Robert Goren quotes from Law & Order: Criminal Intent

Goren

Hey. This is nice. (Walks in.)

Eames

He can't help himself. Can I come in?

Goren

Did you know there's an original Salvador Dali hanging at Rikers Island? He donated it in the 60s.

That's fascinating.

Eames

You're going to get to see it firsthand.

You don't know. You don't know what it's like.

Goren

What, to work so hard?

Yes.

Goren

And still be a nobody.

Yes.

Goren

Welcome to the human race.

Eames

What is that?

Goren

Fish scale.

Eames

Great, she was attacked by a shark.

Goren

[Seriously] Sharks don't have scales.

Goren

His "arrangement with his wife" is that he gets to be a bad boy once a month, but then he has to tell her what he did.

Oh those wacky Belgians.

Eames

She also tasted positive for lithium.

Goren

Might have been for depression.

What's so depressing about being a crack whore?

Goren

You ever think what it's like living down there?

Eames

With what one bedrooms are going for, I've considered it.

Goren

You're under arrest for the murder of Lois Romney.

What, you're serious?

Eames

You don't see us wearing clown shoes, do you?

Eames

You were good talking with Howard.

Goren

Mmm. Lots of practice.

Eames

After 18 years in foster care, Kevin turns up an uncle.

Goren

Touching, isn't it?

What about you? Any dazzling insights you'd like to share?

Goren

Uh...no.

Eames

You thinking of converting? Because I think Father Capanna would love to baptize you.

Goren

Too late, you're speaking to a lapsed alter boy.

Eames

I should've known. Disregard for authority, fascination with bad behavior....

Goren

You know, I have a theory about why certain men are attracted to petite women. You wanna hear it?

Not particularly.

Goren

Petite women are a snug fit for small men.

That's so ridiculous.

Goren

No. I think I'm onto something here. Small men can feel like they have a titan missile in their pocket. You're a small guy. What size shoe do you wear?

Goren

I wear a 13. you look like a 9 or ... you know, like an 8?

I'm an ... oh, God, I don't even want to talk to you about this. Don't drag me into this.

Goren

You got small hands, too! That's the giveaway, isn't it? It's always the little things. [laughs] Oops!

Eames

[Going through victim's rolodex] Here's George W.'s address in Texas.

Goren

[Going through victim's papers] Really? I have a letter from Donald Trump thanking Dupont for his "timely advice." And he misspells the word "investment."

Eames

You'd think Trump's secretary would use spell-check.

Goren

Why would an heir to the Dupont fortune need phony character references?

Eames

Low self-esteem?