John Munch quotes from Law &amp; Order: Special Victims Unit

[about Beck] What time did she get here?

She never left.

Munch

Some people should not be allowed to drink coffee.

View quote →

Brent Allen Banks is free.

Beck

Free on bail?

Free to go and kill again free.

Munch

Don't tell me this had anything to do with my uncle's meltdown in court yesterday.

No, though that was special. We just finished the suppression hearing. The bite mark evidence was thrown out.

Beck

Well, get it back in.

Judge already ruled on it.

And because that evidence was our case, he threw out the indictment.

Beck

How could you let that happen?

[sarcastically] I guess I suck.

View quote →

TThomas

Mr. Peters? Here? This late? You gotta be kidding. Partners are all outta here by happy hour.

Munch

Well, you got any idea where he might be?

TThomas

He doesn't share his social calender with first year associates.

Come on, man. Help a brotha out. My Captain's gonna put me on permanent midnights if I don't find him.

TThomas

And if I don't get this distribution exactly right, my ass will be on the street. Sorry, "brotha".

Munch

Guess the only color he cares about is green.

View quote →

[Stabler approaches a van being hoisted out of the river.]

John. What've we got?

Munch

Van tried to take a shortcut to Brooklyn. The river got in the way.

View quote →

Van was registered to Frank Hovis of Albany. Unmarried, no kids, couple pops for assault.

[Captain Cragen looks at a photograph of the women's shoe recovered at the scene.]

Anything on Cinderella?

Nah. Maybe Frank's a tranny.

[Munch arrives with a tollbooth photo of the van's occupants, a balding male driver and a woman in the passenger seat.]

Munch

Cinderella's definitely a woman. Frank needs to join the Hair Club for Men.

View quote →

HMrs. Hovis

I haven't seen Frank in years.

Munch

We think he may have been in an accident, Mrs. Hovis.

HMrs. Hovis

Well, excuse me if I don't bust out weeping. The only time I hear about that deadbeat is when you cops come looking for him.

Munch

Mind if we check around?

HMrs. Hovis

Yes I do. I'm a respectable woman, I live alone, and I don't want the neighbors talking.

[Fin comes around the corner of the house, holding a pair of men's pants.]

They already are. Found these on your clothesline. Where'd they come from?

HMrs. Hovis

How should I know? Must've fallen out of a plane on the way into Kennedy.

Munch

I think I hear someone inside.

Don't worry, ma'am. We'll protect you.

[Munch and Fin push their way past Mrs. Hovis into the house.]

HMrs. Hovis

Hey!

[Fin pushes open the broom closet door and finds Frank in his underwear, crouching inside.]

Frank, that's pathetic.

HMrs. Hovis

[acting astonished.] How'd he get in there?

View quote →

Well, for once, Catholic guilt's a good thing.

Munch

I thought we Jews had a corner on that market.

View quote →

One divorce was enough for me. I don't know how you did it four times.

Munch

You gotta play to win.

View quote →

Munch

You could start a bonfire with all the alcohol this one drank. What's your poison, honey?

RReagan

Shut up, you dirty old man.

Munch

Who you calling old?

MMatt

You can't keep us in here!

I'm sure your daddy will bail your ass out.

Munch

I called him two hours ago. Looks like daddy thinks he could use a night in jail.

You finish processing the princess, and I'll take them all down to central booking.

LLuke

You can't do this! I want my parents!

Munch

Yeah, and I want the troops home, the Kyoto protocol signed, and a Tijuana oil job from Miss February.

View quote →

What's going on?

I've been temporarily reassigned. Chief of D's office.

Why?

You aided your fugitive brother, Elliot covered up his kid's DUI, Fin's stepson butchered two people and walked. Somebody's gotta take the heat.

But we're the ones who screwed up.

On my command. 1PP calls that "failure to supervise".

That's insane!

You want insane? Guess who they put in charge.

Munch

I had nothin' to do with that! If drafted, I will not run, if elected, I will not serve.

You are lyin' like a politician. You took the Sergeant's' exam right behind our back. What's up with that?

Munch

I took it last year on a bar bet.

[hands Munch his key] Enjoy your new office, Sergeant Munch. Don't let the power get to your head.

Lake

It was an honor serving under you, sir.

I'm not dead yet, Detective Lake.

We'll get you back, Captain.

Try and behave yourselves.

View quote →

Munch

I knew there was something hinky about her. It was so obvious.

Did superpowers come with that promotion?

View quote →

KKatie

I'm Katie.

Munch

Sergeant Munch.

KKatie

Munch. That's funny. Can I have a hug, Munch?

Munch

No, you may not. I'm a stranger. You shouldn't even be talking to me.

KKatie

Okay. Bye.

[she walks up to Fin's desk]

Somethin' I could do for you?

KKatie

Are you mad at me?

Didn't Sergeant Munch just tell you not to talk to strangers?

[Katie nods; Fin winks at her and signals her to leave him]

View quote →

What would I be up against using Katie as a witness?

Munch

Anxiety, ADD, and they have trouble taking criticism.

That sounds like you, Munch.

View quote →

Munch

Ah, the smell of stale beer and quiet desperation. Did I ever tell you about the bar I owned in Baltimore?

'Bout a kazillion times.

Munch

I'd like to open one up here, but the real estate's a bit pricier.

View quote →

Munch

I'm gonna need investors. You interested?

What you smokin'?

Munch

Come on. Then we'd get to still be partners after you left the squad. That is, if you're really leaving.

Watch me.

Munch

You know, if one more person dumps me, I'm gonna start taking it personally. Aside from my wives, there was Jeffries, Cassidy, Meldrick, Stan "The Big Man" Bolander. Stan the Man was my mentor in Baltimore, just like I am yours. Circle of life, my friend. Circle of life.