Eliot quotes from Leverage

Eliot

[on the phone] Why are you sending second-rate thugs to try and kill me?

[looking offended] Hmmmm?

Eliot

If I'm not honest with you, you can't improve.

Parker

Nate.

[Grinning] I think you're all forgetting to ask yourself one simple, crucial question.

Eliot

What?!

Well the question is who is the insurance company for the dagger of Aqu'abi?

Sophie

No...

Eliot

You've got to be kidding me.

Ah, man.

Eliot

I got your turpentine, got your, uh, walnut oil, by the way, which I purchased from a very stunning vegan chick, so thank you for that, a bucket of soot...it's everywhere.

Ah hah, thanks, E. Way to get your hands dirty.

Eliot

[picks up a rag and starts to clean his hands] Thank you.

Hey, put that down man, that's my paper.

Eliot

It's a rag.

No, that's what printers used to make paper back in the 1700's. Use a moist towelette, please and thank you.

Eliot

What's that smell?

...You don't wanna know how they wet the paper back in the day.

Eliot

[grabbing lots of moist towelettes] Did you--

Do not ask me, man.

Eliot

Dammit, Hardison!

Eliot

You want me to stall them? They're former British paratroopers.

How do you--

Eliot

Haircuts, all right? It's a very distinctive haircut.

Sophie

You watch hockey fights, alone, at night, in your room?

Eliot

Yeah. You never know if you're gonna have to fight a guy on ice.

All right, so when his partying gets him into hot water, who does he call?

Parker

Ghostbusters!

Eliot

Again?

Eliot

All right, Nate, the guy in the bed with the dead hooker con is up and running.

Hey, man, it's called the Vegas Wake-Up Call.

Eliot

No, it's not, all right? In the Vegas Wake-Up Call, the boyfriend shows up.

No, he doesn't!

I want a Rubbery Robby!

Eliot

You're gonna get a Sammy spanking, you don't get off my lap.

Eliot

You bought us gifts?

Sophie

Oh, I wouldn't say that, exactly. We, ah, obtained.

[holding a gun on Eliot] You said you didn't like guns.

Eliot

I don't. [quick-draws and shoots him three times] Never said I couldn't use 'em.

General, I understand you're taking quite a risk to yourself and your family by talking to us. We certainly owe you a debt.

No. I am the one with the debt. Spencer saved my life. Twice.

Eliot

Once. And a half.

Parker

How do you half-save someone's life?

Eliot

Because I was the one that was sent to kill him. So I figure that only counts as a half, right?

That actually makes sense.

Eliot

Dude, let go.

[Hugs Eliot] I'm just so damn cold.

Eliot

I don't care, man.

Just please set me on fire. Do something. I;m all shivering, and I think one of my nipples fell off, 'cause the sensations... man.

Eliot

Don't tell me stuff like that!

Okay, Parker listen; you can climb a mountain, right?

Parker

I climb skyscrapers. You can walk up a mountain.

Eliot

It's not the same. Are there avalanches on skyscrapers?

Parker

No, but that would be so cool.

Let's go steal a mountain.

Parker

Again.

What?

Parker

Again. We already stole a mountain, two years ago.

We did?

Eliot

Well, technically it was a resort, not a mountain, but yeah.

You were also very drunk on that one.

I'm just saying, I should go up that mountain with you.

Parker

You want to climb?

Yeah.

Parker

A mountain?

Seriously?

Parker

And that last one was a 10-foot drop!

Okay. Fine. I just think I should keep an eye on you.

Parker

Keep an eye on me?

Well, not... you... you and Eliot. It's a dangerous mountain. There could be some polar bears or ill-tempered Eskimos, like...

Parker

This isn't gonna become a thing, is it?

W-what? No. Pl... no. No. This is… not. Whatever "this" is.

Parker

Oh. Yeah.

Okay.

Parker

Okay. Okay. (Parker punches him on the shoulder and walks away)

Eliot

All right. (walks away) Let's roll.

What? What are you doing?

At least Eliot gave me a hug.