Augustus quotes from I, Claudius

Augustus

The Senate today have voted to make me a god in Palmyra. They'll put a little statue to me in the temple, and people will bring offerings to me, asking me to bring rain or cure their father's gout. Tell me, Livia: if I'm a god, even in Palmyra, how do I cure gout?!

Augustus

(furious) Is there anyone in Rome who has not slept with my daughter?!

Augustus

Quintillius Varus, where are my eagles?

Augustus

Wonderful. Wonderful. What a gift you Greeks have. Incidentally, the battle wasn't like that.

No?

Augustus

No, not at all. But you described it poetically. I understand that. It was poetic licence. I'm used to that. I write a little poetry myself.

Augustus

Wait till you see what Marcellus has in store for us. He's got a rhinoceros.

Livia

What on earth is that?

Augustus

A remarkable creature. It has a horn on its nose.

Livia

So has Scipio's wife. He should have used her.

Livia

It's a hard thing to see a child banished, especially when you know the banishment is unjust. Yes, you must let my son come home. Can't you see what has been clear to me for so long, that it was Julia's wickedness that drove him away?

Augustus

I'll never bring him back. Never. He drove her to it. She would never have gone down that road if it wasn't for his wickedness. He can stay there and rot!

Augustus

Herod, what about a little bet? I'll take the fat one for twenty gold pieces.

Herod

Caesar, it would be against my religion to bet on the life of a man.

Augustus

Oh, really? I would have thought it against your religion to bet on anything.

Herod

Caesar, it's true: Jews love gambling. But we fear our god more.

Augustus

Which one?

Herod

We have only one, Caesar.

Augustus

I've never understood that, it's quite insufficient. Why don't you take some of our gods? You know, plenty of people do.

Herod

Believe me, Caesar, the one we have is hard enough to live with.

Livia

[to Augustus pruning a plant] If you prune any more of that there'll be nothing left.

Augustus

What are you now, an expert on gardening? Is that something else you've become lately?

Livia

I'm only telling you. The gardners all complained you spoiled them last year.

Augustus

And whose garden is this?

Livia

You're not the only one who uses it!

Augustus

How long have we been married?

Livia

Don't you remember?

Augustus

Fifty years, and in all that time you've never been able to tell one plant from another. And now, suddenly, you know all there is to know about pruning. Wonderful!

Livia

I think your brain's going soft, you know that? Nobody can talk to you any more.

Augustus

Anyone can talk to me at any time, except you. You don't talk to people. You bully them.

Livia

This conversation is becoming ridiculous.

Augustus

Wrong, this conversation was ridiculous from the start.