Parker quotes from Leverage

Sophie

Listen, Parker. I wanted to apologize about giving you the cold shoulder about Hardison earlier.

Parker

Oh, that’s okay. I think I figured it out.

Sophie

You did?

Parker

Yeah. I mean, I was worried at first, ‘cause Hardison and I are different, the stuff we like. But I just spent all night with Mattingly, a guy who likes all the same stuff I do. And you know what? It would have been more fun with Hardison. So I guess the same is boring.

Go ahead, say it. Go ahead.

Sophie

I-I’m just saying--

Saying what?

Sophie

--he loves her.

Oh, come on. Men like that treat people like possessions. You should know that.

Sophie

Oh, just because he’s rich doesn’t mean he’s heartless.

Of all people, you’re actually --

Sophie

He was wrecked. You don’t have a romantic bone in your body.

Oh, really?

Sophie

And you’re one to laugh. You don’t even bother to learn their names. They’re just waitress, nurse, stewardess.

Eliot

First of all, it’s flight attendant, all right? They don’t like being called stewardess. And, second, I know their names.

Sophie

What?

What?

Parker

Three-way fight?

Parker

Ooh, sparkly.

Parker, no burgling.

Parker

But these jewels are just asking to be taken.

Parker

Let's go steal a sweetheart.

Eliot

[shakes head]

Parker

A widow?

Eliot

Nah.

Parker

A spider? A spider.

Now, what I did was hack questions from the Kleinfeld-Ochs psych indicator into his applications.

Eliot

What?

Parker

It's a test designed to measure preferences in how people perceive the world. You know, I had a lot of psych exams as a kid. They're actually pretty easy. Well, sometimes I made my doctors cry, but...

Sophie

Off to the US Patent Office, then. Let's go steal a--

Parker

Let's go steal a time machine.

Eliot

No, you don't steal--

Parker

I'm gonna steal the time machine.

Sophie

Him? [Jimmy] You came to rescue him?

Parker

You said never again. I remember.

Although he does provide a window into your distant and withholding management style. I'm just sayin'.

All right, so Sophie says the FBI has 20 men on the north side, 15 on the south, 22 on the east, and 16 on the west.

Parker

She can see all that?

Well, you know, you steal paintings for a living, you learn how to count security.

Parker

It might be easier if he's asleep.

Eliot

You want me to put him to sleep?

HEY! I'm standing RIGHT HERE.

Parker

Look, we're going to lower you really slowly but if you bump into anything, the glass, the walls, anything you'll set off the alarms.

Yeah, I get it. It's like the game Operation and I'm the tweezers.

Wow, you are, like, super old. Maybe later you can tell us about that time you punched Hitler in the face! Parker, still yummy.

[shoves the end of his cane under Cha0s' chin] I own two canes. One has a taser capable of releasing ten thousand volts. The other extends a six-inch stiletto blade.

Which one is [gulps] is this?

I can't seem to remember. I am super old.

What is with this 'sir'? Are you picking her up for the prom? 'Cause Parker in a prom dre--AAAAAAH!

Archie

[who has just zapped Cha0s with his cane] Hmm, I guess it was the taser.

Parker

I love tasers.

Sophie

Why are you okay with this? You seem perfectly happy to be in this...town.

Parker

We're here.

Sophie

Yeah, I know. "We're here, get used to it."

Parker

No. We're here. Us.

Sophie

Oh. That's sweet.

Parker

Yeah. Me and my money, Hardison and Eliot, Nate and you.

Sophie

Yeah? Parker, why does the money always come before the people?

Parker

Did I fall asleep again?

Yeah.

Parker

How did the movie end?

Soylent Green is people!

Parker

WHOA!

I know. Just--just sit with that for a while.

Parker

I win. I want to go bungee jumping.

We already did that.

Parker

Not off a hot air balloon.

I seriously need to win one of these bets.

Okay. We need to fix this. We need to give our client back his reputation.

Parker

How do we do that?

By making Kanack insane.

[grinning] And he's back.