[The camera shows a top view of the woods, then cuts to Knuckles, who is running to the training field as "The Warrior" by Scandal plays. The field has a layout similar to what one would see in a classic Sonic game. Knuckles went past the Start sign and dodges several obstacles. He grabs a log and blocks several arrows from shooting him with it. He runs across a tightrope and throws the log away. Knuckles then picks up a boulder, and speeds past a wooden goal plate, showing a drawing of him smiling while raising his fist. The show logo fades in as Knuckles runs to the edge of the mountain, where he begins punching the boulder]
Yes, yes! [destroys the rock with his Chaos energy]
[the scene freezes]
[narrating] I know what you're thinking, "What type of maniac wakes up at dawn to punch boulders?". I'll tell you who - my good pal, Knuckles the Echidna. ["Our House" by Madness begins playing as the scene rewinds to a recap of the second film.] It all began on the Mushroom Planet, where old Knucks got tricked into helping the very evil and very filthy Dr. Mustache escape. He came to Earth in search of a magic emerald and picked a fight with moi, which went very badly for him, by the way. [The scene shows Sonic losing his fight with Knuckles at the Wachowskis' home.] Hey, wait a minute! This is the wrong footage! Why are we showing this?! [The scene speeds to the fight in the Labyrinth.] Eventually, we punched out our differences and teamed up to defeat Robotnik's giant robot, and recovered the Master Emerald, hence saving the universe. Hooray, and you're welcome. [Cut to Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles living together in the attic. Sonic is playing air guitar, Tails is working on some gadgets, and Knuckles is doing upside-down sit-ups.] And then, Knuckles, Tails, and I became friends and roommates! Now with all the hero stuff out of the way, Knuckles' only mission is to relax and enjoy Earth, which might be harder than it sounds.
[Knuckles has attacked and scared off the construction workers to fix the Wachowski house, much to Maddie's dissapointment. Sonic and Tails watch the workers drive off in their truck from the backyard]
Oh, boy. Poor guys. That's the fourth crew this month. But I have to say, Knuckles is in incredible shape. Do you think he's more cardio or weight-focused? Eh, doesn't matter, doesn't matter, he looks fantastic.
TTails
Do you think the house is ever going to get fixed? The living room's getting pretty cold at night with that giant hole in the wall.
MMaddie
[approaches Sonic and Tails] Boys, we need to talk about our little red barbarian friend. I could use some backup.
Knuckles is just having a little trouble adjusting to his new home. It wasn't easy for me to understand this planet first, either.
MMaddie
When did you start getting so wise?
I read a lot of cereal boxes. Also, I had a family who was patient enough to let me figure things out. We have to do the same with Knuckles. Let me talk to him when the time is right.
MMaddie
All right, Sonic. [looks up at the roof] But, in the meantime, do you mind asking him to get our dog off the roof?
[Knuckles is on the roof, holding a hockey stick and talking to Ozzy]
Concentrate, wolf. An attack can come from anywhere at any time. You must have steely focus. [Ozzy just stares, panting] Steelier. Steelier. Steelier! STEELIER! [Ozzy still doesn't listen, smacking his lips]
You know what? I think now is a good time for that talk.
MMaddie
Yeah, I think so, too.
[Sonic and Tails get on the roof with a ladder]
TTails
Come on, Ozzy! [makes kissing noises, getting the dog's attention] Yeah! Good boy.
[As Ozzy follows Tails off the roof, Sonic goes up to Knuckles]
Hey, big guy. Mind if I join ya? Man, this place is beautiful, huh?
What, really? You don't think Green Hills is a beautiful place to live?
[a brief pause]
Okay, okay, okay, okay. [puts his hand on Knuckles' shoulder] Really look around and tell me you don't think this is--
Okay, fine. We'll circle back to this later. It's time we had a talk. You know, hedgehog to echidna. [they both sit down] Listen, moving to a new world was tough for me at first, too. But trust me, this planet is special. It's your home now.
An Echidna warrior has no home. I only remain on Earth because I made a vow to you and the fox. One I intend to keep.
Hey, I respect that, but we won. Robotnik's gone, and there's no new battle to fight. No new quests to embark on. Which means, for the first time, you can take a break from being a warrior. And Earth is the perfect place to do that. So relax, get comfortable. Make yourself at home here.
Hmm... Perhaps you are right, hedgehog. Allow me to meditate on your words of wisdom.
Perfect! My work here is done. I'm gonna do... fun things. [leaves the roof]
[begins to meditate and does so all the while through the day and night, until his eyes pop open with a new epiphany] Yes. I shall make myself at home.
[starts praying] O wise Echidna elders, I seek your guidance in my hour of need. Please, send me a sign.
[Nothing happens. Giving a disappointed sigh, Knuckles turns away, not noticing the ghost of Chief Pachacamac manifesting himself on the beanbag reading a newspaper.]
PPachacamac
Are you kidding me? The Mets lost again?
AH! ASSASSIN!! [brandishes a rubber chicken, which deflates]
PPachacamac
Relax, Knuckles. [lowers the newspaper] It's me.
[gasps] Chief Pachacamac?
PPachacamac
It's good to see you, my boy. Now, put down the rubber chicken and give your old chief a-- [goes in for a hug, but phases through Knuckles because he is a ghost, and falls through the attic, screaming, crashing into several objects offscreen and disturbing Ozzy in the process, but phases back into the attic] Oh, right. [spookily] I'm a ghost...
Thank goodness you're here. I have completed my quest and found the Master Emerald. But with my work complete, what becomes of me?
PPachacamac
Knuckles, your quest is not complete. It's only begun! You are the last of the echidnas, and so the legacy of our people is in your hands.
PPachacamac
I want you to train an apprentice in the ways of the echidna. Teach him our customs, show him our traditions, and soon our tribe will grow once again.
But where will I found such a student?
PPachacamac
Right here. [shows Knuckles a newspaper article about Wade winning the Hot Pocket-eating contest]
Wade Whipple? I know this man. He's no great warrior.
PPachacamac
Neither were you when we first met. He may not look like much, but he's special... in here. [touches his chest] He seeks to compete in a Tournament of Champions, in a mystical place called... Reno, Nevada.
A Tournament of Champions? There is much glory to be found in such a contest!
PPachacamac
[starts rising up] Train him as a warrior! The fate of the echidna is in your-- [accidentally hits the window; Knuckles winces] Stupid window. [keeps hitting the window] How does this ghost stuff even work? [The window finally slides open.] Oh, there we go. [leaves for the heavens] Our fate is in your hands!
[Wade is in his room at home, inspecting himself in the mirror.]
[to himself] Alright, you baby-man. It's time to get ripped! [dons a training headband and gloves] You are strong enough! [lies underneath a dumbbell and tries to lift it, but it collapses on him] No, I'm not! I'm weak! Oh, I'm gonna die today! Oh, help me. Help! Help!
[Just then, Knuckles shows up and effortlessly lifts the dumbbell off of Wade.]
Wade Whipple, this is no time for lying down. [throws the dumbbell away] I come to you with an urgent need.
[sits up and turns around] How did you get in here?
A true warrior can conquer any stronghold. Not even the strongest barrier can contain his might.
Came in through the open window, huh?
[A beat.]
Yes. Yes, I did. You seek to compete in the upcoming Tournament of Champions in Reno, Nevada. I will take you there. This tournament is my destiny.
Yeah. It was mine, too. Until I lost my spot on the team.
How? You were bested by a sworn enemy in trial by combat?
I was brutally trash-talked by an eight-year-old girl named Susie. So, yes. Yeah. The same-- the same thing.
And you do not wish to reclaim your honor?
No, I--I do. I wish to reclaim my honor bad. It's just... Jack Sinclair was right. I'm... not strong, I'm not tough. I'm not a warrior.
But I am. I can train you in ways of the echidna. Teach you every form of lethal combat. Show you the secrets to all my strength.
Then I could use that to challenge Susie in a trial by bowling combat and earn my spot back on the team.
Yes. If you take me on this quest to Reno, I will make you a true warrior! As the great echidna Chief Pachacamac did for me.
Pachacamac. I think my sister went to sleepaway camp there.
Our destiny awaits, Wade Whipple. Do we have an alliance?
Wait a minute. [stands up] Didn't I hear you were grounded? There's no way you're allowed to leave home, right?
One cannot ground an Echidna warrior... [bends the dumbbell] For an Echidna warrior has no home.
All right, that checks out! Let's do this! Destiny awaits! [laughs]
[on the highway, Wade drives his police cruiser with Knuckles in shotgun, passing a mileage sign for Reno, which is 950 miles away]
All right! The warrior training road trip is officially official. Knucks. Can I call you "Knucks"?
Knuck, knuck. [a beat] Knuck, knuck. You gotta say, "Who's there?".
"Knuckolas Cage". [laughs]
So, tell me a little about yourself. You know, I-I know that you're an alien and that you're super powerful and that you've recently saved the world, et cetera, et cetera. But let's dig a little deeper, you know? You have any hobbies?
Honor is really more of a principle than a hobby.
Hmm... Maybe I should restate the question. What do you like to do for fun?
Gettin' a little dark. I was thinking more like reading, o-or yoga o-or music.
Yes. The hedgehog spoke of this Earth music. Tell me, what is it?
Oh, I-- [laughs] I can't just tell you what it is. I have to... I have to– I'll put on one of my classic Wade mixes. [plays "Can I Kick It?" by A Tribe Called Quest] Everyone at the station loves these. I send out a link every Monday. [starts singing along] ♪ Yes, you can! Can I kick it? Yes, you can! Can I kick it? Yes, you can! Can I kick it? Yes, you can! Can I kick it? Yes, you can! Can I kick it? ♪
[takes the lyrics quite literally and kicks the radio with his foot] Ha! Kicked!
[Knuckles comes to, trapped inside his box. The room he is inside is shrouded in darkness, only faintly illuminated by his box's walls. He can barely notice the faint silhouette of elk antlers.]
Where have you taken me? A dungeon? A torture chamber? A pit so deep that no one will ever hear my screams? [Mason presses a remote, revealing Knuckles is actually inside a fancy, cozy foyer.] Oh. That's quite nice, actually.
Damn right. Always pictured myself living in a place like this one day. Now I don't know how to ski, but with a house like this, you bet I could learn.
[in his police cruiser outside the resort, to himself] All you have to do is sneak into the bad guys' lair, try not to get yourself killed by their superpowered weapons, and then save your cool new best friend. What could possibly go wrong? [takes a glance at Mason's stolen gauntlets] Come on, Wade. What would Knuckles do? [cut to Knuckles sitting inside the box, lost in thought] He'd come up with an awesome rescue plan.
Ah... I am visualizing my inevitable escape and your brutal destruction at my hands. [laughs maniacally] Yes! Your arms have just snapped off with the most satisfying crunch.
Well, it's a good thing you're trapped inside that case then, buddy.
[enters the foyer] Stop talking to him!
Fine with me. I'm gonna go relax. Job's done, and we about to get paid! [claps and leaves]
[in the box, his eyes closed] Oh, how your screams are a symphony to my ears as I crush your skulls into a fine powder and--
Sorry, don't mean to interrupt, but, uh, you almost finished here?
No! [realizes] Okay, now I am finished.
Do you know, I'm sorry we haven't gotten a chance to get to know each other yet. I'm actually quite an admirer of your work.
What could you possibly know about my life of battles and quests?
Oh... [stands up] I know all about you, Knuckles. Studying creatures like you, your abilities, where you're from. That was my job for a long time.
I see. Then, you know about my tribe's victory over the vile Dr. Robotnik!
So, if you know how I destroyed someone as dangerous as him, then you know how easily I can destroy someone like you.
Is that what you think? That I'm nothing? That I'm no one compared to the great Ivo Robotnik? Well, let me assure you, you're wrong. 'Cause while I know everything about you, I promise, you know nothing about me. But when this is all over... you will.
[Wade pulls up to the front door of the resort in his police cruiser and exits the car.]
All right. Geared up. Here we go. [places down his gear: the oil can, the wire, the hairspray, the floss, and the lighter, before donning Mason's gauntlets] Hang tight, Knucks. I'm comin' to get ya. All I need is the perfect rescue soundtrack. [gets his Spotify rescue playlist cued up on his phone] Let's do this, Spotify! Time to rock out! [attempts to hit the play button multiple times, but the gauntlets are too thick to register on his phone] That's not gonna... [tries again to hit play with his nose, but when he finally does, his playlist only plays the extremely ill-fitting "I Don't Want to Wait" by Paula Cole] Oh, no, not that song! Oh, forget it. Warrior mode activated. [slams his gauntlets together, accidentally releasing a burst of Chaos energy. It is so strong that it knocks him back, spills the contents of the oil can right on the fireworks inside the cruiser, knocks his sunglasses off his head as they crack to the ground, and causes the hairspray to blast the fire from the lighter right on his cruiser, igniting the fireworks as they go off.] The fireworks were supposed to be the grand finale!
[Willoughby and Mason are playing chess against each other when they hear the fireworks erupting outside.]
Sounds like someone just set off...
[The two agents leave the foyer, leaving Knuckles all alone and confused on what is going on. Willoughby and Mason head out onto the balcony and see Wade's fireworks still exploding.]
Is that the round little man again?
[The remaining fireworks finish exploding with Wade's cruiser relatively intact.]
Oh. At least she's still drivable.
[But Wade has spoken too soon because the cruiser erupts in flames.]
[looks up] That's right! I'm here for the echidna! [hears beeping from the left gauntlet gauntlets] What's that beeping? That can't be good. Wonder what that-- [presses a button and accidentally activates the right gauntlet's rocket boosters before being sent flying] Oh, no! [jerks to his right] Yah! Ay-ay-ay! [flies upwards] Oh, no! [floats downwards] Oh, my God! [jerks to his left] Wee-hee-hee-hee! [tries to regain control as the agents stare dumbfounded] I will be right with you guys! [accidentally flies straight in their direction] Oh, God! [crashes through the windows and hits the ground]
You guard the echidna. I'm gonna go and handle this. [leaves to fight Wade]
[Willoughby follows suit.]
[to Knuckles, armed with her blaster rifle] Who are you working with?
He is my protege and my apprentice. A force so strong of body, mind, and heart that your last words will be a plea for a merciful death, from the warrior known only as... Wade.
[Wade enters the room exhausted by his fight with Mason.]
Sorry. Sorry. Say, quite a tussle back there. You should see the other guy. [looks at a knocked-out Mason] Oh. Here he is.
Seriously? This is your great warrior? Thought he'd be dead by now.
[unamused] It's his first day.
I know I may not look like much of a warrior, but... no offense, you guys don't, either. I mean, he looks like a sexy menswear model, and you look like some kind of psychotic Uma Thurman lookalike.
Thank you. Now, before you die, tell me one thing. What does a moron like you want with the echidna?
We're gonna win a bowling tournament. [launches his left gauntlet on Knuckles' cage]
[in slow motion] Oh, no! [The gauntlet causes a huge explosion that destroys Knuckles' cage and almost half of the resort. Cut to a now free Knuckles as Wade hugs him awkwardly.] What. Are. You. Doing?
I'm hugging you, as is your celebratory tradition, is it not? [lets Knuckles go and they see the two agents knocked out] Come on, we gotta get outta here before they wake up.
[Wade and Knuckles look at the hole created by the explosion, which leads to a cliff.]
Whatever happens... hold on.
What?! What do you mean? [gets pushed off the cliff by Knuckles, who also jumps. Before they could crash, Knuckles raises his fists and begins gliding.] WE'RE ALIVE! KNUCKLES! [laughs joyfully] WE'RE ALIVE! OOOOOHH!!!! [They pass by the full Moon, E.T. style.] Knuckles! You didn't tell me you could fly!
For very short distances.
[Knuckles lands next to a dumpster in a parking lot, while Wade lands right inside it. Wade struggles himself to get out of the dumpster.]
[gags and coughs] It stinks! [falls on the ground, groans] Knuckles...
Get up! Now is no time to rest, Wade Whipple. We must flee!
[They both notice a black pickup truck being parked.]
[Knuckles and Wade get in the truck and close the doors behind them.]
How? I can't just drive us. There's no keys. [Knuckles haywires the vehicle with his fist, which causes it to start.] Okay, I can just drive us.
[Wade floors on the gas pedal, and they drive off.]
[The two agents come out from the destroyed resort, where Wade's cruiser is still on fire.]
[grunts in frustration] We are SO SCREWED!!
Yeah, I'm pissed, too. But what are we gonna do? I guess the deal's off.
No. No, you don't understand. The deal's not off. There's no backing out... with him. We've been selling weapons to one of the most dangerous criminal organizations in the world, run by an absolute sociopath! Now, we're screwing him over on a deal! [mockingly] "We don't just get to take our ball and go home". We show up empty-handed, he's gonna straight-up kill us! Most likely in a pretty horrible way.
Well, that doesn't sound great.
No! Not great! Not great at all. We need to get them, fast, before he gets us.
[Wade and Knuckles are sitting at a table at a Burger Shack after eating dinner.]
Wade Whipple, you wish to be a warrior. Yet you hail from Green Hills, a place where there are no warring clans. So, why do you remain there?
I guess... Green Hills has always just been home. I mean, there must be some place in the universe that's like that for you, right?
Since the loss of my tribe, I have journeyed across every corner of the galaxy. Seen planets and stars you could only dream of. But nowhere I have called home.
That must be tough for you.
Yes. I made a promise to my fellow warriors to find the Master Emerald and protect it. That shall be my goal until the moment I join my people in the Great Battleground in the Sky. One thing I have learned in pledging my life to this quest is that I have been betrayed again, and again. And again. And again.
Wow. I'm sorry that happened to you.
[feels bad] You know how that feels, don't you? To be betrayed?
Yeah. Yeah, I know how that feels.
By your father, who abandoned you like common gutter trash!
No, I got what you were saying. Thank you very much, though. [makes a promise] Warrior or not, I'm strong enough to know that I would never betray a friend.
You are stronger than you think, Wade Whipple.
On a scale of one to warrior, you are a three.
Really? I'm gonna put that on my dating profile. "Wade Whipple. Solid three". Now, come on. Let's hit the road, huh?
[On the road, Knuckles and Wade listen to "Rock You Like a Hurricane" by the Scorpions in the truck on the radio, aggressively headbanging and laughing. Wade drums the steering wheel.]
[Wade turns the volume up, until the music is interrupted.]
RARadio Announcer
The Rock Zone Special Report.
HRHost Reader
Alright, this just in, guys. Authorities have a manhunt out for a guy named Wade Whipple. You remember this guy? He was the sheriff's deputy who won the Hot Pocket-eating contest at last year's Spring Fest. That guy. There is a bounty out for the guy now. I mean, he is royally screwed.
RARadio Announcer
Screwed.
HRHost Reader
I would not want to be that guy today. Alright, let's get back to the music.
[This announcement leaves Wade and Knuckles shocked and devastated.]
Oh, my God. I'm a fugitive! There's a bounty on my head! And I'm Munsoned out here in the middle of nowhere? What are we gonna do? [Knuckles destroys the radio with his fist.] You just love smashing radios, don't ya?
[On the highway during sunrise, the truck passes through a mileage sign for Reno, which is 700 miles away. Wade has fallen asleep while driving.]
[suddenly awakens] Oh! Yes?
First light has broken. We need safe harbor. Somewhere we can stay hidden and secure.
[gets an idea] I know a place we could lay low, but it's gonna mean going somewhere I haven't been in a really long time.
[Wade and Knuckles are at the front door of Wade's childhood home, as Wade rings the doorbell.]
Stay hidden, until I give you the signal.
'Cause I think you're gonna freak people out.
[Knuckles hides as the door opens and Wade is greeted by his mother, Wendy, who is surprised by his arrival.]
WWendy
Wade, my little hamantaschen! [greets Wade with a kiss] How long has it been? Well, I can tell you exactly how long it's been. Two years, three months, and 13 days. Not that I'm marking my calendar.
[Both Wade and his mother laugh.]
Clearly. Uh, listen, Mom, it's good to be home. I-I do have something to...
[Wade's sister, Wanda, arrives in the front door.]
WWanda
[takes off her sunglasses] 'Sup, Wade?
[shows a little jealousy] 'Sup, Wanda?
WWanda
I gotta tell you. If you're... back here because you lost your squad car again, you wanna borrow Mom's Volvo, don't bother. Volvo is too much car for you anyways.
WWanda
Maybe you should just stick to embarrassing yourself on the little baby scooter you've been taking on duty instead.
Know what's embarrassing?
You are wearing a windbreaker inside.
There's no wind in here. That's insane!
WWanda
I bet my whole life is insane to a local cop like you 'cause I'm out there breaking cases, dude. I'm going undercover. I'm working for the FBI...!
What is that? Why do you say it like that?
WWanda
That's how everybody in the FBI says it.
Then they should reprint the jackets.
WWanda
That would be so dumb, Wade.
Why are you here? [to Wendy] Why is she here?
WWanda
Yo! I'm here protecting the SODOTOTUS. [Wade chuckles upon hearing that word.] That's the "Secretary of the Department of Transportation for the United States". He's rolling in, and I'm working his 'cade. That means motorcade. That's what we call it in the FBI because it saves valuable seconds so we can save more lives.
Mom, I need to tell you something. I, uh, brought someone here.
WWendy
[surprised] Oh. Oh!
[Wade laughs awkwardly as Knuckles arrives at the door, and Wanda gets her battle stance ready.]
Great matriarch of the Whipple clan. [does a bow] I bow my head to you in respect, and I thank you for giving us safe harbor in our time of need.
[Wendy ends up fainting.]
[to Knuckles] Probably should have opened with your introduction in retrospect.
