Chin quotes from Hawaii Five-0

Steve

What do we know?

Danny

Looks like a kidnapping, right? We got 16 kids, three adults from South Shore Children’s Academy; they were on a field trip. Someone comes, takes the whole bus.

Steve

Parents been notified?

Danny

Kono’s on her way to the school right now to meet them and prepare them for a ransom call.

Steve

Who's the vic, Chin?

Jay Katsu, driver of the bus. Still waiting on Max, but the cause of death appears to be three gunshots to the chest, close range.

Danny

Here’s what I think. All right, guy gets out of the bus to see what’s going on. Comes over here– boom– gets popped by one of the kidnappers.

Steve

[notices something odd on cars] Wait a minute.

What are you thinking?

Steve

This accident was staged. Look at this. There’s no skid marks. Neither of the airbags have been deployed. There’s minimal damage.

Danny

Now who do these cars belong to?

Well, HPD ran the plates. Turns out, both vehicles were reported stolen last night.

Lori Weston

I just spoke to the witness who called 911. She came on the accident about 20 minutes ago. Driver was already dead.

Danny

She see the school bus?

Lori

Yeah, she reported seeing one traveling at high speeds, heading south.

Well, if they reached the H3, they could be anywhere on the island.

Steve

All right, we need the cell numbers of all the people on that bus. Pinging their phones is gonna be our best chance of locating them.

McGarrett

[sees the grenade-shaped cake Kono is carrying] That's an awesome cake.

Danny

We were gonna jump out and yell surprise, but then we figured what's the use?

McGarrett

[deadpan] Well, you should never surprise a man who is armed and who has extensive close-quarter battle training, anyway.

Ah, that's good to keep in mind.

Kono

I will also remember that.

McGarrett

Wow.

Kono

[hands McGarrett a slice] Here you go, birthday boy.

Danny

Happy birthday, buddy.

McGarrett

Thank you. Guys, listen, I think we should just face the fact, that I'm not that easy to surprise, you know? [he takes a bite and then starts to gag in the middle of chewing]

Danny

Surprise! [everyone laughs]

Kono

Better than butter cream, right?

Chin Ho Kelly

Who was that?

Kono Kalakaua

Uh, nothing. I have someone I can just talk to later.

That somebody have a name?

Kono

What, I can't have a private life?

[giddly] Ooh. Is it a boy? Is he cute?

Kono

Okay, leave me alone.

I knew something was up. You got that glow.

Kono

Okay, I do not glow.

Uh-huh. Give it up. What's his name?

Kono

You'll find out when the time is right.

All right, be like that, but just remember who's going to walk you down the aisle.

Kono

Okay, that's going to be a very, very long ways away.

Not at this rate.

Frank Delano

'Cause you got away with it.

Chin Ho Kelly

Got away with what? What are you talking about?!

Frank

Everybody knows you're a dirty cop, Chin, but instead of having your life ruined like the rest of us, you, uh you get your badge back?

Hey, I didn't take any of that damn drug money.No.

Frank

No, but you knew who did, and you didn't say a word.

Let 'em go, Frank. Please. They got nothing to do with this.

Frank

Well, what happens to them is entirely up to you, Chin. Either one of them are The good news is, you have time to save one of them. Bad news unfortunately, the, uh the other one's gonna die.

You got what you wanted! You're out of jail. You got your revenge. Fryer is dead! Your cousin set me up, and then sent me to prison.

Frank

Want to save Kono, hmm? You get in that boat right there; you head due south. She's in a boat two miles offshore. You want to reach Malia- well she's at home waiting for you with, uh, dinner in the oven. [gasps] Chicken, I think.

You son of a bitch.

Frank

Hey, don't bother stopping to call HPD or your buddies, McGarrett and Williams. I got all the lines covered, you understand? Besides, you don't have time. You better get moving, Ace. Clock's ticking.

Danny

There's a father-daughter dance tonight.

Steve

Oh but you can't dance.

Danny

Sure, I can dance. I just choose not to.

That's a smart move.

Danny

Excuse me?

You forget I saw you dance at my wedding, brah.

Kono

Yeah, the overbite shuffle. I remember. [Chin and Steve chuckle]

Danny

Is everybody done with their cute critiques?

Mary

I'll just call Child Protective Services and Joan will have to be placed in foster care for a while. I just hope that the trauma doesn't affect her cognitive development.

Steve

"Cognitive"? You don't even know what that word means.

Mary

You're a horrible uncle, you know that?

Steve

Is this funny to you?

Danny

Yeah!

Steve

So when you're through amusing yourself, I need you to wipe down and change her pads, please.

Danny

[smirks] Not at all. I'm retired, you see. And it's gonna be way too entertaining to see Uncle Steve on diaper duty, so go ahead.

Hey, why is there a baby attached to your chest?

[telling Five-O about their suspect Mercer] He's a world-class house painter whose expertise is the "€œWhite Death",€ that is, making people disappear. [...] You just know he's been there because his victims are never seen or heard from again. On the street, they call him "€œValentine".

Lou

Oh, that's cute.

Why Valentine?

Because people who know him say he doesn't have a heart.

Your dad had some regrets. But you know what I think his biggest one was? Sending you and Mary away when you thought your mother had been killed.

Steve

I mean he had to, he did that for our safety.

Yeah, he did. But I think he came to believe it would have been better for you if he hadn't. That he should have kept you close, been in your lives every day.

Chin Ho Kelly

You know, Lou, a lot of guys in my old squad believed IA when they said I was a dirty cop. When I asked them why, they said it was just something they could feel. They went with their instinct, and they turned their back on me. But they were wrong.

Lou

I'm not wrong.

How can you be so sure?

Lou

You know, one night when we were at the academy, one of our training officers busted me and Clay trying to sneak back on campus after lights out. Now, as violations go, it was pretty serious. Absolute grounds for expulsion. So the TO- he sits us down. Now, this guy was a human lie detector. Never met a suspect he couldn't break. So he says to us, "You two birds better have a damn good reason for breaking curfew. Otherwise, I'm shipping your sorry asses out on the next bus." Now the truth is: we were at a ball game. Went to a White Sox game. The thing goes extra innings, and now we're late. But Clay looked that TO right in the eye and without missing a beat, he says, "I'm sorry, sir. But my cousin he's shipping off in the morning to the Gulf for Desert Shield, and the kid's nervous. He's scared. So Lou and I just figured we'd just take the kid out, show him a good time, you know, get his mind off things. And that way, at least he gets a proper send-off, you know?" The TO looks into Clay's eyes, and after a couple of seconds, he says "Okay. Don't let it happen again." And that was that. I never seen anybody lie with such confidence, such conviction. If you would've hooked Clay up to a polygraph right then and there, I'm telling you, he would've passed it. But it ain't even so much the lying. Clay knew how to play on this man's emotions. This morning, I'm sitting on the bench outside the ME's office, and I'm listening to him tell me how this went down. And he's talking to me, and he's looking at me, and he's looking me right in the eye, and I'm going for it, until my wife shows up. And I get up and step back, and I watched him handle my wife. And that little voice popped into my head saying, "This guy is playing you." He did this. Now, I can't prove it, but I know. And I'm telling you, I know like I know whose name is on my driver's license! He did this. I know it.

Lou

Oh, Jerry, by the way, I've been meaning to ask you. You're not one of those nuts that thinks Elvis is still alive, are you?

Jerry

Of course not. No sane person believes he is. Elvis died years ago. Almost as long as Paul McCartney.

What? He's one of the two Beatles who actually is still alive.

Jerry

Nope. Died in a car crash in '67. Replaced with a look-alike.

Kono

One very talented look-alike.

Steve

Come on, Jer, everybody knows that's an urban legend.

Jerry

What?

Steve

What "what"?

Jerry

Have you listened to "Strawberry Fields"? The evidence is all there. John confessed.

Lou

[deadpan] Oh sure. And I suppose Ringo shot Kennedy.

Jerry

You know how many dead bodies I saw before I started hanging out with Five-O? That would be none. Nada. Zero. And the fun doesn't stop there. I mean, let's not forget being accused of robbery, being abducted, having my life's work stolen, and, oh, yeah, then there's that Chinese spy who broke into my house and tried to off me.

Yeah, we appreciate everything you've done for us, Jer.

Jerry

So where's the love? The aloha? A badge would be nice.

Chin Ho Kelly

It's a one-way plane ticket to Tokyo. Leaves tonight. If your relationship with Shioma is so complicated that you can't explain it, I can't let you marry my cousin tomorrow.

[sets aside ticket] I'm not going anywhere, Chin.

Then you better convince me why I should let you stay.

[sighs] Okay. Goro Shioma was my father's mentor. They were as close as brothers. When my father started his business, Goro was the one who staked him the money to get it off the ground. He's made millions off that initial investment and continues to. Look, you don't just walk away from someone like Goro. It had to be done the right way - face to face.

So what happened?

I offered to buy him out, but he wouldn't accept. Said the only way out was to leave the same way my father came into the business. With nothing.

Adam, are you really willing to give up all of this for Kono?

[chuckles] Yeah, Chin. You know your cousin. She was never one for material things anyway.

I don't suppose we can just head down to campus and fingerprint all of his students?

Steve

Maybe we can.

How?

Steve

Well, it seems to me that there's now an opening for a new economics professor at OSU, and it just so happens that one of our own minored in business at Seton Hall.

Danny

How could you possibly know that? That's not even in my personnel file.

Steve

You think I'm gonna take you on to be my partner this whole time without doing my homework?

Kono

Wait. Boss, you've been sitting on that for six years?

Grover

That means he's probably got something on all of us.

Danny

You selfishly punched yourself in the eyeball so that I didn't get to do it. Is that right?

Steve

No. Not even close.

Danny

You know, buddy, if it's something that's, uh, embarrassing, something you don't want to share with us, you know, we understand.

[smirks] Yeah, we totally understand, Steve. The last thing we would want to do is make you uncomfortable.

Kono

Yeah. You can tell us when you're ready, boss.

Steve

[unimpressed] You guys suck at reverse psychology.

Lou

Well, then tell us the damn story, why don't you?

Steve

All right, you all know that I've been trained by the U.S. government to resist interrogation, right?

Danny

That's fine. So we'll just keep taking bad guesses, then.