Hardison quotes from Leverage

Wait! Hold up. You told her?

Eliot

I should have known. You're a menace, Parker.

Parker

What? She deserved a chance.

Nate is going to kill you.

Eliot

I'm going to kill you.

Parker

Oh, stop whining!

Eliot

I got hit by a car!

Parker

[mocking] "I got hit by a car" ... Get over it!

Eliot

I'm gonna kill her, man. I'm gonna kill her.

Hey! Hey! Nobody's gonna kill anybody. Seriously though, Nate is going to kill you.

Wait, wait, wait, who are you people?

Parker

WE'RE THE GOOD GUYS!

Eliot

Damn it, Parker, where'd you learn to drive?

Parker

Before I stole cars I was a getaway driver.

Before? You started stealing cars when you were twelve.

Young Parker

[flashback] Get out of the way you old bat!

Parker

Get out of the way you old bat!

Sophie

They're gonna kill Hardison.

They're gonna kill who? No they ain't! I bet you they ain't! Nate, you gotta stall!

Wait a minute. Look, my only way out is the front door. Are they coming through the front door?

I don't know.

What you mean you don't know? You better say something, I swear on my momma I will blow a hole through your bedroom and Spider-man out the side of this building. You better tell somethin'!

Sophie

The Skagway Shuffle.

Yeah. That's what I was thinking.

See, now y'all are just making stuff up.

Sophie

It's like the Fiddle Game.

Yeah, only underground.

Parker

Is Eliot going to be the fiddle again?

No.

Sophie

No.

Parker

Can I be the fiddle?

No.

Sophie

No.

Eliot

That will give us enough time to find the bomb.

Oh yeah, plenty of time. Meanwhile, I will be here, in the van, as far away from the mine as possible. My dude, go with God.

Nicely done.

Parker

I had a little help from Sophie. But yeah. I nailed it. I'm a grifter. I grift.

Yeah. You do know you don't get to keep the money.

Parker

Don't ruin it.

Hey, hey. What is this? I thought we were supposed to be, uh, finding Moreau.

Sophie

This is more important.

More important? We don't find Moreau, I might go back to prison forever.

Sophie

Oh, shush. You did fine in prison the first time.

Eliot

You got in shape.

Parker

Yeah, you look good in a jumpsuit.

[Upset] Learned how to hypnotize people.

Sophie

When I started telling them about one of my finest jobs ever...

Eliot

But I know she's lying.

She's a grifter. It's her job.

Parker

Wait, I'm confused. Now, she's lying about lying?

Now, Sophie [Lifts up the first cup; empty] didn't have the dagger. Eliot [Lifts the second; empty] didn't have the dagger. Hardison [Lifts the third; empty] didn't have the dagger.

[Whispering to Eliot] I still beat you.

Parker

[Grinning] Yeaaah.

Parker

What?! I'm a thief!

Parker

Nate.

[Grinning] I think you're all forgetting to ask yourself one simple, crucial question.

Eliot

What?!

Well the question is who is the insurance company for the dagger of Aqu'abi?

Sophie

No...

Eliot

You've got to be kidding me.

Ah, man.

Good guess.

Sophie

It's not really a guess when it's that good, is it?

The name of this con is called "The Mummy's Tiara."

Come on, man, that can't be real.

Parker

Am I gonna have to steal a corpse again?

Eliot

I got your turpentine, got your, uh, walnut oil, by the way, which I purchased from a very stunning vegan chick, so thank you for that, a bucket of soot...it's everywhere.

Ah hah, thanks, E. Way to get your hands dirty.

Eliot

[picks up a rag and starts to clean his hands] Thank you.

Hey, put that down man, that's my paper.

Eliot

It's a rag.

No, that's what printers used to make paper back in the 1700's. Use a moist towelette, please and thank you.

Eliot

What's that smell?

...You don't wanna know how they wet the paper back in the day.

Eliot

[grabbing lots of moist towelettes] Did you--

Do not ask me, man.

Eliot

Dammit, Hardison!

Parker

Great. Let's get him.

There's a problem. Struck a deal with the Feds. He's protected.

What are you-- What-- What's the smile? What are you smiling at? What is that?

Sophie

Ah, oh no. No, no, no.

Oh, yeah. Let's go steal a federal witness.

Eliot

All right, Nate, the guy in the bed with the dead hooker con is up and running.

Hey, man, it's called the Vegas Wake-Up Call.

Eliot

No, it's not, all right? In the Vegas Wake-Up Call, the boyfriend shows up.

No, he doesn't!