TomWe definitely needed this.
Tom
And you know what? For the first time, I'm not worried about the boys at all. (Frankie holds a leaf and lets it give Sandy a breeze)
(chuckles) (Joe walks to Sandy and Tom to give beverages to them) Oh, thank you. (takes a beverage from the tray)
Tom
(also takes a beverage from the tray) Thank you. Mm. (drinks)
This is delicious. (drinks)
(offers) Braid your hair, ma'am?
Tom
Oh, but you know what? A foot massage would be nice. What do you think, hon?
Ooh... Yeah. (agrees) (Kevin, Joe, Nick and Frankie stop what they're doing and four of them kneel down then Joe and Frankie massage sunscreen on Sandy's feet while Kevin and Nick massage sunscreen on Tom's feet)
Why couldn't you just ground us like normal parents? (Kevin shakes his head) (Tom and Sandy toast each other then they drink)
Tom
Give me a C!
Tom
Give me an O!
Tom
Give me a-
Dad, we’ve got school. How many more letters are there gonna be?
Tom
I was going to spell "Coler." As in Robert Lincoln Coler.
Tom
The most respected music critic in the business.
(sits) I hate that guy. He's so pedantic, pompous, pretentious.
It looks like someone's been reading their word-of-the-day calendar.
Tom
Yeah, well, he loved your last album.
(stands up and walks to Kevin) That Coler? He's so cool. Some would say sagacious.
Kevin Watch you mouth.
It means "shrewd." May 23rd.
Kevin I thought it was impossible to get an interview with that guy.
Tom
Yeah, it is. It is, which is why it's so unbelievably awesome I got us an interview!
Kevin No way.
Tom
(laughs) Let's celebrate. Five-second dance party. Go. (dance music playing) And we're dancing. Let's dance it.
Mom, dad's dancing again! (tells Sandy)
Tom
Come on, you guys. (Kevin, Nick and Joe are going downstairs) All right, we'll do more dancing later. Robert Coler.
Well, thank you, gentlemen. (turns around and talks to Kevin, Joe and Nick) I found you guys quite perspicacious. (shakes Kevin's hand)
(tells Nick and Kevin) That means "insightful." Or was it "to sweat like a cow?" (Robert chuckles and leaves then Joe closes the door) (Stella and Macy are downstairs)
So, I thought that went really great. What are we doing now?
Excellent question, Stella. What are we doing on this very special evening?
I don't know about you guys. But showing my better side all day has got me exhausted. I'm going to bed. Good night, guys. (walks upstairs)
Yeah, I'm wiped. Have a good night, guys. See you soon. (walks upstairs)
Yeah, after even three hours, I'm tired of talking about myself. Oh, wait, I almost forgot. Don't forget your purse. (walks upstairs)
They- they forgot my birthday.
I can’t believe they did that. I’m gonna go yell at them.
No, I don't want you to go yell at them.
Good, 'cause, I could never yell at them. I guess I'll see you tomorrow?
Happy birthday, dear Stella. Happy birthday to you.
Bye. (leaves) (door opens, closes)
Bye. (walks to the table to take her purse) (electricity crackles) (notices the black out) What? (Tom is walking the stairs with a candle) I knew it.
Tom
Oh! Hey, Stella. I didn't know you were still here. So, I blew a fuse plugging in my hot comb. (gives Stella the candle) (flashlight clicks) I'll get this fix in a jiff. (walks away and Stella turns around then Tom leaves) (door closes)
Happy... birthday to me. (blows the candle) (door opens) (thudding) Ow! Ouch! (door closes) (the power is on) (Stella opens the door and she has a jacket on her head then she removes it from her head) (leaves)
Tom
Thank you very much. (stands up) (door opens) (Nick, Joe and Kevin enter the house after school) Hey, Give me a C!
"Coler." (takes off his bag and sets it down)
Tom
What? Oh, yeah. Anyway, I just talked to him.
Did he say anything about my hottie award?
Tom
No. No no, but he was so happy with the interview that he's make you guys the cover story.
So nothing about the hottie award?
Tom
He's gonna be here in an hour.
Tom
Yeah.
He can't come in an hour. Stella's coming over to celebrate her birthday.
Tom
Well, you can't bail on Coler. The last band to cancel an interview with this guy was the Happy Teens.
JKJoe, Kevin and Nick
Who?
Tom
Exactly. All right, now I know Stella will be disappointed, but she'll understand. Do you want me to talk to her? I can be gentle but firm.
No no no, you know what? We'll talk to her. She's our friend.
Tom
Thank goodness. That girl scares me. (leaves)
Guys we can't cancel on Stella and we can't cancel on Coler. There's no way out.
It's the Happy Teens all over again.
I have an idea. What if we do the interview with Coler upstairs and Stella's party downstairs?
But won't that make Stella mad? You know taking time away from her birthday party for some rock star interview?
Plus, Coler wouldn't think we're taking him seriously.
No, not if they don't know about each other.
Look, we go back and forth-- upstairs, downstairs. We've got poles how hard could it be?
It's like we'll be in two places at once.
Let's do it. (walks upstairs with Joe and Kevin)
(walks to Kevin and asks) Dude, what's all this stuff?
Ghost-tracking equipment so I can finally prove to you guys that we have a ghost.
Ghosts? Please tell me you kept the receipts.
Nick, I'm trying to tell you we have a ghost. (holds the book) It's all right here in this book. (gives the book to Joe)
(reads the title) "Ghosts, ghouls, and cleanest hot-dog stands of New Jersey." (flips the pages)
It's kept track of every paranormal event plus all the greatest schnitzel in the Garden State.
(tells Kevin) Seriously, the receipts-- (snaps his fingers) hand 'em over.
(takes the book back from Joe) According to this, our firehouse is haunted by the ghost of William Smith, a volunteer fireman... (buzzing) (he takes the electromagnetic meter away from Joe) who died unexpectedly at the age of 103.
Kevin, ghosts don't exist. Joe, please talk some sense into him. (Joe puts on goggles and wears them)
Dude, you look sick in night vision. Kevin, where'd you get these. I'm never taking them off.
Actually, at the ghost outlet. Check out the ghost cam. If there's a ghost in this room, this camera will detect it.
Dude, that's just a regular video camera.
No way! It cost three times what a regular video camera costs plus it has a ghost sticker.
I can see your underwear.
Those aren't x-ray goggles. (tells Joe)
No, your pants are riding a little low, my brother. (Nick pulls his jeans up)
Volunteer fireman William Smith, you can haunt but you can't hide. (Joe stops wearing the goggles) Look! (goes around the room then sees the glass of juice)
Five minutes ago my glass of juice was full. Who drank it? (Nick walks to the kitchen counter) A thirsty ghost perhaps?
Dude, this is my juice. (picks up his juice) That's yours over there. (points to Kevin's juice near the stove)
Oh. (Tom and Frankie walk downstairs)
Tom
Hey, guys.
Dad, would you please tell Kevin that this firehouse isn't haunted?
Tom
What? What happened? Did you see the ghost?
What do you mean, the ghost?
Tom
Uh, Frankie, why don't you go online and get us our movie tickets?
Tom
(sits while telling Kevin, Joe and Nick) Okay, look, when we bought this firehouse, there was this legend of some ghost that haunted the place.
Dad, why haven't you ever tell us?
Tom
Well, there's-- there's no such thing as ghosts, right? Plus I was afraid he would condemn our souls for eternity if I told on him.
Dad, it okay to be frightened. Look at me. I'm scared speechless. But I'm still gonna prove that this place is haunted with the help of the mighty ghost cam.
Tom
Isn't that just a regular video camera?
Apparently it's got some type of ghost sticker on it.
Tom
Please tell me you kept the receipts.
The guy in the van said I didn't need one.
Tom
Okay.
Tom
(enters the house with Anya's message to Kevin) Delivery for Kevin! (Nick, Joe and Kevin walk to the table) From a little lady called Anya. Ta-dah! (Tom puts Anya's message to Kevin on the table)
"Dance will the to me you with go"!
I think she speaks in broken cookie.
"Will you to the dance go with me"!
Tom
Hey, Anya's asking you to the dance. Wait-- you know what? Do you mind? This one's got "me" written all over it. (reached for a cookie and takes it) (laughs)
I think I'm gonna bake her three cakes that spell "yes." You know, Anya's the first girl that I've met that really gets me.
Well, we've met a lot of girls. It was bound to happen.
Sometimes it's hard being the different one. But with Anya, we're both the different one, so we're the same... in that we're different from all the others that are the same.
Tom
That's-- that's good. Good.
You didn't get it, did you?
Tom
Oh no. No. (leaves)
You know what else I like about her? She speaks her mind. When she's mad, she says so. Happy, says so. Hungry, says so. Tired, says so. Sad, says so. Gassy... says so. Doesn't feel like talking, she says so. (notices Joe and Nick are sleeping on the table then joins them)
We gotta find out who's been sneaking those photos of us from inside this house.
Look at him! Sitting there all innocent and dad.
Tom
Terrific. I just cut the band a monster deal that is bigger--
Yeah yeah yeah, it's great. (he turns off the lights) (he and Nick walk to towards Tom then Joe and Nick take their beverages off the counter) (Joe wears his sunglasses while Where were you between the hours of 8:00 and 11:00 Saturday morning?
Tom
Well, at Frankie's soccer game.
Prove it. (picks up his beverage and drinks it)
Tom
I have witnesses.
Tom
You guys.
He's right. We were there. I remember that now.
Tom
So unless you fellas are willing to charge me, I do have an appointment in the world of normal. (walks to the light switch to turn it on) (chuckles)
Tom
Yeah?
Don't leave town. (guitar riff playing) Hey-yyyy!
Tom
Okay. (walks away) (Nick puts his beverage on the counter)
What are you doing? (sunglasses crunch) (trash can rattles) (Nick takes Joe's glasses off then breaks it in half to throw it away but Joe has another pair) (guitar riff playing) Hey-yyyy! (Kevin walks into the house after Anya ended their relationship)
Not good. I can't figure out what went wrong with me and Anya.
Joe Well, you guys are going out and then she broke up with you.
But why? Why?! Why? Why? Everything was going so good back in Scandinavia.
Maybe you should go back to Anya's country.
No, I'd miss you guys too much.
We'd miss you too. (Kevin fist bumps Joe and Nick)
Wait a minute! If I could make it so being here, reminds her of home, maybe she'll remember how happy we were there.
Maybe you should study up on Scandinavia and do whatever you can to make her feel at home.
If I bring Norway her way, maybe she won’t go away. (Joe and Nick look at each other then they clap their hands) Thanks.
(stands on his bed then he walks on the amps and jumps on his bed but one of his shoes) Check this out. (glass shatters) (cat screeches) )British siren blaring) (tires screech) (cow moos) (bagpipes playing)
Tom
What's going up here? Joe, did you just break a window with a shoe? That then hit a cat, causing a British ambulance to crash? Which then scared a cow, who sat on a fat guy playing bagpipes?
No, that was my ringtone. Hello? It's for you. (gives his cell phone to Nick)
Hello? Yeah, hold on. It's for you. (gives Joe's cell phone to Kevin)
(takes Joe's from Nick) Hello? Yeah, oh yeah, he's right here. Hold on. Hey, dad, it's for you. (Joe looks at Kevin and Nick then looks at Tom)
Tom
Hello? Oh hey, what's going on?
Is there someone on the phone?
Tom
I don't know. You tell me, shoeless Joe. (Joe looks at his sock then Kevin and Nick look at Joe)
I'll pay for the window. (Kevin and Nick take their guitar off) (Kevin, Joe and Nick are going to their poles)
Tom
Oh, hey, Joe your phone. (toss Joe's phone to him)
(Grabs his phone, but ends up falling down the fire pole opening) (yells, thuds) Ahh!
(Looks down the fire pole with Nick) He’s good.
(groans) Kevin, it's been 10 minutes. Will you please just go?
Just so you know, no matter how long you stare at those letters, they're not gonna change.
Then how did my "q" just become an "o"?
Because I gave that to you.
(walks downstairs and asks Joe) What are you guys playing?
"Word Hole" It's that Belgian board game that we did the commercial for. (Nick takes the top of the box then he remembers the commercial that he, Joe and Kevin did) (announcer speaks German) (Kevin, Nick and Joe are speaking German) Word hole!
Too late, 'cause I have a seven letter word and I win!
Plobnrg? That's not a word.
Sure it is. Hi, I'm Kevin
"Plobnrg" means "awesome". "Like, hi, I'm Kevin. I just won the board game. I'm so plobnrg".
Tom
Guys, the band just got an exciting offer. It's totally plobnrg. How would you boys like to be the judges at the miss most amazing teen
That'd be so cool. (Stella gives a look to Kevin, Joe and Nick)
Actually, we find those contests to be just glorified beauty pageants, right gentlemen?
And superficial and demeaning.
And it sends a bad message to those hotties-- young women.
Tom
Yeah, and I guess I'd agree with all that junk you guys just said.
Guys, spare me. Beauty contests are the only outlet for those poor pathetic pageant girls whose sole talent is walking in a straight line
All right, well, I mean, in that case...
Let's do it for the hotties.
Tom
(clears throat) Good... to go.
That handsome old man is dad of JONAS.
Tom
Hey, Stella. (sees that Kevin, Nick and Joe are studying) Oh, that's what I love to see. My boys are cracking the books. All right. Now don't forget, if you pass these exams tomorrow, then you will have to stay here and repeat the class.
We know and that means no tour.
Tom
No tour.
Which means no amazing split.
Which saves us a trip to the emergency room in some foreign country.
"Love sick" is the perfect opener.
Sure, girls go crazy. They cry, they scream. They try and rip off our clothes. Especially you, Joe. (Stella walks by while carrying a sewing kit then she sits)
You know, I don't think you guys should do that song. I mean, the last thing rockstars need is a mob of excited screaming girls just rushing to the stage. You know that's dangerous. Especially you, Joe. Fine, whatever. Do the song.
Tom
It's about the tour.
Dad, did they spell my name wrong on the tour jackets again?
You do look more like a Karen than a Kevin.
Tom
All right, look, I just got a call from the school. And it seems one of you boys failed your exam.
Tom
All right, you guys passed. Nick, you failed your geometry exam. You can't move to the next grade till you pass geometry. So you're just gonna have to take the class again. Look, I'm sure you're pass it next time, all right?
Tom
Well, that's... I'm afraid we're gonna have to cancel the tour.
I can't believe I failed the test.
JKJoe and Kevin
I can't believe I passed. (Joe wants to give Kevin a high five but Kevin doesn't want it)
Wow. For someone who ruined our world tour you think he'd have more trouble sleeping.
I think I know what'll wake him up. (Kevin touches Nick's keyboard)
Don't touch my keyboard. (wakes up after Kevin touched the keyboard)
All right, good. You're awake.
Me and Kevin figured out a way for you to learn this geometry stuff a lot easier. All right, here we go. (Kevin is strumming his guitar)
Guys, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but that's just one law of geometry. There are dozens of those for me to know.
This is gonna be better than a Christmas album. (rock music playing)
It's the next day and Nick has taken his retest. Let's check in as they anxiously await the result. (Nick growls when Macy puts the camera close to his face) On second thought, I think it's best to give them their space. (backs away from Kevin, Joe and Nick)
Tom
(runs upstairs) Nick, it's your geometry teacher.
(walks to Tom and takes the phone to talk to his teacher on it) Yeah? No. Yeah. No. Yeah. Okay, bye. (hangs up the phone)
Tom
Yeah or no?
No, he needs a perfect score.
But my teacher said I could make up the last point if I calculate the volume of nacho cheese spread consumed by each screaming fan per cubic foot of arena space.
What does that even mean?
Tom
That means the tour is back on. You did it.
Tom
Whoo-hoo! Oh, I'm so relieved. This means I won't have to spend the summer picking through garage sales with your mother. I mean, how many old fire helmets can one woman have? I get it, we live in a firehouse.
Jonas · 237 quotes
