Herod Agrippa quotes from I, Claudius

Augustus

Herod, what about a little bet? I'll take the fat one for twenty gold pieces.

Herod

Caesar, it would be against my religion to bet on the life of a man.

Augustus

Oh, really? I would have thought it against your religion to bet on anything.

Herod

Caesar, it's true: Jews love gambling. But we fear our god more.

Augustus

Which one?

Herod

We have only one, Caesar.

Augustus

I've never understood that, it's quite insufficient. Why don't you take some of our gods? You know, plenty of people do.

Herod

Believe me, Caesar, the one we have is hard enough to live with.

Herod

[to Claudius] Your family are all lunatics. You know that, don't you?

Well if you feel that way about them then why don't you go back and live with your own family in Judea?

Herod

Because I prefer the lunatics I know to the ones I don't!

[to Castor] How's my sister? I gave a reading of my book while you were away. I invited her but she never came.

Herod

Well, that's because Livilla's tastes were never literary.

You never came either!

Herod

Ah, but that's because mine always were.

[realizing the jest] Herod, you're talented, but dull.

Gentlemen, posterity will envy us!

Herod

(under his breath) Posterity will call you an ass, you idiot.

What's the matter with us, Herod? These are the children of my noble brother Germanicus. How could it happen?

Herod

Well, you know what they say about the tree of the Claudians: it bears two kinds of fruit: the sweet and the bad.

Well, they've certainly had a terrifying crop this season.