Vaughn Du Clark quotes from IZombie

Vaughn Du Clark

Zombies don't deserve our mercy, so just put that thought out of your head. [Du Clark chuckles before exhaling] How to explain? I love submarine movies. Big fan. And there's always this moment... It's the moment where the sub is torpedoed, and the compartment is flooding, and the captain's gotta give the order to, 'seal it up,' even though he still knows that there are men still alive in there. Cut to the sailor who receives that order. Tears in his eyes, closing that hatch on his comrades. The man that closes that hatch is a hero, isn't he? [the scene cuts to showing a man be attacked in his own home] But we are both doing what needs to be done. We are saving lives. There are zombies living among us. And they are feasting on human brains. Where do they get these brains? Who knows? But don't you think it's a good idea to put an end to it? Sure, they look like us, they sound like us, but if you think about them as brain-eating atomic bombs, you'll sleep like a baby.

Major Lilywhite

You've got the wrong man for the job.

[Gilda exhales] Ugh. Mystery solved. Yellow represents its urine flavor. Can you register some concern with my news? You had me move in with her, so you wouldn't get blind-sided by this sort of thing.

Vaughn Du Clark

Stay on task, sweetie.

[Gilda coughs at the second sample] Go with the urine-flavor.

Wait! Who is this? Where's Dr. Irving?

Vaughn Du Clark

Oh, lab accident. Dr. Lockett's getting his big break.

[scoffs] They're like drummers for Spinal Tap.

So, the thought of a zombie who works for the police and hates you, finding out we're killing zombies really isn't worth worrying about?

Vaughn Du Clark

Okay, so you really think she's going to go to all her cop buddies, and say, 'Hey, everyone! Zombies exist!' 'Let's go arrest all those guys who rid the world of zombies.' Please.

Maybe. Or maybe she just gets hungry one night and decides to eat you.

Vaughn Du Clark

As I know you've already redecorated my office in your mind, you can only hope.

I'll be going with a mid-century vibe. Desk facing north. Warhol originals. Your Elon Musk Bobble-head in the trash.

Major Lilywhite

Hate to break it to you, you being the owner of the company and all, but, all the sugar and caffeine in energy drinks just makes you crash.

Vaughn Du Clark

Super Max is no energy drink, my friend. It is a revolution in liquid form.

As you can see, the test subject is struggling to keep up at three miles per hour. But once the Super Max enters the blood stream... The results are immediate. We can crank the treadmill up as high as nine miles per hour. Endurance and strength also sky rocket.

Vaughn Du Clark

[the zombie snarls while running] Woah. I'm impressed. Considering how little cash your typical member of the undead carries.

I think we've got a major problem.

Vaughn Du Clark

A "Major" major problem or a minor major problem?

Do you know what Mom used to say about you?

Vaughn Du Clark

"You should've gotten that man's name"?

'Vaughn Du Clark, smartest man in the world until you stroke his ego. Then he's like all the rest.'

He's playing you.

Vaughn Du Clark

Please. You can't play a player.

You're too vain to see it. He's blinded you with man-jewelry and the promise of a rock-hard ass.

Vaughn Du Clark

Well, promise delivered.

Vaughn Du Clark

'Max Rager tastes like the ass of a turtle swimming in a dirty river.'

I don't know why he does this to himself.

Vaughn Du Clark

Thank you, Sambulo21, from Swaziland. Boy, I just love this guy's comprehensive knowledge of how turtle ass tastes.

Vaughn Du Clark

I'm going to be so upset if you're not telling me the truth. And I don't get mad, Major.

Major Lilywhite

You get even?

Vaughn Du Clark

Oh, God, no. No, no, no. What's the fun there? I get even with interest. I embrace the Chicago way.

Vaughn Du Clark

Looks like he's had something of a bad day. Yeah, that's Thai for 'pool of his own blood.' Yeah, I don't think he's going to be thumbing through any of those magazine subscriptions.

[Gilda looks at Major] Wonder if he had any adorable rugrats.

Vaughn Du Clark

Hey, why don't we send him some really embarrassing magazine subscriptions, huh?

'Chub Hub.' Or 'Bathhouse Monthly.'

Vaughn Du Clark

Or, wait. What's that really freaky one you like?

'Slow Torture and Gardens'?

Major Lilywhite

Have I not been doing a good job?

Vaughn Du Clark

Well, you know what? Let's find out. [Vaughn Du Clark shakes a little black 8 ball on his desk, reading] 'Ask again later.'