I, Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus... this, that and the other, who was once, and not so long ago, better known to my friends and relatives as Claudius the Idiot, or That Fool Claudius, or Claudius the Stammerer, am now about to write the strange history of my life.
“A Touch of Murder”
In this episode: Livia (4), Nero Claudius Drusus (3), Tiberius (2), Augustus (2), Julia the Elder (1)
AAristarchus
What a voice. Perhaps we should change places? Only the Romans can afford ushers with a voice like that. Did you have it trained?
Thallus I was an actor, sir.
AAristarchus
That explains it. Resting, are you?
Thallus No, sir. I've given it up... Everyone's an actor in Rome. There isn't enough work.
AAristarchus
And what there is goes to friends... It's the same everywhere.
Thallus The theatre isn't what it was.
AAristarchus
No. And I'll tell you something else. It never was what it was.
If Augustus ruled the world, Livia ruled Augustus.
Wonderful. Wonderful. What a gift you Greeks have. Incidentally, the battle wasn't like that.
AAristarchus
No?
No, not at all. But you described it poetically. I understand that. It was poetic licence. I'm used to that. I write a little poetry myself.
Mother, I'm a happily married man. Julia doesn't interest me. She wouldn't interest me if you hung her naked from the ceiling above my bed.
She might even do that if I asked her!
Aren't you forgetting something? She's still married to Marcellus, and Marcellus is not dead yet.
When I start to forget things, you may light my funeral pyre and put me on it, dead or alive.
Better to call him now when you don't need him that when you do.
MAMarcus Agrippa
I'm getting a little tired of being taught the arts of war by kids that have only just learned how to piss in a pot.
Wait till you see what Marcellus has in store for us. He's got a rhinoceros.
What on earth is that?
A remarkable creature. It has a horn on its nose.
So has Scipio's wife. He should have used her.
Anyway, where does all this get us? There's not only Marcellus, there's Agrippa too. And Augustus prefers both of them to me.
[screams off stage] No! No!
Ye gods, what's that?
It sounds as though there is now only Agrippa.
They're trying to get rid of me. Yes, they're poisoning me, I know it. Must get it all down, quickly, before they finish me off. Haven't much time...
These quotes come from Wikiquote's I, Claudius pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.