Hardison quotes from Leverage

Burn room?

It's usually a vault within a vault. The walls are lined with thermite. All he has to do is press a button and flame on. All his dirty secrets burn away.

Parker

Everything burns? I want one.

[after stealing an ID] And what? Say something now.

Eliot

[sarcastically] Yeah, one good lift in three years. Awesome!

On the other hand, sometimes old school really is the best kind of security, I mean...

[whispers to Trevor] No, it's not.

What?

I'm listening. [whispers to Trevor] He's old.

Parker

So the diamond is in the potato?

Par...There is no diamond. VerdAgra. Super tuber. Haven't you been listening?

Parker

Not really.

Parker

Are you kidding me? What, you think I wouldn't notice?!

Oh, hey! Hey, girl, this thing is hypersensitive.

Parker

I'm hyper-sensitive when people are building robots to replace me!

It's not a robot.

Parker

I'm not stupid, Hardison, okay? I know how smart you are and how capable you are of doing things. Parker 2000?

No. What, no, see, like, um, okay. Yeah, I used your name, right. But it's not--it's not what you think, at all. It's an ASCD, an Automated Safe Cracking Device.?

Parker

I'm a safe-cracking device. [Stomps out]

[walking into the frame and looking at Hardison] I told you not to call it Parker.

Parker

I'm not working with her.

Parker, it's not gender-specific. Plus, it can open a safe 6.5 times faster than you.

Parker

Ha! (moves to safe and turns the dial) There's no way I'm working with her.

I don't... Woman, please just connect it to the safe's wall.

Parker

This is a Glen Reeder model 88-11, last made in 2009. Did she know that?

Yes, Parker, because I programmed it.

Parker

I knew you were trying to replace me.

Woman, please just connect it to the safe's wall. Ain't nobody replacing you.

Eliot

Come on, Parker.

Parker, Connell's gonna catch you.

Parker

(continuing to try and open the safe) Shh!

Parker, please!

Parker

Are you talking to me or the new Parker?

Maybe I should talk to new Parker. Give her the comm. Give her the comm, Parker. At least she listens. Give her the comm. Girl, if you don't attach that thing to the safe wall --

Eliot

Just do it, Parker!

Parker

Fine. (takes electrodes from Parker 2000 and attaches them to the safe) There's no way she can crack this safe faster than me. (the safe opens) Whoa.

[Instructing Eliot with chemicals] Now mix and run like hell.

Eliot

[sets off a minor explosion with thick smoke] Dammit, Hardison! A little warning next time!

Well, what you think "run like hell" meant?

Hey, man, you really should have let us get you to a hospital.

Eliot

I hired a nurse.

Parker

Ah, that-a-boy. A little (punches Eliot’s arm) chicken noodle soup, a little (punches him again) grandmotherly love.

Eliot

(flinches back in pain) Stop.

Eliot

Hey. How are you? (to Hardison) This is nurse Gail.

I don't think she's registered.

How you two doing with your little mini-Parker?

Parker

I can't believe you brought her here, by the way.

Okay, you know what, Parker? Look. (puts Parker 2000 on table) You want to know why I made it green?

Parker

Mm-hmm.

Because your favorite color is green. You want to know why I named her after you? It's because she's based off of you. Parker, that's why I was always asking you, "What are you thinking? How are you feeling?" Everything she knows, she learned off of you. I didn't make her to replace you. I would never want to replace you. I--she's--she's for you.

Parker

I love it. (grabs it)

Really?

Parker

Yeah. I'm gonna call her "Hardy."

Okay. No. Um, it's "Parker 2000." It says so right there in the fine print.

Parker

It used to be.

Okay, no. That's, that's not gonna work. That's –

Parker

Hardy it is.

But it's Parker 2000. It's like --

Parker

Yeah, but you said it's mine, so I can name it whatever I want. She shall be called Hardy. (to Parker 2000) You like that name, don't you? (high voice) Yes. Yes.

Right, but when I invented it, I registered the name as Parker 2000.

Parker

She likes it. She likes it.

Hardy is good. I can make a Hardy.

These dust mites are just gonna eat me alive.

Eliot

(throws blueprints to Nate) That's the blueprints from town hall, and the last time I go into a basement with this guy.

Parker

Ew! Just stepped in something squishy. How come I had to go to the embalming room, anyway?

Eliot

It's 'cause Hardison's too scared to get in the body bag.

Hey, claustrophobia is a very serious condition. I got a note from my doctor. You want to see it?

Eliot

I'm fashionably late to an ex-con's funeral. I'm gonna check the room for a safe.

Eliot

It's not ex-cons, it's cops. It's a lots of cops. Hardison.

I-I-I guess they must have switched the schedule.

Eliot

You guess? I got caught up at the, uh, drug sting down in Dorchester, and I wasn't able to get home and change clothes.

Eliot

Hey. Thanks, man. Hardison, when I see you, I'm gonna hit you so hard, your ancestors hurt. (drinks from flask)

Parker

[Hardison is currently buried and struggling] Sophie, he's losing it. He needs you.

Sophie

Parker, listen to me, you have spent a disproportionate amount of your life in air ducts. You more than anyone know how control your breathing. He doesn't need me. He needs you.

Parker? Parker?

Parker

Hardison? Hardison. Okay, Hardison, I need you to calm down. Listen to me. Okay, take a deep breath in.(Hardison takes a deep breath) Okay, good. Now let it out.(Hardison lets the breath out as tears leak from his eyes) Okay, c-come on. Come on. You got to do this with me, okay? Okay, here we go. Let's do this together, okay? Deep breath in. (Parker takes a deep breath in, and Hardison copies)

Good. Okay, good.

Parker

There you go.

Parker, don't, don't get off the phone. Please, I-I don't want to be alone again.

Parker

I'm not getting off this phone until we get you out of there, okay?

Put me in a coffin. Here it comes to you. Got something for you. Boom. Evidence. Get it, get it, get it, get it.

Is that really necessary?

The man put me in a coffin, Nate. A damn coffin.

That's true.

I-I never would have made it through that without you. You know that, right, Parker?

Parker

Oh, that's not true. Anyone can learn to hold their breath.

Thanks for not hanging up the phone.

Parker

Yeah.