Hardison quotes from Leverage

Nate... Hypnosis is something you do to a mark. Not your own crew.

No, no, no. It's exactly what you do to your own crew. Yeah, you push whatever button you need to, to get them to do what needs to be done. You wanted to know what other quality you needed to run your own crew. Well, that's it. And you don't have it.

FBI, sir. That young lady's in our custody.

Aw, see, you made two mistakes, bro. First, you flashed that fake-ass FBI badge at me. Second, [points at Eliot] you spilled his coffee.

Where's Eliot?

Oh, he had to change his shirt. He got coffee on it...and some blood, some teeth.

Eliot

You realize the last guy that pushed Hoffman ended up dead.

Yeah, well, let him take his best shot. We'll see who walks away this time.

[to Eliot] Prison's changed him.

Eliot

Better or worse?

I'm not sure.

Parker

So, I have to tell you something.

Okay. [pause] Did--did you want to talk now?

Parker

Yeah, okay. So, the thing is, I think that maybe I might be having feelings. Like weird, weird feelings... f-for...[pauses, looks around] pretzels.

Pretzels. Okay. Well, they're right here. When you want them.

Now, I rigged my laptop to record your com. Now this means that I can alter your pitch from anywhere to make you sound like Darth Eliot...

Eliot

[voice like Darth Vader] I don't speak on command, Hardison.

...to Spencer Smurf.

Eliot

[voice like Smurf] I don't speak on command, Hardison.

Eliot

Hardison.

Don't ever do the Smurf thing again?

Eliot

Riiiight.

Eliot

There's a price on my head in three different countries and I'm fairly certain a fatwa was issued!

You are so vain, man. Boom, there, fan site nuked, but when you get back, we gonna have us a serious conversation about the difference between caution and paranoia.

Eliot

When you've done the things I've done, there's no such thing as paranoia.

What's that smell?

Eliot

Fresh air.

I don't like it.

Eliot

Smell that?

Smell death? Yes I do.

We wouldn't even be in this mess if you didn't want to go fishing! I coulda taken you down to Mama Pearl's Fish Shack and got you a catfish, two pieces, and a biscuit for $5.99! But instead you got us out here with trigger-happy Joes trying to fish us! And he's all too happy to shoot himself a Negro!

Eliot

Oh so this is a black thing now? Is that it? There's hunting me too!

You're damn Skippy it's a black thing! Who did they try to shoot first, Eliot?! Who got punched first, Eliot?! Me! I'm about tired of the redneckedness!

Eliot

Damn it, Hardison!

Damn it, Eliot!

Now, there are railroad tracks a mile and a half west of the camp. Can you get there?

Sure, but what if there's no train?

Oh, there will be. We're gonna steal you one.

You're going to go toe to toe with these guys without a plan?

Oh we have a plan, it's called C.W.A.

Eliot

Can of Whoop Ass.

Eliot

You feeling confident?

No-o-ot really.

Eliot

Good, cause overconfidence can kill you faster than a bullet any day. Fear's good.

Oh, I have fear. And doubt. And really serious regrets. I should be fine.

Next time I steal you a train, get on it.

You're not gonna rain on my parade. I made a bomb out of a menthol light.

Exactly how is this gonna get us Lefty's attention?

Parker

Well, car thieves are territorial, all right. You bring a car like this to a local chop-shop, every boost in town knows there's a new player. Also, this is Lefty's car.

Parker

All right. Chop shops are a quick and dirty setup. There's probably gonna be one, maybe two guys in here cutting up their latest catch.

We're gonna need a bigger boat.