iCarly Season 1 quotes

I don't think we should

[pleased] Room 513.

That's 5-1-3! [holds up fingers for each number]

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[about Spencer] He's a terrible liar. One time we--

Don't tell the story!

I'm telling the story! One time we were going to ride roller-coasters on a school day, and when Spencer came to get me, he told Ms. Briggs he was taking me to the doctor. So Ms. Briggs says "Which one?" and Spencer said...

[meekly] Dr. Roller-coaster.

And guess what I didn't get to ride that day.

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[Carly arrives in the elevator wearing a silver dress]

Hey, do you think this dress is a little too..."saucy"?

It's a music video. You have to look hotter than you usually do.

Why, thank you.

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I don't wanna do this anymore.

We have to! His mom needs surgery, and if it weren't for us, he'd have a big record deal, and lots of money, and stop drooling over those girls!

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WCWade Collins

You are all a bunch of hob-knockers!

Hob-knockers?

WWade

I'm going downstairs to get some yah-gurt.

Yah-gurt?

Um, We're in the middle of shooting YOUR music video!

WWade

No, you're all busy worshiping that filthy little beast! [disgusted] Ugh! Why are all Americans such idiots?! [slams door]

I thought we were hob-knockers.

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[after Wade Collins' music video for "Cry Like a Lion" is shown; Freddie applauds respectfully]

Wow. You made Wade look awesome.

Good video, Fredison.

Thanks. It was hard to find shots of the guy not shouting at me and calling me an [British accent] untalented hobknocker!

What is a hobknocker? [Sam whispers the meaning of hobknocker into Carly's ear] [disgusted gasp] That's gross!

And illegal.

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So, David, what was it like hanging it out with Wade Collins?

DADavid Archuleta

Oh, you know, he's... okay.

You don't like him, do you?

Not really, no.

Let it out, David.

Well, he called me a hobknocker. I don't even know what that means.

[Carly whispers the meaning of hobknocker into David's ear]

[disgusted] Oh, gross!

And illegal.

The important thing is we all agree that Wade Collins is horrible.

But just in case you don't believe me, Carly, or David--

Please enjoy this little video Freddie put together. Freddie, roll the video.

Happy to, Carly.

WCWade Collins

[in a YouTube Poop-style video] I wanted tuna fish! [knocks the plate of ham sandwich out of Carly's hand, edited to do it three times]

Scene 2

[Wade hocks and spits onto the floor]

Scene 3

WCWade Collins

[screen is flashing all different colors] I've got a pimple in my ear.

Scene 4

WCWade Collins

[Gibby is blow-drying his hair] Too hot-hot-hot!

Gibby

I'm sorry! [Wade takes the hairdryer, aims it at Gibby, and blows it in his face, causing him to run off]

Scene 5

WCWade Collins

[screen flashes negative] You're a stupid American, Freddie. Stupid American.

Scene 6

[Wade spits again]

Scene 7

[Wade rudely sneezes on Gibby]

Scene 8

WCWade Collins

[walks by several music video-dressed girls] You're all a bunch of stupid, American, girls! You bunch of hobknockers!

Scene 9

WCWade Collins

[angrily screaming] I DON'T CARE ABOUT MUSIC! I WANT MONEY! [screen turns green, echoing "MONEY!"]

Scene 10

[Wade spits again]

Scene 11

WCWade Collins

[rudely screams at a homeless bystander outside] HOB-HOB-HOBKNOCKER!

Scene 12

WCWade Collins

[eating spaghetti] I have to look beautiful! Jibley!

Scene 13

[Wade growls at the camera]

Scene 14

WCWade Collins

I hate children, I hate teenagers, I hate animals, AND I HATE AMERICA!

[Video ends with a no sign superimposing itself over Wade's face]

Isn't he charming?

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I stopped wearing antibacterial underpants and I'm entitled to my opinion.

And it's my opinion that we're out of time anyway!

So 'till the next iCarly...

Stay in school!

Recycle!

Pour milk on your parents.

Hug a duck.

Eat a stick of butter.

And shampoo a squirrel.

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FFЯED

Hey it's FЯED. Look at my cabbage! Why can't it speak Spanish? Muchacho! Ohh! My stomach feels queasy. Shut up, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!!!!

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Will my phone ring in the next five seconds? [shakes the Magic Meatball]

MMMagic Meatball

The answer is no. [Sam laughs lightly]

[waits for 5 seconds; nothing happens] Spooky, huh?

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FFЯED

Hey, it's me. If you saw the last iCarly, then you heard Freddie Benson say he doesn't like my FЯED videos.

[on playback) 'Cause I don't think FЯED is all that funny.

FFЯED

Thank you for crushing my feelings. Now, I'm not gonna post any more FЯED videos. Ever, again. Internet, I click you goodbye. [displays "Goodbye From FЯED"]

[angrily] You see what you did? You killed FЯED! [hurts Freddie]

[screams in pain] I just gave my honest opinion!

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Why are you drinking ketchup?

My magic meatball told me to. I'm tired, I'm gonna go take a nap.

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[the camera switches to the school, Freddie looks at two girls who are angry at him and wearing I ❤️ FЯED shirts]

Oh. I see you girls are fans of FЯED. Heh. [the girls look at each other and push him down] Oh dear. Guys, guys would you- oh. Aah! Yeah, thank you. [FЯED fans pass by and boo and throw stuff at him]

FFFЯED fans

BOO!

Oh, come on, guys. It's not my fault! [more FЯED fans pass by and a boy throws a thing at his head] Oh! [shouts angrily] Alright, who threw this at my head?! Who threw this low fat fat cake at my head?! Huh?! [nobody answers] Well, I'm keeping it! Yah! [he walks to his locker and opens it while the Mathletes follow him. He looks at them and they are angry at him.] What's up guys?

KKyle

We just had an emergency meeting of the Mathletes.

Oh. Well, how come I wasn't invited?

SShawn

Cause you killed FЯED!

All I did was give my opinion!

SShawn

Well, your opinion stinks...

KKyle

[calms down Shawn] EASY, Shawn. [Shawn does calm down] I'm very sorry to say this, but the mathletes are subtracting you from the team.

What?! Come on, I'm our best long divider!

KKyle

Then you should be able to handle this long division...

SShawn

Between us and you!

[they walk away and Freddie sighs, however, Shawn comes back and pushes him down real hard on the floor]

Hey, Benson. This FЯED thing is getting way out of control!

Kids keep booing and throwing stuff at us. [Freddie looks at them while on the floor]

Sam GET UP! [he does] You just HAD to trash talk FЯED!

I didn't trash talk him!

It's not Freddie's fault, he just gave his opinion.

Yeah! And, anyway it's not like...

[two boys holding a spray paint run around and laugh making the kids confused]

[there is a red spray paint writing on the lockers that says "iCARLY KILLED FЯED!"]

(to Freddie) Uh-oh, check it out.

[they all walked to the lockers]

[angrily] Ugh! Why are they blaming our whole show?! It's all Freddie's fault!

Hey!

Well...

Well, it's way worse for me! I've been kicked out of everything except the junior bow and arrow club. [a fiery arrow hits a locker near him, and he takes a letter off of it] I'm out.

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[on playback] No, Freddie was just expressing his opinion!

SStu

Do you agree with Freddie's opinion?

Get out of here! [she slams the door on paparazzi]

This whole thing is getting insane.

Did you check and see if the FЯED guy answered your e-mail?

I check every 10 minutes! Why won't he write back?!

[angry] 'Cause he's a jerk!

You're the queen of the jerks!

Why pick on me?

Two reasons. Number one, I LOVE it. Number two, this whole fight between iCarly and FЯED is YOUR FAULT!

I just said I didn't think his videos were funny! He's the one who overreacted and started this whole brouhaha!

"Brouhaha"?

You can't say things like "Brouhaha", and not expect people to hit you. (her phone beeps) FЯED wrote back!

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[on the phone; angrily] Because, I just don't see what's funny about FЯED. Well, it's not my fault he quit! Hey, you don't have to call me names. Oh, yeah? Well, you're a bigger one!! (angrily hangs up)

Who was that?

My aunt Jennifer.

Who texted you?

Gibby. He wants us to check out some website called "neverwatchiCarly.com".

Well, that can't be good.

I know it can't be good! Freddie.

Already on it. neverwatchiCarly.com.

[while she, Sam, and Freddie check out neverwatchiCarly.com] Oh, man! Some guy started a whole website just to try to stop people from watching iCarly?

All 'cause you irritated FЯED! [hurts Freddie who screams in pain]

Okay, let's not panic. How many people have signed up to support him?

[refreshing the website] Um, a few hundred.

Okay, that's not so many. [Freddie does it again]

Wait, I just refreshed the page now it's up to 3,000.