Mary Shannon quotes from In Plain Sight

Marshall

I'm impressed.

Mary

With what?

Marshall

You seem to be following a direct order.

Mary

[scoffs] I always follow a direct order. Unless, you know, it's stupid.

Marshall

I'm also impressed you seem to be rolling with change. It's not something at which you are adept.

Mary

Hey, I'm adept at change! I mean, did I not go on vacation with Faber? No one, including me, thought I could vacate, and I vacated!

Marshall

During the so-called vacation you convinced Faber to go make things work with his ex-wife and kids, which proves my thesis that you prefer a known situation that's deeply flawed to an unknown situation potentially free of flaws.

Mary

[stroking a car] Oh, man, it's the same color!

Marshall

Angry aubergine.

Peter

I searched for it far and wide. Found it at a used car dealer in Resolute, Kentucky. The dealer didn't want to sell it because he said he believed in God and he was sure it was a sin to make money off this, and I'm quoting, chariot of Satan.

Marshall

It has one hundred and forty thousand miles on it!!

Mary

It's road tested. Durable!

Marshall

Or as seen through another lens, a candidate for the junkyard!

Peter

Look, Mary, there's no reason for you to regress back into a Probe. Let me put you into a new loaner.

Mary

The only reason I'm back in the loaner is because of Mr. Headroom, here.

Marshall

The Probe is a known situation that is deeply flawed.

Mary

Or, seen through another lens, bite me.

Marshall

Your claws are showing.

Mary

They don't retract. I gotta tell you, I am both annoyed and impressed that you kept this little relationship a secret from me.

Marshall

Keeping secrets is part and parcel of our chosen profession.

Mary

Only the cheerleader doesn't seem your type.

Marshall

I defy you to categorize the women I've dated as belonging to one specific type. If anyone, it is you who has a deeply ingrained pattern to your romantic involvements.

Mary

Right. Yeah. Okay. Dominican ball player and divorcee FBI agent. Peas in a pod, those two.

Marshall

Both Raph and Faber believe that no matter how tough and independent a woman is, underneath it all, she wants a white picket fence and 2.5 kids. That's why you didn't marry Raph and Faber went back to sort things out with his ex-wife and 2.5 kids.

Mary

What are you saying? My type is guys that don't get me?

Marshall

In point of fact, your type is guys that you don't get don't get you. But this only applies to long-term relationships. Short-term, you will your words, not mine drop jeans with just about anyone.

Mary

What?

Marshall

We know what we are, but know not what we may be.

Mary

Don't talk like that. What's your point?

Marshall

Your mom is well ensconced at teaching ballet, your sister is engaged, and despite your underlying belief in her guilt it turns out she was free of complicity in the car theft. The questions is, what does the protective lioness do without anyone to protect?

Just make sure my witness shows up safe and sound at trial.

Mary

Wait, safe and sound? Is that new? That's not an either or thing?

Mary

[to coffee maker as she answers her phone] I hate you!

Marshall

What?

Mary

No, not you.

Marshall

Joey called. He said there's a situation at the house.

Mary

I am not going anywhere until I get...

Marshall

I've got two coffees.

Mary

I swear to God, you're a keeper.

Mary

Unbelievable. Adam was dead on about these guys from the get-go.

Marshall

Ah, the dulcet sound of a Mary Shannon admission, so rarely heard in nature.

Mary

Do you think everyone wants to punch you in the mouth?

Mary

All right, fess up. Is something going on between you two? You having a fling or something?

I'm not having a fling.

Mary

Then, what? Don't tell me you've been in love with her since high school or something.

No. Since I was nine, actually.

Marshall

Let me get this straight. Your whole life you've loved one woman?

It's not like I didn't date. I had girlfriends. I even almost got engaged once. But ever since that first kiss in Winnie's bedroom window, no one's ever measured up.

Mary

Of course no one's measured up. You never got together. It's all just fantasy. Moonlit nights and ice cream cones. What actual girlfriend stands a chance?

It's not fantasy. It wasn't. I know this girl. We grew up together. We did homework together, we went to movies opening day, we shared a limo to the prom. I was even in her wedding.

Mary

Hey, what'd you mean before, you were in her wedding?

I was the man of honor.

Mary

Man of honor? That's not an oxymoron?

Marshall

Technically, no.

Mary

Hmm. Okay. It's a something-moron, though, I'm pretty sure.

Mary

Guy spends his whole life devoted to one woman who, P.S., married someone else. You know what we call that?

Marshall

Classically romantic?

Mary

Totally pathetic.

I'm with Marshall. Sounds like the best romantic comedy ever.

Marshall

Don't get her started on rom-coms!

Mary

Don't get me started on rom-coms! Talk about a waste of time. Hey, Harry! Hey, Sally! Opposites attract! We hate each other, but not really. Yeah, I get it. Just save me the two hours of 'I'll have what she's having' and fess up now so I can get one with my life and back to the grownups table.

It sounds like someone could use a trip from Mr. Cupid.

Marshall

Don't get her started on Cupid.

Mary

I hate that fat little Valentine's baby.

Mary

Six?! Six sessions?! I got abducted and I was back in four, and one of them was lunch!

Marshall

Shelly thinks it's related to how protective I am of the women in my life.

Mary

Whoa, whoa, whoa. She said that? [watches as Marshall nods] Oh, boy.

Marshall

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's that?

Mary

Come on, Marshall. All those dates you and Finkle went on?

Marshall

We had a date, it was coffee, and her ex called in the middle weeping, so technically.

Mary

She just got out of a messy breakup.

Marshall

Gordon. Delia is seriously dialed in.

Mary

And now she has you on the couch for wall to wall sessions and some not so subtle romantic recon. Wake up, pal! You're not a patient. You're her hostage.

Marshall

She does seem to focus on you and Abigail a lot.

Mary

Yeah, speaking of, how the hell's you go from slumber party pillow-talk to breaching the veil of WITSEC?

Marshall

Nobody breached the veil of WITSEC. Abigail is a detective, a good one. She detected. And, as I recall, you told Raph.

Mary

Yeah, and, as I recall, we were engaged. He was my fiance, not some JV cops-and-robbers play date.

Marshall

I didn't tell her.

Mary

Fine.

Marshall

Fine.

You're a WITSEC inspector. You can't arrest me.

Mary

I'm a member of the U.S. Marshall Service, the oldest branch of law enforcement this country's ever seen. I can arrest the president if it's warranted.

Marshall

So, come on, what do you think?

Mary

I think this is the beginning of the end of a beautiful friendship.

Marshall

Mary, I need you to know something.

Mary

What? What do you need me to know?

Marshall

You run around, passing notes back and forth, you got 'em in a room together, you got 'em into WITSEC together. You don't hate cupid. You are cupid.

Mary

And so it begins.

Marshall

And so what begins?

Mary

Extreme Makeover: The Marshall Mann edition. She zeroed in on what needs fixing, I'm telling you. Don't get me wrong, I like Abigail, I do.

Marshall

You hide it well.

Mary

But you know the type. She's a fixer. Trust me, aside from late night cramming for her SATs, that girl will not rest till she's completely changed you.

You know, you don't have to check on me 24/7.

Mary

What are you talking about? I'm not checking on you. I always hang out in the smoker's section with the cool kids.

This is where the cheerleaders sit.

Mary

Ah. That explains the hives.

Mary

Hey, how'd you meet Abigail?

Marshall

Good morning.

Mary

Just go with me here.

Marshall

At the Joint Task Force briefing.

Mary

Exactly. See? You just gave me the headline, not every single detail like Karl and Sharon did last night.

Marshall

You saying it was rehearsed?

Mary

I'm saying it's hinky.