Melissa Robbins quotes from Home Movies

Melissa

[as a lumberjack] I'm going to chop you down, tree.

Brendon

[as a tree] Well, okay, but, um, don't, um, because what about the environment?

Jason

[as a skunk, moves from behind Brendon] Hello, I'm a skunk.

Brendon

Hello.

Melissa

Hello.

Jason

Hey, um, I mean, don't chop down the forest.

Melissa

Okay, I won't chop down the forest, just this tree.

Brendon

But I'm a tree, and I'm a house for birds and chipmunks and cats and dogs. And I can be useful for people, too. I can be made into wood...

Jason

Oh, man. Chop it down.

Melissa

I'm with you skunk.

Brendon

Hey, you guys suck.

Jason

Lumberjack.

Melissa

Yep?

Jason

Pass me that ax.

Brendon

[bleeding maple syrup] Aaaah! It hurts!

Melissa

You can't shut this one up.

Jason

Hope you learned your lesson, tree.

It's time to pay the price.

Jason

Well, we've done a lot of bad things, right, guys?

Melissa

Yes, we have. Yes, we have.

Brendon

And now we're here in jail.

Melissa

Yes, we are. We're here being punished.

Jason

And we hate it. But what can we do? We did wrong.

Brendon

We can't do anything. Justice has been done. It's time to...[mumbling] pop it pop...

Melissa

Yeah.

Jason

You speak the truth, my brother. It is time to...

Melissa

Time for that.

Jason

Yes, time to...

Pay the...

Jason

What time is it, actually?

Brendon

It's 2:30.

Jason

Yeah, I got to go home.

Brendon

Okay, fade to black. The End. Well, we tried.

Coach McGuirk

Oh my god it's death!

Melissa

Coach it's me Melissa.

Coach McGuirk

Oh my god it's Melissa!

Melissa

This is my costume.

Coach McGuirk

Hey you know Melissa you shouldn't be walking around the hospital dressed as death.

McGuirk

Alright, look! Here's what i need. Food. Fast food, preferrably. Beer. Light Beer. Preferrably.

Brendon

Alright, Melissa, do you mind fake writing this down?

Melissa

Yeah.

Brendon

OK. Go ahead!

McGuirk

I need a satellite map of this entire area

Brendon

OK. Melissa write it down

Melissa

Got it.

McGuirk

I need some hair dye, a fake moustache, i need gunpowder..

Melissa

Coach, Would you settle for some marshmellows?

McGuirk

Oh you got marshmellows?

Melissa

We can get you some marshmellows.

McGuirk

Yeah! Ill take 'em. Hey!, lets make smores! You got graham crackers?

Melissa

No.

McGuirk

Sh*t.

Melissa

Okay good and action!

Jason

Wait. Let me get back in the shot.

Melissa

Sorry about that.

Jason

Okay and action!

Melissa

Wait. Cut, let me get rid of my gum. [throws her gum away] Action!

Fenton

Hey, I'm thirsty.

Melissa

Cut! Jason, could you get him something?

Fenton

Thank you. Jason.

Jason

No, Melissa you get him something.

Melissa

Jason, I asked you to get him something.

Jason

Well I'm telling you, you get...

Fenton

Someone get me a soda, please.

Jason

Right. Melissa go get him a soda.

Melissa

You get him a soda.

Jason

I'm not gonna.

Fenton

Please! Stop fighting and just get me a soda.

Melissa

You know, lets forget the soda and action!

Fenton

Oh, let's not forget the soda and get it!

Melissa

Get him soda.

Jason

You said action.

Fenton

Listen to my [making sounds with his tongue] drying mouth. [making sounds with his tongue]

Melissa

(sigh)

Jason

Naturally, our director is extremely busy. I'm sure-

Melissa

[on a telephone] I don't think he's coming.

Jason

Scurrying around the city finding new locations.

Melissa

[on a telephone] He's not coming!

Jason

Melissa, please.

Melissa

[hangs up the telephone] Our stupid director isn't coming.

Jason

Melissa, you're blowing the deal.

Melissa

Why me? It's stupid Brendon.

Jason

All right, I agree, he's stupid! You know something, this is stupid! [knocks a calculator off the table]

Melissa

Jason, you're blowing the deal!

Jason

No, I'm not, it's Brendon, Melissa!

Melissa

You're the one who dropped the baby.

Jason

So, it's a fat baby! How was I suppose to hold it? You try picking it up, Melissa!

Melissa

I'm not picking up fat babies, Jason.

Jason

What's the matter, Melissa, chicken to pick up a fat baby?! There it is, pick him up!

Melissa

That's it, I'm leaving!

Jason

Good-bye! [Melissa leaves, to investors.] I am so sorry for what you just witnessed. But I'd like to talk to you two about back end points.

Melissa

Brendon, is your grandfather really dying?

Brendon

We're all dying, Melissa.

Melissa

That's insane you don't have any poof.

Brendon

Poof?

Melissa

Proof!

Jason

So are there any questions or comments?

Junior

Well, that was not so great, but it was better than that fairy princess bull-shit.

Melissa

Hey!

Fenton

Um, that's not a twist, it's just stupid.

Jason

Save it for the comment card Fenton.

Fenton

I'm sorry, but it was bad.

Brendon

Fenton, we know you have opinions, but if you could keep them to yourself that would be great.

Fenton

Well, what's the point of having a screening if we don't keep our opinions to ourselves. You just don't want to hear criticism that it was bad.

Walter

I have an idea! What if in the end me and Perry...

Perry

Uh huh.

Walter

Walk up to the front of the camera...

Perry

I like it, I like it.

Walter

And dance like this.

I'm sick of findin' myself on the road. It's been takin' way too long. These hotels are too expensive - and I'm sick o' lookin' at the map and the road at the same time. I'll get killed if I keep doing that.

I don't wanna find myself either. It's more interesting not knowing where I might be.

Maybe we should build a house together out of our bikes and random trash and live in it together, forever.

Brendon

This is gonna sound really weird, guys. I don't - honestly - I don't think our movies should be watched.

Melissa

They shouldn't?

Brendon

No.

Melissa

Then why are we making them?

Brendon

I - I have...I have no idea why we make them. All I know is this: we keep coming here after school every single day... and we just keep doing it. And then, I dunno, its just - and then we just do it and then I guess it feels like we should just be doing it, I guess! I dunno!

Jason

Sigh, huh. Weird. Weird - we are...god, we're weird.

Melissa

What's wrong with us?

Brendon

I don't know!

Jason

We're weirdos!