[about Livia] We haven't even spoken for seven years. Did you know the last time she spoke to me was when Caligula burned the house down? Even then, all she said was, "If you haven't got a bucket, piss on it."
“Queen of Heaven”
In this episode: Nero Claudius Drusus (4), Livia (4), Herod Agrippa (2), Caligula (1)
[to Claudius] Your family are all lunatics. You know that, don't you?
Well if you feel that way about them then why don't you go back and live with your own family in Judea?
Because I prefer the lunatics I know to the ones I don't!
[to Castor] How's my sister? I gave a reading of my book while you were away. I invited her but she never came.
Well, that's because Livilla's tastes were never literary.
You never came either!
Ah, but that's because mine always were.
[realizing the jest] Herod, you're talented, but dull.
[about her horoscope] It's a present from Tiberius. Isn't that nice of him? Of course, what he really wanted to know is how much longer I'm going to live.
Why do you allow Caligula such familiarity?
Because it pleases him. And because he will be the next emperor of Rome. You don't believe me?
If you say so, grandmother. You know I don't concern myself with higher politics. Still, what about Castor? And Caligula has two older brothers.
Castor is ill and Thrasyllus says he won't recover. He also says Tiberius will choose Caligula to succeed him.
Why?
Vanity. Tiberius wants to be loved, at least after his death if not before. And the best way to ensure that-
Is to have someone worse to follow him, naturally. He's certainly no fool.
He's the biggest fool in my family. I had always thought that that was you... but I think now I was wrong.
I want to be a goddess, Claudius...
I hear you're dying, great-grandmother.
You won't forget your promise, will you?
To make you a goddess? And what makes you think that a filthy, smelly old woman like you could become a goddess? I don't need you anymore, you see, great-grandmother. My secret will die with you. You're going to stew in hell forever and ever. Let me tell you something: Thrasyllus has made another prophecy. He told Tiberius. He said, "One who is going to die soon will become the greatest god the world has ever known. No temples will be dedicated to anyone but him in the whole Roman world, not even to Augustus." Do you know who that one is? Me. Me. I shall become the greatest god of all. And I shall look down on you suffering all the torments of hell and I shall say, "Leave her there. Leave her there forever and ever and ever." [kisses her on the lips] Goodbye, great-grandmother.
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