Nero Claudius Drusus quotes from I, Claudius

I, Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus... this, that and the other, who was once, and not so long ago, better known to my friends and relatives as Claudius the Idiot, or That Fool Claudius, or Claudius the Stammerer, am now about to write the strange history of my life.

If Augustus ruled the world, Livia ruled Augustus.

They're trying to get rid of me. Yes, they're poisoning me, I know it. Must get it all down, quickly, before they finish me off. Haven't much time...

I wouldn't take Britain if I were you. There's nothing of value there and the people make very poor slaves.

[Dying words] Rome has a severe mother, and Gaius and Lucius a cruel stepmother.

[To Livia's empty chair] Poison is queen! Poison is queen!

[about Livia] We haven't even spoken for seven years. Did you know the last time she spoke to me was when Caligula burned the house down? Even then, all she said was, "If you haven't got a bucket, piss on it."

[sobbing] Rome, you are finished! Finished! You are despicable.

Senators, it is true that I am hard of hearing, but you will find it is not for want of listening. As for speaking, again, it's true I have an impediment. But isn't what a man says more important than how long he takes to say it? It's true again I have little experience of government. But, then, have you more? I at least have lived with the imperial family who has ruled this empire ever since you so spinelessly handed it over to us. I've observed it working more closely than any of you. Is your experience better than that? As for being half-witted: well, what can I say, except that I have survived to middle age with half my wits, while thousands have died with all of theirs intact. Evidently, quality of wits is more important than quantity. Senators, I shall do nothing unconstitutional. I shall appear at the next session of the senate, where you may confirm me in my position or not as you wish. But if it pleases you not to, explain your reasons to them [points to the Praetorians], not to me.

By dulling the blade of tyranny, I reconciled Rome to the monarchy.

Let all the poisons that lurk in the mud hatch out.

But what is said about us in our lives is not always what history says. And doubtless history will have its say, as it always does. And about that, I have done something. Oh, not something that need concern you, but something.

What a pretty thing a fire is!

A man should keep himself clean, not have slaves do it.

Tiberius

And how's he supposed to scrape his own back?

He gets his brother to do it.

Tiberius

If he hasn't got a brother?

He gets his son.

Tiberius

If he hasn't got a son?

Gets his friend.

Tiberius

And if he hasn't got a friend?

Then he should go and hang himself.

Tiberius

I've tried it. Better to have a slave scrape your back.

Herod

[to Claudius] Your family are all lunatics. You know that, don't you?

Well if you feel that way about them then why don't you go back and live with your own family in Judea?

Herod

Because I prefer the lunatics I know to the ones I don't!