How I Met Your Mother quotes

324 total quotes

Lily: I don't think now is the right time to buy.
Marshall: But we're not doing this for now; we're doing this for our future. Can't you imagine starting a family here?
[Lily imagines painting with her two daughters.]
Lily: Oh, Persephone, oh Daphne, these will make great additions to our up-and-coming mother-daughter exhibit at the Met.
Marshall: [enters in a turtleneck, carrying a dog and crêpes au chocolat] Looks great, girls. Who wants crêpes au chocolat?
Lily, Persephone, & Daphne: Merci, Papa!

Lily: We're not gonna date them, we're just gonna be friends with them.
Barney: That's the couple's version of dating.
Robin: And you've got the couples version of the hots for them. You wanna have brunch with them, you wanna go to Pottery Barn with them, you wanna go antiquing with them, don't you? Oh, yeah, you wanna antique the crap out of them.

Marshall: [looking for his password] Jelly beans, fluffernutter, Gummi bears, ginger snaps- this is a grocery list.
Robin: For who, a witch building a house in the forest?
Marshall: Sugar helps me study.
Barney: This is the kind of shopping a ten-year-old does when he's alone for the weekend.
Lily: Who leaves a ten-year-old alone for the weekend?
Barney: [Sarcastically] Oh, and your mom was perfect.

Marshall: Okay, new scenario: We're caught in a car crash, you die, I'm left paralyzed. Two sexy nurses come in with a 6-pack of wine coolers. I try to blink at them in Morse code. [bats eyes] Please... no... I love my dead wife. But they're medical professionals and I have to assume they're saving my life.
Lily: Fine, sleep with your nurses. Tonight you ride the unicycle.
Marshall: [Muttering] Already did this morning.

Marshall: Ted, how many times have I told you to put the lid back on the peanut butter jar?! It's this inconsiderate, immature jackassery that makes me feel like I'm living in The Real World House! And not the early days when they all had jobs and social consciences, I'm talking about Hawaii, and after! I can't take it anymore! Ted, Lily and I are married now! It's time! We're getting our own place!
Lily:... Actually, I left the lid off, sorry, baby.

Robin: Quick announcement: I am glad you are here, fellow travelers. A couple rules. Ah, not rules, let's call them "Guidelines for Harmonious Living". Guideline for Harmonious Living #1: The kitchen sink is for dishes, the toilet is for pee-pee. GFHL #2: Marijuana is illegal in the United States, yes, even when baked into a blueberry muffin, that someone might mistakenly eat for breakfast, before leaving for their job as a TV newscaster. "This just in, look at my hand, how weird is my hand?" is not an appropriate thing to say on the air. And #3-
[everyone cheers]
Robin: AND #3 IS KEEP THE NOISE TO A MINIMUM! I have to take a nap. I'm still pretty baked.

Robin: What's my "but"? You know, I'm really nice, but...
Ted [voiceover]: But she's afraid of commitment.
Lily [voiceover]: But she's a gun nut.
Barney [voiceover]: But she's... Canadian.
Marshall [voiceover]: But she doesn't like Field of Dreams.
All: I can't think of anything.

Stella: Ah the butterfly tramp stamp, my bread and butter. So I'm guessing that the real story involves a bad break up and some booze, unless it's a gang tattoo, in which case I thinks time to find a new gang.
Ted: Ah no, I just thought it would be cool to get a caterpillar tattoo, then a few weeks went by, and all of a sudden...
Stella: Well, I think I can remove it in ten one-hour sessions, but I should warn you, laser surgery's very painful.
Ted: Well, I think I you'll find that I have a very high tolerance for pain. Just last night I sat through the worst movie ever made.
Stella: Oh, Plan 9 from Outer Space?
Ted: No...the Worst Movie, Manos Hands of Fate.

Stella: So, my sister broke up with her boyfriend.
Ted: Well, now I can finally say it: I hated that guy! Everything out of his mouth is 'I'm a vegan!', 'Fish feel pain!', 'I'm never constipated!'. That guy's an idiot.
Stella: Actually, she's marrying him. I just wanted your honest opinion.
Ted: He's actually a really nice guy. There's a wisdom...

Ted: [Flashes his butterfly tattoo.] Say goodbye, kids, 'cause it won't be around much longer.
Lily: Oh, but Ted, if you get rid of the butterfly how's everyone gonna know you're a stripper from Reno with daddy issues?

Ted: Gee, is that ice cream cone big enough?
Robin: Uhhh, it's delicious enough.

Ted: How many days are there in October?
Barney: Ah, thirty?
Ted: Dude, I thought we cleared this up last year.
[flashback to last year]
Barney: [as Borat] I like Halloween very much. Is nice! [flashes thumbs-up]
Ted: [in a Borat-style accent] Is also tomorrow.
Barney: Damn it!

Ted: I wound up shame-eating the whole pizza. I woke up all greasy and sweaty. My sheets looked like what they wrap Deli sandwiches in. Maybe I should join a gym. Do you go to a gym?
Barney: Well, I go to Total Rip Fitness. But I don't work out there.
Ted: What do you do?
Barney: I invest.

Ted: So I just got off the phone with Kathy. God, you guys are so right. I totally hear it now. ...See it now? ...Smell it? What is it? I left the table for two minutes. What could she possibly have done in that time that was so horrible? Was it -
[flashback to restaurant]
Ted: I'll be back in one second.
Kathy: One time, in tenth grade, as a joke, I told everyone that my English teacher had sex with me. He's still in jail.
Ted: Or maybe...
[flashback to restaurant]
Ted: I'll be back in a second.
Kathy: So I volunteered at the pound.
Lily: Oh isn't that nice!
Kathy: You can't imagine the rush you get from killing an unwanted puppy. I make bracelets out of the collars. [shows her bracelet]
Ted: Or...
[flashback to restaurant]
Ted: I'll be back in one second.
Kathy: I bet he's going to the urinal. Yeah, I remember when I had a penis.
[Barney spits out his water]

Ted: What? We agreed! I suited up!
Barney: You take too long to get ready.
Ted: What are you talking about? I got the low-maintenance, just-rolled-out-of-bed look.
Marshall: Which takes about an hour and a half of waxing, tugging and teasing to achieve.
Barney: And then he starts on his hair. Ace!