Scenes with Wade 16
[Wade is in his room at home, inspecting himself in the mirror.]
Wade[to himself] Alright, you baby-man. It's time to get ripped! [dons a training headband and gloves] You are strong enough! [lies underneath a dumbbell and tries to lift it, but it collapses on him] No, I'm not! I'm weak! Oh, I'm gonna die today! Oh, help me. Help! Help!
[Just then, Knuckles shows up and effortlessly lifts the dumbbell off of Wade.]
Wade Whipple, this is no time for lying down. [throws the dumbbell away] I come to you with an urgent need.
Wade
[sits up and turns around] How did you get in here?
A true warrior can conquer any stronghold. Not even the strongest barrier can contain his might.
Wade
Came in through the open window, huh?
[A beat.]
Yes. Yes, I did. You seek to compete in the upcoming Tournament of Champions in Reno, Nevada. I will take you there. This tournament is my destiny.
Wade
Yeah. It was mine, too. Until I lost my spot on the team.
How? You were bested by a sworn enemy in trial by combat?
Wade
I was brutally trash-talked by an eight-year-old girl named Susie. So, yes. Yeah. The same-- the same thing.
And you do not wish to reclaim your honor?
Wade
No, I--I do. I wish to reclaim my honor bad. It's just... Jack Sinclair was right. I'm... not strong, I'm not tough. I'm not a warrior.
But I am. I can train you in ways of the echidna. Teach you every form of lethal combat. Show you the secrets to all my strength.
Wade
Then I could use that to challenge Susie in a trial by bowling combat and earn my spot back on the team.
Yes. If you take me on this quest to Reno, I will make you a true warrior! As the great echidna Chief Pachacamac did for me.
Wade
Pachacamac. I think my sister went to sleepaway camp there.
Our destiny awaits, Wade Whipple. Do we have an alliance?
Wade
Wait a minute. [stands up] Didn't I hear you were grounded? There's no way you're allowed to leave home, right?
One cannot ground an Echidna warrior... [bends the dumbbell] For an Echidna warrior has no home.
Wade
All right, that checks out! Let's do this! Destiny awaits! [laughs]
[on the highway, Wade drives his police cruiser with Knuckles in shotgun, passing a mileage sign for Reno, which is 950 miles away]
Wade
All right! The warrior training road trip is officially official. Knucks. Can I call you "Knucks"?
Wade
How about "Knucky"?
Wade
"Knuckington Bear"?
Wade
"Sir Knucks-a-lot"?
Wade
Knuck, knuck. [a beat] Knuck, knuck. You gotta say, "Who's there?".
Wade
"Knuckolas Cage". [laughs]
Wade
So, tell me a little about yourself. You know, I-I know that you're an alien and that you're super powerful and that you've recently saved the world, et cetera, et cetera. But let's dig a little deeper, you know? You have any hobbies?
Wade
Honor is really more of a principle than a hobby.
Wade
Hmm... Maybe I should restate the question. What do you like to do for fun?
Wade
Gettin' a little dark. I was thinking more like reading, o-or yoga o-or music.
Yes. The hedgehog spoke of this Earth music. Tell me, what is it?
Wade
Oh, I-- [laughs] I can't just tell you what it is. I have to... I have to– I'll put on one of my classic Wade mixes. [plays "Can I Kick It?" by A Tribe Called Quest] Everyone at the station loves these. I send out a link every Monday. [starts singing along] ♪ Yes, you can! Can I kick it? Yes, you can! Can I kick it? Yes, you can! Can I kick it? Yes, you can! Can I kick it? Yes, you can! Can I kick it? ♪
[takes the lyrics quite literally and kicks the radio with his foot] Ha! Kicked!
Wade
Not a music guy. Noted.
[Knuckles comes to, trapped inside his box. The room he is inside is shrouded in darkness, only faintly illuminated by his box's walls. He can barely notice the faint silhouette of elk antlers.]
Where have you taken me? A dungeon? A torture chamber? A pit so deep that no one will ever hear my screams? [Mason presses a remote, revealing Knuckles is actually inside a fancy, cozy foyer.] Oh. That's quite nice, actually.
Damn right. Always pictured myself living in a place like this one day. Now I don't know how to ski, but with a house like this, you bet I could learn.
Wade
[in his police cruiser outside the resort, to himself] All you have to do is sneak into the bad guys' lair, try not to get yourself killed by their superpowered weapons, and then save your cool new best friend. What could possibly go wrong? [takes a glance at Mason's stolen gauntlets] Come on, Wade. What would Knuckles do? [cut to Knuckles sitting inside the box, lost in thought] He'd come up with an awesome rescue plan.
Ah... I am visualizing my inevitable escape and your brutal destruction at my hands. [laughs maniacally] Yes! Your arms have just snapped off with the most satisfying crunch.
Well, it's a good thing you're trapped inside that case then, buddy.
[enters the foyer] Stop talking to him!
Fine with me. I'm gonna go relax. Job's done, and we about to get paid! [claps and leaves]
[Wade pulls up to the front door of the resort in his police cruiser and exits the car.]
Wade
All right. Geared up. Here we go. [places down his gear: the oil can, the wire, the hairspray, the floss, and the lighter, before donning Mason's gauntlets] Hang tight, Knucks. I'm comin' to get ya. All I need is the perfect rescue soundtrack. [gets his Spotify rescue playlist cued up on his phone] Let's do this, Spotify! Time to rock out! [attempts to hit the play button multiple times, but the gauntlets are too thick to register on his phone] That's not gonna... [tries again to hit play with his nose, but when he finally does, his playlist only plays the extremely ill-fitting "I Don't Want to Wait" by Paula Cole] Oh, no, not that song! Oh, forget it. Warrior mode activated. [slams his gauntlets together, accidentally releasing a burst of Chaos energy. It is so strong that it knocks him back, spills the contents of the oil can right on the fireworks inside the cruiser, knocks his sunglasses off his head as they crack to the ground, and causes the hairspray to blast the fire from the lighter right on his cruiser, igniting the fireworks as they go off.] The fireworks were supposed to be the grand finale!
[Willoughby and Mason are playing chess against each other when they hear the fireworks erupting outside.]
Sounds like someone just set off...
[The two agents leave the foyer, leaving Knuckles all alone and confused on what is going on. Willoughby and Mason head out onto the balcony and see Wade's fireworks still exploding.]
Is that the round little man again?
[The remaining fireworks finish exploding with Wade's cruiser relatively intact.]
Wade
Oh. At least she's still drivable.
[But Wade has spoken too soon because the cruiser erupts in flames.]
Wade
[looks up] That's right! I'm here for the echidna! [hears beeping from the left gauntlet gauntlets] What's that beeping? That can't be good. Wonder what that-- [presses a button and accidentally activates the right gauntlet's rocket boosters before being sent flying] Oh, no! [jerks to his right] Yah! Ay-ay-ay! [flies upwards] Oh, no! [floats downwards] Oh, my God! [jerks to his left] Wee-hee-hee-hee! [tries to regain control as the agents stare dumbfounded] I will be right with you guys! [accidentally flies straight in their direction] Oh, God! [crashes through the windows and hits the ground]
You guard the echidna. I'm gonna go and handle this. [leaves to fight Wade]
[Willoughby follows suit.]
[to Knuckles, armed with her blaster rifle] Who are you working with?
He is my protege and my apprentice. A force so strong of body, mind, and heart that your last words will be a plea for a merciful death, from the warrior known only as... Wade.
[Wade enters the room exhausted by his fight with Mason.]
Wade
Sorry. Sorry. Say, quite a tussle back there. You should see the other guy. [looks at a knocked-out Mason] Oh. Here he is.
Seriously? This is your great warrior? Thought he'd be dead by now.
[unamused] It's his first day.
Wade
I know I may not look like much of a warrior, but... no offense, you guys don't, either. I mean, he looks like a sexy menswear model, and you look like some kind of psychotic Uma Thurman lookalike.
Thank you. Now, before you die, tell me one thing. What does a moron like you want with the echidna?
Wade
We're gonna win a bowling tournament. [launches his left gauntlet on Knuckles' cage]
[in slow motion] Oh, no! [The gauntlet causes a huge explosion that destroys Knuckles' cage and almost half of the resort. Cut to a now free Knuckles as Wade hugs him awkwardly.] What. Are. You. Doing?
Wade
I'm hugging you, as is your celebratory tradition, is it not? [lets Knuckles go and they see the two agents knocked out] Come on, we gotta get outta here before they wake up.
[Wade and Knuckles look at the hole created by the explosion, which leads to a cliff.]
Whatever happens... hold on.
Wade
What?! What do you mean? [gets pushed off the cliff by Knuckles, who also jumps. Before they could crash, Knuckles raises his fists and begins gliding.] WE'RE ALIVE! KNUCKLES! [laughs joyfully] WE'RE ALIVE! OOOOOHH!!!! [They pass by the full Moon, E.T. style.] Knuckles! You didn't tell me you could fly!
Wade
Huh?
For very short distances.
[Knuckles lands next to a dumpster in a parking lot, while Wade lands right inside it. Wade struggles himself to get out of the dumpster.]
Wade
[gags and coughs] It stinks! [falls on the ground, groans] Knuckles...
Get up! Now is no time to rest, Wade Whipple. We must flee!
[They both notice a black pickup truck being parked.]
Wade
Sweet truck.
[Knuckles and Wade get in the truck and close the doors behind them.]
Wade
How? I can't just drive us. There's no keys. [Knuckles haywires the vehicle with his fist, which causes it to start.] Okay, I can just drive us.
[Wade floors on the gas pedal, and they drive off.]
[Wade and Knuckles are sitting at a table at a Burger Shack after eating dinner.]
Wade Whipple, you wish to be a warrior. Yet you hail from Green Hills, a place where there are no warring clans. So, why do you remain there?
Wade
I guess... Green Hills has always just been home. I mean, there must be some place in the universe that's like that for you, right?
Since the loss of my tribe, I have journeyed across every corner of the galaxy. Seen planets and stars you could only dream of. But nowhere I have called home.
Wade
That must be tough for you.
Yes. I made a promise to my fellow warriors to find the Master Emerald and protect it. That shall be my goal until the moment I join my people in the Great Battleground in the Sky. One thing I have learned in pledging my life to this quest is that I have been betrayed again, and again. And again. And again.
Wade
Wow. I'm sorry that happened to you.
[feels bad] You know how that feels, don't you? To be betrayed?
Wade
Yeah. Yeah, I know how that feels.
By your father, who abandoned you like common gutter trash!
Wade
No, I got what you were saying. Thank you very much, though. [makes a promise] Warrior or not, I'm strong enough to know that I would never betray a friend.
You are stronger than you think, Wade Whipple.
Wade
I don't know about that.
On a scale of one to warrior, you are a three.
Wade
Really? I'm gonna put that on my dating profile. "Wade Whipple. Solid three". Now, come on. Let's hit the road, huh?
[On the road, Knuckles and Wade listen to "Rock You Like a Hurricane" by the Scorpions in the truck on the radio, aggressively headbanging and laughing. Wade drums the steering wheel.]
Wade
Ha-ha!
[Wade turns the volume up, until the music is interrupted.]
RARadio Announcer
The Rock Zone Special Report.
HRHost Reader
Alright, this just in, guys. Authorities have a manhunt out for a guy named Wade Whipple. You remember this guy? He was the sheriff's deputy who won the Hot Pocket-eating contest at last year's Spring Fest. That guy. There is a bounty out for the guy now. I mean, he is royally screwed.
RARadio Announcer
Screwed.
HRHost Reader
I would not want to be that guy today. Alright, let's get back to the music.
[This announcement leaves Wade and Knuckles shocked and devastated.]
Wade
Oh, my God. I'm a fugitive! There's a bounty on my head! And I'm Munsoned out here in the middle of nowhere? What are we gonna do? [Knuckles destroys the radio with his fist.] You just love smashing radios, don't ya?
[On the highway during sunrise, the truck passes through a mileage sign for Reno, which is 700 miles away. Wade has fallen asleep while driving.]
Wade
[suddenly awakens] Oh! Yes?
First light has broken. We need safe harbor. Somewhere we can stay hidden and secure.
Wade
[gets an idea] I know a place we could lay low, but it's gonna mean going somewhere I haven't been in a really long time.
[Wade and Knuckles are at the front door of Wade's childhood home, as Wade rings the doorbell.]
Wade
Stay hidden, until I give you the signal.
Wade
'Cause I think you're gonna freak people out.
[Knuckles hides as the door opens and Wade is greeted by his mother, Wendy, who is surprised by his arrival.]
Wade
Hi, Mom. I'm home.
WWendy
Wade, my little hamantaschen! [greets Wade with a kiss] How long has it been? Well, I can tell you exactly how long it's been. Two years, three months, and 13 days. Not that I'm marking my calendar.
[Both Wade and his mother laugh.]
Wade
Clearly. Uh, listen, Mom, it's good to be home. I-I do have something to...
[Wade's sister, Wanda, arrives in the front door.]
WWanda
[takes off her sunglasses] 'Sup, Wade?
Wade
[shows a little jealousy] 'Sup, Wanda?
WWanda
I gotta tell you. If you're... back here because you lost your squad car again, you wanna borrow Mom's Volvo, don't bother. Volvo is too much car for you anyways.
WWanda
Maybe you should just stick to embarrassing yourself on the little baby scooter you've been taking on duty instead.
Wade
Know what's embarrassing?
Wade
You are wearing a windbreaker inside.
Wade
There's no wind in here. That's insane!
WWanda
I bet my whole life is insane to a local cop like you 'cause I'm out there breaking cases, dude. I'm going undercover. I'm working for the FBI...!
Wade
What is that? Why do you say it like that?
WWanda
That's how everybody in the FBI says it.
Wade
Then they should reprint the jackets.
WWanda
That would be so dumb, Wade.
Wade
Why are you here? [to Wendy] Why is she here?
WWanda
Yo! I'm here protecting the SODOTOTUS. [Wade chuckles upon hearing that word.] That's the "Secretary of the Department of Transportation for the United States". He's rolling in, and I'm working his 'cade. That means motorcade. That's what we call it in the FBI because it saves valuable seconds so we can save more lives.
Wade
Mm-hmm.
Wade
Mom, I need to tell you something. I, uh, brought someone here.
WWendy
[surprised] Oh. Oh!
Wade
Yes.
Wade
Well...
Wade
Mm...
[Wade laughs awkwardly as Knuckles arrives at the door, and Wanda gets her battle stance ready.]
Great matriarch of the Whipple clan. [does a bow] I bow my head to you in respect, and I thank you for giving us safe harbor in our time of need.
[Wendy ends up fainting.]
Wade
[to Knuckles] Probably should have opened with your introduction in retrospect.
CBCattleprod Bounty Hunter
[knocks Wade down] You got a price on your head, Whipple. And I'm here to collect. [activates his cattleprod; Wade sees a red light coming closer to the room, and snickers.] What's so funny?
Wade
Oh, nothing. You just picked a fight with the most dangerous warrior in the galaxy. And I'm his favorite student. [Knuckles arrives in the room, which made the bounty hunter shocked. Knuckles charges up with his Chaos energy and punches the hunter straight through the wall, making him fall to the other house.] That's gonna affect the resale.
[hears something in the house] We've got company.
[Wendy is cornered in the kitchen by two bounty hunters holding baseball bats, as she holds a pan to defend herself.]
WWendy
Your move, creeps. [grabs another pan]
[enters the kitchen] Mother Whipple!
WWendy
Knuchles, protect the candles at all costs. [throws one of her pans to the hunters]
[Knuckles charges to the bounty hunters, as he and Wendy fight them, destroying the kitchen in the process and keeping the Shabbat candles safe, as "Hava Nagila" plays in the background. Wendy and Knuckles knock out the last bounty hunter, who nearly falls into the candles... until he is grabbed and tossed to the floor by Wade.]
Wade
Mom! Sorry about the uh... house. [Wendy begins to smile.] You okay? Are you happy? Did I miss something?
WWendy
My kids finally came home for Shabbat. The whole family came together. To protect one another, to care for one another. What more could a mother want? Thank you, Knuchles. [Knuckles nods back.] This... is the best damn Shabbat dinner we ever had. [kisses both her children] Good Shabbos, sweetie. You too, darling.
Wade
Good Shabbos, Mom.
[The Whipples and Knuckles watch happily as the candles finally go out.]
[Wade wakes up in a giant cage on wheels after being kidnapped by Jack Sinclair, which is attached behind a limo.]
JJack
Ah, that's a good chap. You're through the worst.
Wade
Really? Feels like I'm in the middle of the worst right now. Whatever this is.
JJack
Let me tell you the first rule of bounty hunting: Know your target like he's your former best friend. And in this case... [informs his app that he caught Wade] He is. The treasures one finds on Facebook Marketplace. The guy I bought it from was a total weirdo, though.
Wade
Jack, please don't do this to me.
JJack
I believe I already have.
Wade
Do you even know why there's a price on my head? Do you even care? When did you become so heartless?
Wade
The second rule of bounty hunting: Never let things get personal.
Wade
You're my best friend! This is very personal!
JJack
You're right, Wade. I should level with you. I'm in dire financial straits. Due to my lawsuit against an unnamed rainforest-themed restaurant franchise, I don't have two pennies to my name.
Wade
I told you, the robotic birds in that restaurant make the same joke no matter who walks in.
JJack
They were PERSONAL ATTACKS!!!
[Some crows in the sky caw and fly away because of Jack's loud shouting.]
Wade
OKAY! WHATEVER!
JJack
Never mind. Turning you in, equals turning my life around. But if it helps, I'm truly sorry.
Wade
[sarcastically] Yeah, that does actually help. Thank you.
Wade
Jack, think about it. How did we get...
[Jack pulls a lever, and Wade is electrocuted while holding the bars.]
AVAutomatic voice
Do not touch bars.
JJack
Simple. I trapped you, lured you, and cleverly snared you. I was hoping for a little bit more of a fight, to be honest.
Wade
I mean, as friends. How did we get here? First Reno and the Renegades, now this stupid bounty. Did you ever value our friendship at all?
JJack
We had a good run, but you and I are like the frog carrying the scorpion across the river.
Wade
Oh, my God. Not with this story, it goes on forever.
JJack
You allow me to ride on your back; despite knowing I cannot resist my nature to sting you. Even if it means we both drown. Except, I'm also a scorpion who knows how to swim. An exquisite scorpion... with beautiful hair and a way with the ladies. Alright, let's get this show on the road.
Wade
Jack. JACK! [grabs the bars but gets electrocuted again]
AVAutomatic voice
Do not touch bars.
Wade
Ouch!
JJack
[chuckles] Woo-hoo! [enters the limo while Bill and Mrs. Barnes look at him disgusted, while Susie plays with a Nintendo Switch] Sorry about that, gang. One quick drop-off, then it's Reno, baby. Woo! [pushes a remote control, and a karaoke machine is activated and plays "Send Me an Angel" by Real Life] Karaoke time. You ready, Susie's dad, whose name I can't remember?
BBill
For the third time, it's Bill!
JJack
[on mic] I don't care. [starts singing] ♪ Do you believe in Heaven above? Do you believe in love? ♪ Take it, Susie's dad. [throws the microphone to Bill, but it hits the window]
BBill
You didn't tell you were gonna throw it.
[In Wade's cage behind the limo, Wade's phone rings.]
Wade
Ah, come on. Dude. [answers the call] Jack, if this is a prank call, I am really not in the mood for it right now.
[on the phone] Listen to me, Wade. Time is of the essence.
Wade
Knuckles! You have to bust me outta here.
[on the phone] You must bust yourself out, Wade. By learning where a warrior's true strength lies.
Wade
Okay, I understand what you're trying to do.
[on the phone] You will travel to our ancestral lands, the Great Battleground in the Sky.
Wade
Fine.
[on the phone] Now, clear your mind and slip into a deep meditative state.
Wade
[closes his eyes and tries to mediate] I think it's working. I'm ascending.
[Inside the limo, Jack is still having fun to himself.]
JJack
Let's put some wattage in this cottage!
Wade
[on the live camera screen] I'm ascending to...
JJack
Electrocute! [pushes a button on the remote]
[Wade gets electroshocked by the cage's voltage and falls unconscious. The screen cuts to black.]
AVAutomatic voice
Do not touch bars.
[Wade wakes up in a spiritual realm, which takes the form of Neon Nightz Lanes.]
Wade
Where am I?
PPachacamac
I'll tell where you are, Wade. [Wade screams upon encountering the echidna, who does so too.] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Calm down! [Wade stops screaming.] Here, let me make you more comfortable. [transforms into a bowling alley employee]
Wade
Whoa.
PPachacamac
Let's try again. I'll tell you where you are, Wade. The Great Battleground in the Sky!
Wade
[looks around] The Great Battleground in the Sky is... a bowling alley?
PPachacamac
Well, for you it is. For most people, this place has more of a Florida feel, with all-you-can-eat shrimp. But this... is your battleground.
Wade
Okay. Who are you?
PPachacamac
My name's Pachacamac.
Wade
[realizes] Wait. Knuckles told me about you. You're the legendary leader of the Echidna tribe.
PPachacamac
In the flesh, baby.
Wade
Well, it's an honor to meet you, Chief, um...
Wade
Yeah. Chief... Pamachacaw.
Wade
Parmesan.
Wade
Peh...
Wade
...jor...
Wade
...mar...
Wade
...za.
PPachacamac
Y'know what? Mac's fine.
Wade
Okay. If that's... easier for you. I certainly have no problem with the correct pronunciation.
Wade
Things are starting to make some obviously clear and logical sense. Knuckles must've sent me here because this is my next lesson. Hold on. Are you gonna teach me something amazing and essential to my real-life predicament?
MMac
I'm not just going to teach it to you, Wade. I'm going to have it sung to you as part of a low-budget rock opera. Now, please open your mouth. [takes out his wand]
Wade
Um, I'm not really comfortable with that. [laughs nervously]
MMac
Just do it, man. Rainbow! [His wand shoots a ray of rainbows into Wade's mouth.]
Wade
Did you see the sign? Kevin James is headlining here.
Wade
That means you know it's top-notch.
Knuckles · 22 quotes
