Shirley Feeney quotes from Laverne & Shirley

Shirley

The mad hatter did not wear fishnet stockings!

Laverne

Well, that's why he didn't get any action!

Shirley

[After learning that she might be having her appendix removed] I promised myself I'd remain intact until my wedding night, if you know what I mean...

Laverne

Shirl, guys don't care if you lose your appendix!

Laverne

Shirl? Shirl are you awake?

Shirley

[Hallucinated after the operation] Am I in heaven?

Laverne

No no! You're in the hospital. It's all over, you made it.

Shirley

Really?!! I'm okay?!! I can't believe it I...[Feels her head and starts freaking out] I'M NOT OKAY! I'M BALD!

Laverne

[Explaining why the Braves' losing streak led to them being laid off] Let me explain it to you again. If the Braves don't play so good, then people don't go to games. If people don't go to games, then Shotz can't sell them beer. Do you got that?

Shirley

Then why don't they just lay off the Braves?

Laverne

We'll have fun down at unemployment. We'll meet guys.

Shirley

Unemployed guys.

Laverne

I happened to meet a doctor there once.

Shirley

I want you to think about that for a minute, Laverne. Why would a doctor be unemployed, hmmm?

Laverne

He was so good... he cured everybody.

Shirley

There is nothing more despicable to me than this place.

Hello!

Lenny

People are going to finally start brushing their teeth once a week like they ought to!

Shirley

This may come as a shock to you, but I brush my teeth after every meal.

Lenny

That's poor oral hygiene, Shirl. You're gonna wear them right down to the nub.

Shirley

Those boys have got the right idea. We should try making money at what we really love to do.

Laverne

I think we'd get arrested for that, Shirl.

Shirley

Do you know what? Girls love plants.

What do you do, you wait for them to lie down, and then kind of rub it all over their bodies?

Laverne

I'll be the foreigner. Herbie Shoole once said I looked French.

Shirley

Herbie Shoole said you kissed French.

Laverne

Boy! Did everything go good tonight! I can't wait to see him tomorrow night!

Shirley

You actually followed him home?

Laverne

Oh, well, he didn't go home. He went to his place of business.

Shirley

He's a business man? He has his own business?

Laverne

Yeah!

Shirley

What does he do?

Laverne

He's a mortician.

Shirley

Ewwwwww!

Laverne

Well somebody's gotta do it!

Shirley

Yes, but WE don't have to know them!

Laverne

Yeah we do! Yeah we do!

Laverne

Do you remember Alan Steckler??

Shirley

Please don't do this.

Laverne

Alan Steckler, a guy who chewed his socks? Do you know what it's like kissing a guy who chews his socks? It's like making out with a hamper.

Shirley

I'm telling you Laverne, this whole thing is sick and morbid.

[Crying] Hello!

Shirley

Not now guys! I don't have the time.

Lenny

[Crying] She doesn't have the time!

Shirley

Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.

Laverne

Another poem.

Laverne

What'd you have to do to him? [Carmine]

Shirley

Nothin'. Some guys are just natural gentlemen.