Lou Grover quotes from Hawaii Five-0

Lou

Raising kids is a lot like grilling burgers.

Danny

Uh-huh.

Lou

You can't poke them and prod them too much. All you can do is just watch them closely and be there when the flames jump up.

Danny

That's it! There you go. That's fantastic.

Danny

Steve?

Steve

Yeah?

Danny

You got to hear this. Grover is comparing, uh, raising children to, uh, making hamburgers.

Lou

What's the matter with that?

Steve

I like it.

Danny

You like it?

Steve

I like it.

Danny

Right. 'Cause the analogy is free, like, uh, the-the booze is free. The beers are free. Everything is free.

Lou

[sighs in dismay] Brother, you're playing what we like to call military golf. Left, right, left, right.

Steve

What am I doing wrong?

Lou

Well, for starters, you're swinging like a gorilla. Don't you remember what I said in the parking lot? This is a game of finesse. The easier you swing, the further that little white ball goes.

Steve

Okay, that doesn't make any sense to me.

Steve

You guys know each other?

Lou

Please ignore my ignorant friend. He just crawled out from under a rock this morning, with a driver in his hand.

[to Steve] If you don't mind, I just want to give you a tip. I just saw something from back there.

Lou

Oh, I would yes, please. By all means, yeah, especially if it's free. His motto is, "If it's for free, then it's for me."

Kono

What's with you and salvage?

Kid, this is a perfectly good example of vintage aviation.

Lou Grover

Uh-uh. It's a washing machine with propellers.

Frank

Big man, you're not exactly paying top dollar here. In fact, you're not paying anything at all. So if I were you, I'd grab a double-wide seat and keep a bag handy.

Lou

Hang on a second. I know this old hippie didn't just call me fat.

Chin Ho Kelly

You know, Lou, a lot of guys in my old squad believed IA when they said I was a dirty cop. When I asked them why, they said it was just something they could feel. They went with their instinct, and they turned their back on me. But they were wrong.

Lou

I'm not wrong.

How can you be so sure?

Lou

You know, one night when we were at the academy, one of our training officers busted me and Clay trying to sneak back on campus after lights out. Now, as violations go, it was pretty serious. Absolute grounds for expulsion. So the TO- he sits us down. Now, this guy was a human lie detector. Never met a suspect he couldn't break. So he says to us, "You two birds better have a damn good reason for breaking curfew. Otherwise, I'm shipping your sorry asses out on the next bus." Now the truth is: we were at a ball game. Went to a White Sox game. The thing goes extra innings, and now we're late. But Clay looked that TO right in the eye and without missing a beat, he says, "I'm sorry, sir. But my cousin he's shipping off in the morning to the Gulf for Desert Shield, and the kid's nervous. He's scared. So Lou and I just figured we'd just take the kid out, show him a good time, you know, get his mind off things. And that way, at least he gets a proper send-off, you know?" The TO looks into Clay's eyes, and after a couple of seconds, he says "Okay. Don't let it happen again." And that was that. I never seen anybody lie with such confidence, such conviction. If you would've hooked Clay up to a polygraph right then and there, I'm telling you, he would've passed it. But it ain't even so much the lying. Clay knew how to play on this man's emotions. This morning, I'm sitting on the bench outside the ME's office, and I'm listening to him tell me how this went down. And he's talking to me, and he's looking at me, and he's looking me right in the eye, and I'm going for it, until my wife shows up. And I get up and step back, and I watched him handle my wife. And that little voice popped into my head saying, "This guy is playing you." He did this. Now, I can't prove it, but I know. And I'm telling you, I know like I know whose name is on my driver's license! He did this. I know it.

Lou Grover

Oldest reason in the world, brother. Oldest motive. Love. [shows a pic on Clay's cellphone] LeAnn Stockwell. One of your trainers at the gym. One you've been having an affair with for over a year. Aw, those photos? Yeah, these photos. The photos you took on your phone and deleted them. I got teenagers, man, and you know what my teenagers taught me about technology? Nothing gets deleted. Nothing ever goes away. I talked to LeAnn, Clay. She told me you wanted to leave your wife and be with her.

So, what, what? I'm-I'm a killer because I lied to some piece I had on the side? Is that's what you think?

Lou

I think you wanted to start all over with some fine young thing that just adored Clay. Then you did the math. And you sure as hell didn't want to live your retirement out on half your pension in a small rented apartment on the South Side of Chicago. You know, I really don't even think it was the money. I know how much you love people thinking you're such a good guy. "Aw, that Clay-- he's a great guy! Stand-up guy!" You just didn't want anybody to know that you're the kind of guy who'd step out on his wife after 20 good years. I'm done with you.

You know, that's a great story, Lou. The thing is you can't prove it.

Lou

Not yet, but you're gonna spend the night in a cell. And I'm gonna spend the night on a plane back to Chicago, and I'm gonna talk to LeAnn in person. And then I'm gonna search your house. And I'm gonna search your car. And I'm gonna search your locker. And I'm gonna talk to your friends. I'm gonna talk to your neighbors. I'm gonna talk to your pastor. I'm gonna talk to everybody you know down to the guy who shines your shoes! And anything you think I can do to help you, Clay-- [gets closer to him] any favor I could call in, any length that I could go to, any power or influence I might have-- I'm gonna use all of that to lock your ass up! Smoke on that.

Lou

Well, look on a positive note, the trip was not a total bust. I did manage to score myself six deep-dish pies from Malnati's. Renee and the kids are about to welcome me home a hero.

Steve

[looks at Lou] I'm sorry, did you say that you just flew ten hours straight with a bunch of pizzas in your suitcase? Is that what you said?

Lou

[grins] You're damn right.

Steve

[speechless] Mm.

Lou

And today is your lucky day, because as a result of this unexpected, pleasant little pick-me-up at the airport, I'm gonna cut you in on a slice.

Steve

Yeah, I'm, uh, I'm kind of a thin-crust guy myself, but thank you all the same.

Lou

Oh, Jerry, by the way, I've been meaning to ask you. You're not one of those nuts that thinks Elvis is still alive, are you?

Jerry

Of course not. No sane person believes he is. Elvis died years ago. Almost as long as Paul McCartney.

What? He's one of the two Beatles who actually is still alive.

Jerry

Nope. Died in a car crash in '67. Replaced with a look-alike.

Kono

One very talented look-alike.

Steve

Come on, Jer, everybody knows that's an urban legend.

Jerry

What?

Steve

What "what"?

Jerry

Have you listened to "Strawberry Fields"? The evidence is all there. John confessed.

Lou

[deadpan] Oh sure. And I suppose Ringo shot Kennedy.

Lou

I'll have a strawberry daiquiri.

Steve

Did you say strawberry daiquiri?

Lou

I'm comfortable with my manhood, brother.

Steve

[chuckles] Oh, yes, you are. And deep dish pizzas, strawberry daiquiris. Man, you like the finer things in life.

Lou

I'm a connoisseur.

I don't suppose we can just head down to campus and fingerprint all of his students?

Steve

Maybe we can.

How?

Steve

Well, it seems to me that there's now an opening for a new economics professor at OSU, and it just so happens that one of our own minored in business at Seton Hall.

Danny

How could you possibly know that? That's not even in my personnel file.

Steve

You think I'm gonna take you on to be my partner this whole time without doing my homework?

Kono

Wait. Boss, you've been sitting on that for six years?

Grover

That means he's probably got something on all of us.

Danny

You selfishly punched yourself in the eyeball so that I didn't get to do it. Is that right?

Steve

No. Not even close.

Danny

You know, buddy, if it's something that's, uh, embarrassing, something you don't want to share with us, you know, we understand.

[smirks] Yeah, we totally understand, Steve. The last thing we would want to do is make you uncomfortable.

Kono

Yeah. You can tell us when you're ready, boss.

Steve

[unimpressed] You guys suck at reverse psychology.

Lou

Well, then tell us the damn story, why don't you?

Steve

All right, you all know that I've been trained by the U.S. government to resist interrogation, right?

Danny

That's fine. So we'll just keep taking bad guesses, then.

Lou

I'm having no fruit on top of pancakes. The only fruit I'm putting on top of my pancakes is coconut.

Steve

Coconut's not a fruit. It's a drupe.

Lou

It's a what?

Steve

A drupe. It's any fruit with an outer skin and pulp in the middle and––

Lou

Oh I remember. I don't care, 'cause I'm eating pancakes and not writing a dissertation.

Lou

If my wife asks you, don't tell I had this stuff. You tell her that I had the diet plate. That's the turkey burger with no bun and a scoop of cottage cheese.

Steve

Why would your wife ask me that question???

Lou

Why the hell would the Red Sox sell Babe Ruth for $5000? I don't know. Don't ask me to explain marriage to you.