Caligula quotes from I, Claudius

Caligula

[to Claudius] Go in peace. I was thinking about killing you, but I've changed my mind.

Caligula

[to an unruly crowd] If you only had one neck, I'd hack it through!

Antonia

That child is a monster!

Caligula

I'm not, you horrid old German woman! I'll burn your German house down!

Caligula

I hear you're dying, great-grandmother.

Livia

You won't forget your promise, will you?

Caligula

To make you a goddess? And what makes you think that a filthy, smelly old woman like you could become a goddess? I don't need you anymore, you see, great-grandmother. My secret will die with you. You're going to stew in hell forever and ever. Let me tell you something: Thrasyllus has made another prophecy. He told Tiberius. He said, "One who is going to die soon will become the greatest god the world has ever known. No temples will be dedicated to anyone but him in the whole Roman world, not even to Augustus." Do you know who that one is? Me. Me. I shall become the greatest god of all. And I shall look down on you suffering all the torments of hell and I shall say, "Leave her there. Leave her there forever and ever and ever." [kisses her on the lips] Goodbye, great-grandmother.

Tiberius

[about Macro] Do you know him personally?

Caligula

No, but I've slept with his wife several times.

Tiberius

And is deception with the wife regarded these days as a sound introduction to the husband?!

Tiberius

I shall make you my successor, Gaius Caligula! I’ve decided. You shall stay here with me. Rome deserves you. I will nurse you like a viper in her bosom.

Caligula

Is that a joke, uncle?

Tiberius

Not yet, but it will be.

Caligula

Do you think I'm mad?

Mad?

Caligula

Yes. Sometimes I think that I'm going mad. Do you — be honest with me — has that thought ever crossed your mind?

Never. Never. The idea is preposterous. You set the standard of sanity for the whole world.

Caligula

Your emperor is amongst you once again. All his wars successfully concluded, and the victorious armies brought back to Rome. He had thought, in his divine innocence, that the roads might be lined with cheering crowds. He had thought the streets might be strewn with flowers. He had thought there might be messengers to greet him telling him of triumphs to be awarded. And what did he find, this conqueror of the Germans, this victor over the mighty Neptune? The streets empty of crowds and flowers, no triumphs awarded, no games, no celebrations... [furious] but three miserable old ex-consuls waiting at the gates to greet him, and a room full of cowardly stay-at-home senators who spent all their time in the theatre and at the baths, while he has spent six months living no better than a private soldier! Yes, your emperor has returned... [draws his sword and raises it threateningly] ... but with this in his hand!

[hesitant] But Jove, you ordered no triumphs.

Caligula

Well, of course I ordered no triumphs! Do you think I'd order triumphs for myself?!

But you ordered us not to order any.

Caligula

Yes, and you took me at my word, didn't you? Typical! It didn't occur to you that I might be leaving it up to you for your love to show itself freely? It didn't occur to you that it might be my natural humility speaking? "I ordered you not to celebrate." But you ordered celebrations for the anniversary of Actium, didn't you? Didn't forget to celebrate the defeat of my great-grandfather Mark Antony! How many bottles of wine did you open, toasting his murder while I was doing battle with the sea? [to Praetorians] Show them our booty! Show them the plunder we gathered from old Neptune!

Seashells?

Caligula

Yes, spoils of the sea. Loot from old Neptune. [laughs] He won't take me on again in a hurry!

Jove, while you were away, we built a new temple to you on Palatine Hill.

Caligula

That won't save you! Down on you knees, all of you! Bend your heads! I shall sever each one at the neck!

Merciful god! Would you spoil the great day of your return with the spilling of blood? When they come to write the history of this memorable day, should they have to mix it with the murder of these fools?

[cautiously] Claudius is right, my lord, my husband. Think of your little daughter. One day, when she is older, she will read the account of your return. Must these fools intrude on such a glorious page in history?

Caligula

Your soft words have appeased my wrath. As we know, prayer has softened the hearts of gods. [to the senators] You may go. I shall inspect the temple in the morning.

To tell the truth, lord, nature calls. It must have been something I ate last night...

Caligula

Don't look at me. If I decide to doctor your food, you won't have to wait until morning to find out!