Livia quotes from I, Claudius

Livia

Better to call him now when you don't need him that when you do.

Livia

[about Claudius] That child should have been exposed at birth.

Livia

[to the gladiators] I want a good show. I want my money's worth! I don't want any kiss-in-the-ring stuff, and I don't want my family watching two grown men pussyfooting around each other for half an hour before one of them aims a real blow. There's been too much of that in the past. And don't think you can fool me either, because I know every trick in the book, including the pig's blood in the bladder to make it look as if one of you is dead. There's been too much of that too lately. These games are being degraded by the increasing use of professional tricks to stay alive! And I won't have it! So put on a good show, and there'll be plenty of money for the living and a decent burial for the dead. And if not, I'll break this guild up and I'll send the lot of you to the mines in Numidia.

Livia

[to Claudius, concerning the Senate] They won't allow me in because I am a woman, and they won't allow you in because you're a fool. That's strange when you come to think of it: because it's filled with nothing but old women and fools.

Livia

[about her horoscope] It's a present from Tiberius. Isn't that nice of him? Of course, what he really wanted to know is how much longer I'm going to live.

Livia

I want to be a goddess, Claudius...

Tiberius

Mother, I'm a happily married man. Julia doesn't interest me. She wouldn't interest me if you hung her naked from the ceiling above my bed.

Livia

She might even do that if I asked her!

Tiberius

Aren't you forgetting something? She's still married to Marcellus, and Marcellus is not dead yet.

Livia

When I start to forget things, you may light my funeral pyre and put me on it, dead or alive.

Augustus

Wait till you see what Marcellus has in store for us. He's got a rhinoceros.

Livia

What on earth is that?

Augustus

A remarkable creature. It has a horn on its nose.

Livia

So has Scipio's wife. He should have used her.

Tiberius

Anyway, where does all this get us? There's not only Marcellus, there's Agrippa too. And Augustus prefers both of them to me.

[screams off stage] No! No!

Tiberius

Ye gods, what's that?

Livia

It sounds as though there is now only Agrippa.

Livia

It's a hard thing to see a child banished, especially when you know the banishment is unjust. Yes, you must let my son come home. Can't you see what has been clear to me for so long, that it was Julia's wickedness that drove him away?

Augustus

I'll never bring him back. Never. He drove her to it. She would never have gone down that road if it wasn't for his wickedness. He can stay there and rot!

Livia

[to Augustus pruning a plant] If you prune any more of that there'll be nothing left.

Augustus

What are you now, an expert on gardening? Is that something else you've become lately?

Livia

I'm only telling you. The gardners all complained you spoiled them last year.

Augustus

And whose garden is this?

Livia

You're not the only one who uses it!

Augustus

How long have we been married?

Livia

Don't you remember?

Augustus

Fifty years, and in all that time you've never been able to tell one plant from another. And now, suddenly, you know all there is to know about pruning. Wonderful!

Livia

I think your brain's going soft, you know that? Nobody can talk to you any more.

Augustus

Anyone can talk to me at any time, except you. You don't talk to people. You bully them.

Livia

This conversation is becoming ridiculous.

Augustus

Wrong, this conversation was ridiculous from the start.

Sejanus

[about Germanicus] Well, if he's profoundly loved he's also profoundly dead. There's nothing wrong with loving the dead. Everybody's loved when he's dead.

Livia

I wouldn't count on that if I were you.

Sejanus

[about Germanicus' friends' charge of murder] They have no proof.

Livia

No, but I dare say they could tell a pretty tale.

Sejanus

A pretty tale isn't proof.

Livia

That's a different song than the one you've been singing for the last five years. You've buried more people with your pretty tales than anyone I know.

Tiberius

Has it ever occurred to you, mother, that it's you they hate and not me?

Livia

There is nothing in this world that occurs to you that does not occur to me first. That is the affliction I live with.

But how will I convince my husband to commit suicide?

Livia

Think of something. Appeal to his sense of honour; men find that irresistible.