Elliot Stabler quotes from Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

"Knew her." Does anybody ever really know anybody?

Stabler

Don't get philosophical with us. You're just a teleprompter jockey; we're just cops.

Benson

[reads] "There's a tiny catfish feared more than the piranha. It's called a-"

Candiru.

Stabler

Say what?

This is beautiful. Tell him.

Benson

"It will swim right into a man's penis and lodge itself there by erecting sharp spines-" Ow.

Stabler

[adjusts his seat] "Erecting sharp spines." There's a fish with a sense of irony.

Benson

She was molested, you know that. That cold facade of hers?

Stabler

Maybe it's just living in Colorado.

Benson

She dresses more Fifth Avenue than Rocky Mountain.

Stabler

I'm...having a fashion police blackout.

Stabler

Hey! Lennie Briscoe, what the hell you doin' here?

We heard there was good dim sum down here. Say hi to my partner, Eddie Green.

You are looking at the fruits of 4 hours of dumpster diving along 59th Street. 9 dumpsters in all.

Stabler

You trying to tell me the 2 of you went dumpster diving?

Hell, no. We supervised a couple of uniforms. I don't do disposable diapers.

Stabler

I'd never let my daughters go out dressed like that.

Benson

Yeah, right. Just wait.

Stabler

What does that mean?

Stabler

What do you think we're looking for, a rock, a brick, maybe?

Who's going to look for that?

Me?

Benson

Yes.

I can't do this.

Stabler

What, you have a fight with your right hand?

Stabler

I never lived in a dorm. That's what I wanted to do. I even knew where.

Benson

Where?

Stabler

Are you ready for this? Everglades University.

Benson

Everglades?

Stabler

Yeah. Playboy magazine rated universities by their sexual temperature. E.U., always at the top of the list.

Benson

Beautiful. I can see you had your priorities in order.

Stabler

Thank you.

Not all sex offenders are repeat offenders.

Stabler

You show me a first time offender, I'll show you a guy who's never been caught before.

Cassidy

I've been on this beat for eight months.

Stabler

Right.

Cassidy

And at first I was fine with it, but sometimes, I just, um, I just can't...

Stabler

Instead of seeing a woman, you see a uterus, cervix...

Cassidy

Yeah.

Stabler

It's a clinical phase. It lasts a while.

Cassidy

So what's the next phase?

Stabler

You don't want to know.

Munch

Guys, check this out. Teddy Kennedy lands in the water at Chappaquiddick on July 18th. Neil Armstrong lands on the moon July 20th. Think about that.

Jeffries

And?

Munch

You don't find that amazing?

Jeffries

Nope.

Stabler

You're learning, Jeffries.

Benson

I sure as hell wouldn't drive to Queens to save your ass.

Stabler

Yeah you would.

Benson

Well, that's only because you have a wife and kids.

He's seeing a new lady friend. A policewoman. I told him to drop her. No offense, but it's my understanding you people don't make any real money, and for that you get to deal with filth.

Stabler

[smiling] All shapes and sizes.

Cassidy

I don't get S&M. I mean, "Hurt me, that turns me on?" Come on, what's up with that?

Munch

It starts with the tattoos. Once you get the ink, it's just a matter of time before you're begging to be tied up and spanked.

Cassidy

Yeah, tattoos are just the gateway to the sexual dark side, my friend.

Stabler

You guys have finally figured me out, huh?

Jeffries

Seriously. Did you get off on the tiny little pinpricks of pain?

Stabler

No, I get that from working with you.