Megan Wheeler quotes from Law & Order: Criminal Intent

Megan

[about Stern] I started crying, and he got this... this... little smile. He saw me crying and he smiled.

Wheeler

Death by lubricant. Think there's a message in that?

Wheeler

If my daughter ever tells me she wants to be a poet, I'm going to tell her to join the Mafia instead. Nicer people.

Logan

Listen, we gotta split the driving, 'cause cabbies make me homicidal.

Wheeler

Good.

Logan

Don't feel we got to make conversation just because we're partners, either.

Wheeler

Ditto.

Wheeler

So you're kind of over the whole excitement over a new partner thing?

Logan

[Deadpan] This is me. Excited.

Logan

As long as you're here, maybe you can help us out. We're looking for some of your dad's ... we're looking for, ah... Wheeler?

Wheeler

Do you know where you dad kept his homemade porn tapes?

Capt. Ross

So your partner drew the short stick.

Wheeler

He's scanned over ten hours of that stuff. Something tells me it loses its charm after the s--

Capt. Ross

Wheeler, it never loses its charm.

Logan

O Canada, where the age of consent is 14.

Wheeler

And you know this because...?

Logan

I'm kind of a Canada buff.

Logan

Hand me my pants, will you?

Wheeler

Logan, I'm really sorry that--

Logan

Wheeler, two things that I don't need right now. Another fight, or an apology.

Wheeler

If he was seeing someone, the nearest donut theory says she lived near the firehouse.

Logan

The what?

Wheeler

Men are lazy. Even if there's a good meal across town, they'll usually just reach for the nearest donut.

Wheeler

[Reads off the computer] Murdered '94, case cleared two years ago.

Logan

They get a verdict?

Wheeler

No, it's an exceptional clearance. Convict pled out, died last year.

Wheeler

What?

Logan

Looks like they took stuff off the wall just to smash it. 'Give me all your money or I'll bust up your Grammy.'

Wheeler

You'd think they'd take the $4000 microphone.

Wheeler

I dated a recording engineer.

Logan

At least he wasn't a drummer.

Wheeler

You're a glass half empty kind of guy, aren't you?

Logan

Depends what's in it, Wheeler.

Wheeler

He didn't make an explicit threat we can hold him on.

Logan

You heard him, Wheeler. 'Curtis's death shall be avenged.' You don't call that a threat?

Capt. Ross

Could be, or could be the plot of one of the Mortal Kombat video games he got his name from.

Wheeler

You think all white guys who chew tobacco are buddies?

Logan

In Chelsea? Yeah.