Mary Shannon quotes from In Plain Sight

Mary

What's that?

Marshall

That would be a painting.

Mary

Oh, God, no. You're not going to try to drag me to another art show, are you? Last time I got cornered by some freak wearing a kilt with a tattoo inside his bottom lip that said "yeah." He showed it to me twice while I was eating!

Marshall

[smiles] No. This is about my witness, Patrick Hill. It might be nothing. How's Mia?

Mary

Level-headed, funny, smart, no trouble whatsoever. She's just— [sighs] I'm sorry I couldn't tell you.

Marshall

Your talent for keeping a confidence is one of your most admirable qualities. Along with the ability to shoot accurately while downing a Big Gulp. Could I help you find something?

Mary

Yeah. There was this witness a while back, a case where the guy was shot and died and they videoed his testimony.

Marshall

U.S. versus Carlton Marchai, first degree felony kidnapping. I'm sending you the link.

Mary

Oh, praise Jesus you have no life!

Marshall

You leaving early?

Mary

I thought I'd go check on Mia, see if she feels like hanging out tonight.

Marshall

Ah.

Mary

What? What's that mean?

Marshall

It implies understanding.

Mary

No, it implies you think you know something; something even I don't know. "Ah" is Marshall speak for arrogant.

Marshall

You like her.

Mary

I don't hate her.

Marshall

Which for you is tantamount to eternal fealty. Would you go so far as to say under different circumstances you might be, dare I say, friends?

Mary

What's your point?

Marshall

No matter what you do or feel for her, she's not going to be here long and that you can't change.

Mary

Yeah, well, what I can do is make it better. Thanks, sunshine.

Marshall

I know that you can make it better, just don't make it worse for yourself.

Mary

I love when you talk to me in greeting card.

Marshall

I'm serious, Mary. That's why you're so lucky to have me.

Mary

Where I'm smart, you're an idiot.

Marshall

Symbiosis personified.

Brandi

Scott invited me to come to his Gamblers Anonymous meeting. You want to come with?

Mary

No, I'm running late, and shoot me first.

Mary

Holy mother, what is that smell?!

Marshall

Homemade empanadas.

Mary

What kind?

Marshall

[protects the plate] Mine, that's what kind.

Mary

Why do you get the witnesses that cook you food, and I get the ones who can multiply very large numbers in their head?

Marshall

It is commonly referred to as karma.

Mary

[grabs an empanada from the plate] Tu empanadas es mi empanadas.

Marshall

Actually, it would be "tus empanadas son mis empanadas".

Mary

So, in high school, who didn't hate you?

Marshall

Actually, I was both well-liked and widely admired.

Marshall

The paperwork has your IQ at 142. That's a notch above that of the average itinerant. What's your story?

I read a biography of Paul Erdős when I was ten. It hooked me. [to Mary] Erdős was a homeless Hungarian mathemetician.

Marshall

Who never settled down. Just roamed the world...

Mary

Terrific. Dueling Marshall's.

Marshall

Helping people with their math problems. He did a lot of work in set theory.

Mary

Hey, look! A dime!

Mary

So, long lost mom is a Sherry Greer from Modesto, California.

Marshall

With her social it won't take long to track down where she is.

Mary

Oh, goody.

Marshall

It's possible a positive reunion with Walter's birth mother could heal his primal wound.

Mary

Don't say primal wound.

Marshall

That's what it's called.

Mary

Seriously, I'll give you a hundred dollars if you'll stop.

Marshall

That's what they call many adoptees suffer when taken from their mothers at birth.

Mary

So, what? He's homeless because he's adopted?

Marshall

Maybe unable to bond properly with his adopted family, yes.

Mary

No. I'm a firm believer in ignorant bliss, especially when it comes to family members taking off.

Marshall

Ah, a parallel. How could I have missed it?

Mary

All right, okay. Just don't be surprised when Walter's mom turns out to be something less than Carol Brady.

Marshall

Found her! Sherry's gone back to good, old Modesto. Hmm.

Mary

Hmm, what?

Marshall

She's on husband number four.

Mary

Happy now? Carol Brady's a slut!

Marshall

I'll bet I know what you're thinking. Do you want me to tell you?

Mary

Do I ever?

Marshall

Your father's out there somewhere. You know more than you ever have. We can at least try.

Mary

I don't want to try.

Marshall

Sorry, those words coming out of your mouth are disorienting. You don't want answers?

Mary

There's no happy ending to that story, John Boy. Not even the one in my head.

Mary

[to Stan, after he assigned Marshall to a case he didn't want] I'm taking Sabrina to Chicago to see her mother today. How am I supposed to revel in Marshall's misery from 1,000 miles away?

Marshall

Sorry to blow your weekend.

[to Sabrina] Who's the foxy Gen X-er, Breen? Your sister or your stepmom?

Mary

Too soon to tell. Her dad and I just started Facebook poking.

Mary

Okay, now I get to tell you where we're going. Chicago. Exciting, right? Cubs, Second City, deep-dish pizza.

I hate baseball, I don't know what that second thing is, and I'm lactose intolerant. So.

Mary

But we have your sunny disposition. So there's that...

Marshall

What are you doing here?

Mary

Well, Sabrina's mom screwed the pooch; showed up four hours late and cut the weekend short. So sad for them. So sweet for me. Free food; fights; food fights.

Marshall

You're actually hoping for violence.

Mary

I'm not hoping. Rooting.

Mary

[to a priest turned bartender] I'm just saying. Maybe all you've done is gone from offering counsel and absolution to offering counsel and Absolut.

Been sitting on that awhile?

Mary

Weeks.

Mary

I don't know, maybe I should just pick a bar, down some shots and do some cowboy.

Marshall

Uh huh.

Mary

What? What's uh huh?

Marshall

If you feel like you need to get something out of your system. If you need to go do some cowboy.

Mary

What?

Marshall

You've done the cowboy. And when you weren't doing the cowboy, you were the cowboy, like with Raph. You don't need to let off steam, what you need is I get that you don't like messy, but maybe messy is what you need. Maybe instead of just anyone you should be looking for someone. Someone who challenges you, who calls you on your BS and gets in your face and makes you think. [pauses] What?

Mary

What? I'm thinking.

Mary

I've got a going away present for the priest. I've got the gift of Gabe!

Marshall

Hilarious. You know, giving gifts to witnesses isn't really allowed.

Mary

Yeah. A) No kidding, B) Gabe opted out of WitSec, and C) What's it like for a pussycat to walk around in people clothes?

I should be going. I've got to work this weekend. My new parish needs me.

Mary

Of course they need you. A church in Vegas? God knows what those derelicts have been up to.

He does, indeed.

Mary

I don't like you opting out of WITSEC. A courtroom full of guilty doesn't make you safe. Even Flora knows that.

I'm glad she's coming into the program, but my mind's made up. I've got a new parish, a new city, one last name change. Only the calling's the same. To quote one of the all time great philosophers...

Mary

Please don't.

(imitating Popeye) "I am what I am."

Mary

(laughs) Amen to that. Hey, I got you a little something. Just something.

Whoa! Should I open it?

Mary

Uh, in the car. It's a sign. Not your kind. My kind. A sign. You can hang it on your wall.

Ah!

Mary

So...

Bless you, Mary.

Mary

Take a hike, Father. Oh! Hey, I owe you a punch line.

That you do. Let's hear it.

Mary

A priest, a stripper, and a cop walk into a bar. Bartender looks at them and says... "What is this? Some kind of joke?"