John Constantine quotes from Legends of Tomorrow

Zari

Hey, you got a minute? I just wanted to say, about the pub–

Constantine

Yeah, yeah yeah yeah. Listen, if you need to have some weepy heart-to-heart end-of-the-mission hugfest where you tell me that my problems are your problems and that happiness is just one friend away and all that bollocks, don't bother, yeah?

Zari

Hey. You don't know me. I wouldn't do that. That would be lame.

Constantine

So, any idea of what kind of foul beast we're up against, then?

Ava

Well, based on [knowing look to Sara] research Sara and I have been doing, we could be looking for a swampy monster thing.

Sara

According to the timeline, before the end of summer, several kids went missing, never to be seen again.

Constantine

Well, I happen to know a swamp thing. But then again, Maine is way too far north for that muppet.

Ray

You know, there are other dabblers in the Dark Arts out there who think that I'm all right.

Constantine

What, referring to Nora Darhk, are we? You best stay away from that witch, mate. Not even your big heart can keep you safe from someone who's wrestled with literal demons.

Ray

What about you? You're one of us now. You even dressed up, for a little while. You've wrestled with demons and you're good–

Constantine

Listen to me, all right? You know... I had a friend like you. Someone good, someone... who trusted me. Be smarter than him, all right? Save yourself, Ray Palmer. Because people like me and Nora Darhk, we're bloody hell for people like you.

So explain to me how this... "magic-ometer" of yours works.

Ray

Oh. Well,--

Mick

It goes "beep" and we kick ass.

Zari

Meaning we investigate each time period.

Constantine

We find the creature.

Sara

We bring it to the Bureau.

Ray

And hopefully learn some life lessons along the way.

Constantine

And the worst part? It didn't even make a bloody difference. I was a fool thinking I could outrun this fight flying around with you lot.

Sara

Yeah. We tend to fly directly into fights. But, we do it together. And we have your back.

Constantine

Well, as long as you know what you're getting yourself into. Because a demon like Neron, he doesn't just wanna win. He wants to win to the cruelest possible way.

Constantine

[watching Konane wrestle as a luchador] Damn, he's good.

He's too good. In lucha libre, every match tells a story. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose so you can rise again. But there are rules, there is a plan. With this guy, there's no rules, there's no plan. He just wins every time.

Constantine

Oh, so that's why you're here (at the bar), eh? Drowning your sorrows rather than be up there where you belong. Listen, mate, I've had my fair share of defeats these past days, but lying on your ass is no way to get your mojo back.

Ray

After your recent unfortunate misadventures in time travel, I created a team-building card game to help you learn the "Dos and Don'ts" of our prior missions. I'm calling it "Cards to Save the Timeline"! Fun way to learn from your mistakes, right?

Charlie

Oh, you gotta be joking. "Vandal Savage." That's a real name?

Constantine

And here's me thinking that Damien Darhk's moniker was a touch on-the-nose.

Constantine

Not to bother you, but we've lost the ship, drugged the President, and I'm stuck in the back with her (Mona). Now what are we gonna do?

Sara

We are going to Disney World!

Mick

Noooo. Haven't we been tortured enough?

Mick

It's a roach.

I've been bugged.

Constantine

This is an agent of Maat, the goddess of truth in the Egyptian pantheon. You see, the creature, it feeds off lies. And whoever eats that has nothing but truth left to tell.

Sara

No wonder it found its way to Nixon. You must have been a feast.

Sara

Look, I just, I don't know how to convince everybody that everything's okay when I'm not okay.

Constantine

Well, you know, if we were in each other's shoes right now, then you'd be giving me some rubbish speech about how "you don't have to shoulder the burden myself when I have friends around me to help me carry it". Not that I believe you for a second, but... that doesn't mean it's not true.

Sara

Thanks. Even if you're just lying to make me feel better.

Constantine

Oh, I definitely am. Hope it worked, though.

Constantine

I hope you're not stress-eating, squire.

Ray

I don't know what else to do. I can't believe this is happening.

Constantine

You feel the energy in this room. It's like sitting on a keg of dynamite. You see, wakes are notorious soft spots where the supernatural meets the living world. You see Nate's aunt? That particular prayer is to ward off evil spirits. And hey... covered the mirrors, so the bad lads can't get in.

Ray

Well, that's creepy.

Constantine

Yeah, well, "creepy" is my business. [a lamp flickers] And it looks like business is good.

You saved me, Johnny. I'm grateful for that. But it doesn't change anything.

Constantine

I know. But I can make it all go away, Des. [holds up a memory eraser] This will make you forget.

No. You sent me to Hell. That's something we're both gonna have to live with. [walks away to the elevator]

Constantine

[sarcastically] Oh my! What a big, scary knife you've got! [seriously] I'd sooner be filleted than do your bidding.

Neron

[In Ray's body] This knife is not for you, it's for Raymond. The human body is fascinating, delicate, fragile. Did you know that if I cut this artery right here, [points at his wrist with the knife] it will take only a matter of minutes before Ray's body goes into shock, and eventually expires?

You're dead, demon hunter

Constantine

I was gonna be a demon proctologist, but the pay wasn't as good.

Astra Logue

It seems you're having a hard time staying away from Hell these days, John.

Constantine

Well, what can I say? I'm a creature of habit.

Astra

You might as well get used to it. You'll be living down here soon enough. What do you want?

Constantine

A whiskey, neat, and a steak, well done. Oh, yeah, and all those souls you released. Call 'em back.