nuts.

That's—that not all there is, okay? We got—there's—there's the Bonnano thing. We got—

Eliot

What? We give Bonnano's notes to the newspaper, man. [to Nate again] They named a sandwich after me at T.J. Philbman's.

Tara

Ah.

Parker

Ooh

Eliot

Huh?

I give it to you, man. A sandwich is pretty cool.

You want to walk away? Walk away.

Eliot

I'm not walking away.

Walk away.

Eliot

That's not my job. My job is to get your back, and Nate, I'm gonna do it, all the way down. But I need you to do your job.

And what's that?

Parker

Be Nathan Ford. Be the person we came back for.

Parker

This is hopeless. And it smells.

Eliot

How many ships left on the list?

Parker

Eight hundred.

Eliot

Sweet.

Parker

Yeah.

Tara

This is hopeless.

Parker

And it smells.

Tara

Yes! Like old clown shoes.

Parker

Rotting despair.

[On the phone with Kadjic] They killed my FBI handlers. They murdered them! And they cut them into pieces, and put them in a bathtub. Into a hotel bathtub!

[To Nate] Is this true?

To be fair, [nods at Eliot] he did most of the cutting.

Eliot

Thank you, I appreciate it.

You work hard.

Tara

I hate to cut goodbyes short, but they're playing my song.

Eliot

Keep out of trouble.

Or if you want to get in trouble again...

Eliot

He don't wanna do it.

Parker

Aw. But I love jumping on elevators!

I know.

Parker

This is my special elevator rig you got me for Christmas.

This is just to sell the con, right?

Eliot

Yeah, it's to sell the con. Nate, do you know what I did to the last guy who tried to run a con on his own team?

[nervously] Are we okay, Eliot?

What, are you lurking?

Eliot

Yeah. I'm a lurker. It's my thing.

Eliot

Nobody else thinks it's weird that you can just buy anybody's yearbook online?

You know, it's real cute, man, how you still believe in privacy.

Eliot

Getting bullied in high school is not an excuse for propping up dictators. Look, take Hardison. He got bullied his whole high school career. He's not a criminal.

Sophie

[At the same time] Um, uh, think about that.

Parker

[At the same time] Yeah, he is.

Eliot

Not a bad criminal.

Hey, what makes you think I was bullied in high school?

Eliot

FYA, you got a Green Hornet doll!

First of all, it's a limited edition action figure. Second, it's Green Lantern. Educate yourself.

Parker

It's not an ASCII code, it's a shell code.

Eliot

That's great! You're awesome! Let's go!

I am the Super-Skrull. Okay? I have all y'all's skills. I hack, I grift, I thieve.

Eliot

Do you fight?

I have a dog for that. Name's Megabite.