I, Claudius quotes

I, Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus... this, that and the other, who was once, and not so long ago, better known to my friends and relatives as Claudius the Idiot, or That Fool Claudius, or Claudius the Stammerer, am now about to write the strange history of my life.

What a voice. Perhaps we should change places? Only the Romans can afford ushers with a voice like that. Did you have it trained?

That explains it. Resting, are you?

And what there is goes to friends... It's the same everywhere.

No. And I'll tell you something else. It never was what it was.

If Augustus ruled the world, Livia ruled Augustus.

Augustus

Wonderful. Wonderful. What a gift you Greeks have. Incidentally, the battle wasn't like that.

No?

Augustus

No, not at all. But you described it poetically. I understand that. It was poetic licence. I'm used to that. I write a little poetry myself.

Tiberius

Mother, I'm a happily married man. Julia doesn't interest me. She wouldn't interest me if you hung her naked from the ceiling above my bed.

Livia

She might even do that if I asked her!

Tiberius

Aren't you forgetting something? She's still married to Marcellus, and Marcellus is not dead yet.

Livia

When I start to forget things, you may light my funeral pyre and put me on it, dead or alive.

Livia

Better to call him now when you don't need him that when you do.

I'm getting a little tired of being taught the arts of war by kids that have only just learned how to piss in a pot.

Augustus

Wait till you see what Marcellus has in store for us. He's got a rhinoceros.

Livia

What on earth is that?

Augustus

A remarkable creature. It has a horn on its nose.

Livia

So has Scipio's wife. He should have used her.

Tiberius

Anyway, where does all this get us? There's not only Marcellus, there's Agrippa too. And Augustus prefers both of them to me.

[screams off stage] No! No!

Tiberius

Ye gods, what's that?

Livia

It sounds as though there is now only Agrippa.

They're trying to get rid of me. Yes, they're poisoning me, I know it. Must get it all down, quickly, before they finish me off. Haven't much time...

Antonia

It's not fair to accuse Livia of things without any proof.

Why shouldn't I? She accuses me of all kinds of things without proof.

Antonia

Make sure she doesn't get any, then.

Tiberius

[about Livia] They say a snake bit her once... and died.

A man should keep himself clean, not have slaves do it.

Tiberius

And how's he supposed to scrape his own back?

He gets his brother to do it.

Tiberius

If he hasn't got a brother?

He gets his son.

Tiberius

If he hasn't got a son?

Gets his friend.

Tiberius

And if he hasn't got a friend?

Then he should go and hang himself.

Tiberius

I've tried it. Better to have a slave scrape your back.

I wouldn't take Britain if I were you. There's nothing of value there and the people make very poor slaves.

Augustus

The Senate today have voted to make me a god in Palmyra. They'll put a little statue to me in the temple, and people will bring offerings to me, asking me to bring rain or cure their father's gout. Tell me, Livia: if I'm a god, even in Palmyra, how do I cure gout?!