[Barney enters MacLaren's, then suddenly]
Bar Crowd: SWARLEY!!! [Carl the bartender plays Where Everybody Knows Your Name]

[Barney is taking Ted's father to MacLaren's]
Ted's mother: I'd join you, too, but I want to get up early for mass tomorrow.
Barney: St. Peter's, 8:45 AM. It's my favorite service.
Ted: Wait a minute. You're able to cross the threshold of a church?

[Barney wants to know the identity of his father]
Young Barney: Mom, who's my dad? A lot of kids at school know who their dad is. Who's mine?
Barney's Mom: Oh, I don't know. That guy. [points to TV set showing a broadcast of The Price Is Right]

[Barney's in the hospital after trying to sexually satisfy Marshall's law professor]
Professor Lewis: Mr Eriksen, hello. I graded your paper tonight. I was...[looks at Barney] pleasantly surprised.
Barney: [smugly] Yeah she was.
Lewis: [to Marshall, before leaving] B-plus.
Barney: B-plus?!? Marshall, after I've gone though my eight weeks of physical therapy, I'm going to get you that A!
Marshall: Let her go. She belongs out there...in the wild. You should be proud. You fought the cougar and lived.

[Barney's talking on phone to Ted in a deep voice]
Ted: Barney...
Barney: This isn't Barney. ...but I hear that guy's awesome. All right. Listen very carefully. You will get your stuff back if you are able to complete a series of challenges. Number one, put on the suit. Number two, meet me at MacLaren's in an hour.
Ted: How will I know who to look for since we've never met?
[Awkward pause]
Barney: ...I look like Barney.

[Flashback of Barney talking to Lily in San Francisco]
Barney: Yeah, yeah, yeah... Barney what are you doing here...I can't believe it's really you...Come in, have a seat...You want some tea...I know the apartment's small but I don't need much space... let me show you some of my paintings...I think it's some of my best work ever. JUST STOP IT! Lily, you have to come home. You and Marshall belong together. The two of you have something most people search their whole lives for and never find. I know you love him and if you knew what he was going through right now you wouldn't be here for one more second. I bought you a ticket home. Marshall is one of the best people I know and it won't be long until someone else realizes that and you will lose him forever. I can't stand the thought of that happening and I cannot keep stealing chicks from him forever. Never ever tell anyone I was here, I will deny it tooth and nail; this trip never happened. [Barney slams the door behind him, but opens it again] Hey, if you had three hours to kill before your flight, what would you do... Alcatraz or Fisherman's Wharf?

[Flashback.]
Ted: I'm sorry, but i'm not apologizing! Look-I was just trying to put the guy back together. You smashed him to pieces!
Lily: Are you seriously not going to apologize for leaving that message?!
Ted: NO!
Lily: Why not?!
Ted: BECAUSE, Lily, this summer you were KIND OF A GRINCH!
Robin and Barney [present]: Oooooooohhhhhhh.
Lily [flashback]: [coldly] You'll be sorry, Ted Mosby.
[Present, at MacLaren's.]
Barney: Ted Vivian Mosby!
Ted: That's not my middle name.
Barney: You kiss your mother with that mouth?!
Ted: Like you've never said that word.
Barney: I don't kiss your mother with my mouth. Yet...
[Barney sneezes]
Ted: Are you sick?
Barney: Is it sick to find maturity and experience sexy?
Ted: No, I meant do you have a cold?
Barney: I'm fine. [blows his nose; Ted and Robin look at him] I'm fine. My nose is just overflowing with awesome and I had to get some of it out. If you'll excuse me, holiday is the time when people are lonely and desperate. It's the most wonderful time of the year.

[Lily is panicking because the Fiero's brakes are too strong, the inertia splattered their takeout food all over the interior.]
Robin: Shut up! Now listen to me. The clock is ticking. Okay, first thing: we scoop up all these little pieces of tofu and cabbage. Next, what we need to take care of are the messy parts; the pools that have collected. We gotta soak that soup up. Last...is the smell. We gotta cover up that Tam Kuk Gai. You mentioned cigars?
Lily: There's two in the glove compartment, but he's been saving...
Robin: Hand me those chopsticks.
[5 minutes later, Robin and Lily are smoking cigars]
Robin: Mmm, hey, how 'bout some tunes? [500 Miles by The Proclaimers starts playing] Ohh, great song!
[Lily shudders]
Lily: These cigars aren't helping at all.
Robin: [grinning] Yeah, this was a terrible idea.
Lily: Uggh, now it just smells like a...homeless guy threw up in here.
[Robin stares at her in amazement; Lily looks back at her. They have their alibi.]
[flash to present]
Marshall: The broken windows?
Lily: We had to make it look realistic!
Marshall: Well why did you break two of them?
Robin: Uhhh...it looked like fun when she did it so I wanted to try.
Marshall: I can't believe this whole time it was you guys; I've been blaming Really Tan Dancing Leotard guy.

[Marshall and Lily castigate Barney for describing his first time to have sex with a girl, which seems familiar to Lily]
Lily: That's Dirty Dancing!
Ted: It was on last night.
Marshall: No, it was two nights ago. "She's Like the Wind" has been stuck in my brain for about 40 hours. I just got it out; now it's back in. Damn you, Swayze!

[Marshall and Lily talk about Lily's program in San Francisco]
Marshall: So that's it? We're breaking up?
Lily: Marshall, I'm sorry. I just, I just need to go to San Francisco and do this art program and-and figure out who I am outside of us, and the only way I can do that is if...if we don't talk for a while.
Marshall: For a while. Try never, okay? You walk out of that door, and we're done. You're never going to hear my voice again! [segue to Marshall talking to Ted] I should call her.
Ted: No, no, if you call her when she asks you not to, you're just gonna look weak and you're gonna regret it. Whenever you feel like calling her, you come find me first... and I will punch you in the face.
Marshall: You're a good friend, Ted.

[Robin complains about Marshall's depression after Lily leaves him.]
Robin: This has to stop! Ted, we just started dating. We agreed we don't want to move too fast, and somehow, we have a baby. He can't feed himself, he cries a lot, he keeps us up all night.
Barney: Have you tried breast feeding? Nailed it!

[Robin sees Ted's ex-girlfriends in the things he owns on the living room]
Jeannie Radford, Phone Booth Girl: I'm Ted's college girlfriend. He made me 12 mix tapes. How many has he made you?
Allison Moses, Lamp Girl: He calls you a sweetie pie? He called me a sweetie pie.
Lauren Stein, Throw Pillow Girl: I'm stupid, but my rack is bigger than yours!

[Ted and Marshall are stuck in the snow after Marshall admits he wants to marry Lily someday.]
Ted: [to Marshall, who's cuddling with him to remain warm] Marshall, are you still thinking about Lily?
Marshall: Yeah.
Ted: Please stop!

[The gang watches 'Let's Go to the Mall']
Lily: This is the most amazing thing I have ever seen!!
Marshall: That's YOU?
Robin: Yes. I had one minor hit. I had to go all over Canada and sing this song in malls. For a whole year I lived off of Orange Juliuses and Wetzel's Pretzels.
Lily: So, just to be clear...you want us to go to the mall...today?