[Danny shows Steve his new Camaro]
DannyBeautiful, huh?
Looks nice. [grabs the keys from Danny and gets into the driver's seat]
Danny
What are you doing?
Danny
That sounds good. You're not gonna let me drive my new car? [no response from Steve, gets into the car] You're a real jerk, you know that?
[Steve pushes on the gas pedal]
Danny
You're grinding the thing. Would you please?!
[interrupts] I'm not grinding the thing. What are you talking about? This thing is an animal. Let me tell you about Zero to 60 in under five. Under five, okay?
Danny
Mm-hmm.
Corners like it's stuck to the road. It's a dream. I love this car.
Danny
Are you enjoying yourself?
I am. [smirks at Danny] I am.
[Danny is trying to dissuade Steve from letting Catherine work with her ex-boyfriend and his fellow SEAL Billy.]
Danny
You see, that is why you will never see it coming, pal. You are complacent, okay? You need to fortify your position. At all times, at all times, you need to protect your queen like, uh, chess.
No, not like in chess, Danny. In chess, the queen is a fighting piece, and you use her to protect the king.
Danny
What are you talking about?
Okay, okay. It was a metaphor.
Danny
It was a metaphor for you losing the best thing that ever happened to you.
[Danny gets wind of Catherine's new job]
Danny
Law of nature says that if you take a boy rabbit, and you take a girl rabbit, and you put 'em into a cage together over a long period of time, what do you think is going to happen?
Are you real––are you really doing it? Are you really gonna compare Billy and Catherine to rabbits?
Danny
We're all animals.
Danny
But we are animals, and this is my point. It is a fact, after these long nights, long, hardworking nights, bad Chinese food, law of nature says, these two people are going to have a moment
Danny
A moment.
Danny
A moment where they look at each other in the eye, and bing, just like that, everything comes back. All those old feelings and you're gonna have nobody else to blame but yourself, because you let her take a job with her ex-boyfriend.
[introducing Jerry to Catherine] This is Jerry-- he is our special consultant.
Danny
Yeah, Roswell division.
It's nice to meet you, Jerry, I'm Catherine. Uh, why don't you guys come this way?
[whispers to Danny] She'll do.
Danny
Oh, no, no, no, listen, her, uh, boyfriend is a complete animal. You want to stay away from that one, trust me.
[Steve and Danny are watching a movie with Catherine and Gabby]
What, did I miss something? I mean, the music just went all sad.
Danny
That's because that's how the filmmakers want you to feel. Sad. See?
Well, no, this is supposed to be a romantic comedy. This is neither romantic nor funny. I don't understand what's happening.
Danny
[hypothesizing about cause of death] This guy and another guy, they get into a beef over, uh, I don't know, let's say they brought it to the reception. They end up back in the room here, uh, get into a little fisticuffs. Uh, this guy doesn't realize his buddy has a gun. Bang, here he is.
Interesting. Very detailed theory. I particularly enjoyed your use of the word "fisticuffs".
Let me ask you a question then. If Gabby asked you to put your career on hold and move to Denver, would you do that?
Danny
No, I wouldn't do that. But I got a daughter who lives here. It's not the same thing.
Plus you'd miss me too much.
Danny
Plus I'd miss you too much.
[Joe calls out Danny over his habit of arguing with Steve while in the car]
Well, look, how about if I change the subject?
Danny That-that would be fine.
Steve asked me to get in touch with Doris.
Danny
Okay, well, I-I mean, that makes sense. You know, he's got questions, and she may have the answers.
Yeah, well, what I didn't tell him was I've been trying to find her for over a month. I haven't talked to her since she put Adam and Kono on that freighter that night. And the chatter is that once she left the country, old enemies came out of the woodwork.
Danny
What, she's on the run?
Danny
Or worse? Well, what are you gonna tell Steve?
I can't tell him anything. I don't have any confirmation. What I'm hoping is that you will tell him to stand down on this and let this go. Because we start turning over rocks, God knows what might crawl out.
Danny
Yeah, so I'll just talk to Steve. What makes you think he's gonna listen to me?
Because he trusts you. He looks at me, he sees ulterior motives. He looks at you, he just sees a friend.
Danny
Ah, okay. Well, I could tell Steve whatever you want me to tell him and he's gonna say, "Okay, sounds good," and he's gonna go off and do whatever he wants to do. And you know that. So my advice to you is, please, get confirmation on these rumors, and get the truth, and share that truth with Steve. Because you know and I know that he's not gonna stop until he gets it.
Danny
It's a violation however you look at it. The sanctity of my home has been violated.
It's toilet paper, Danny. It's a couple of kids having fun on Halloween. What's the big deal?
Danny
The big deal is, in my opinion, this is how most decent kids turn to a life of corruption.
[looks at Danny in disbelief] Excuse me?
Danny
Yeah. TP-ing is a gateway crime. Ok? It starts with toilet paper and then next thing you know, armed robbery.
You know what, Danny, if that's the case, I really hope you catch these hardened criminals and I'm sure it's gonna be a career case for you.
Danny
You're making fun.
I'm not making fun. I'm serious.
Danny
No...I, uh...I can't go. Can't do it. Sorry.
Danny
I can't do caves or tunnels or cramped spaces, anything where I feel like a rat. I can't.
[surprised] You're claustrophobic?
Danny
A little bit. Yeah.
[looks into tunnel and then at Danny] Ok...well, uh...wait here.
Danny
Ok. I'm sorry. I just...I can't.
[shrugs it off] No...I mean, what are you gonna do right?
Danny
Thanks.
[Steve goes into the tunnel but stops and turns back.]
Hey, Danny. How did it take me four years to learn that about you?
Danny
I don't know. Maybe you don't pay such close attention to me.
Danny
Buddy, listen to me, the way I see it, Mary didn't adopt a kid; you did. All right, 'cause it's only a matter of time before that poor, unfortunate child is looking for some suckling at 3:00 a.m. It's gonna be looking to you.
No, there's gonna be no suckling, okay?
Danny
No?
'Cause that baby is going back.
Danny
Oh, you're gonna send it back, what, to the orphanage? With a bunch of other kids that nobody wants? What? Yeah, no, it's a good idea. I mean, it's probably a better idea than leaving it with your sister.
Wait a minute, I thought you didn't approve?
Danny
I don't approve.
Okay, whose side are you on then?
Danny
I'm on the side where the kid has a chance of being loved.
I'll just call Child Protective Services and Joan will have to be placed in foster care for a while. I just hope that the trauma doesn't affect her cognitive development.
"Cognitive"? You don't even know what that word means.
You're a horrible uncle, you know that?
[Later, Steve walks into the Five-O headquarters with baby Joan strapped in a carrier. Danny sees him and starts laughing.]
Danny
Yeah!
So when you're through amusing yourself, I need you to wipe down and change her pads, please.
Danny
[smirks] Not at all. I'm retired, you see. And it's gonna be way too entertaining to see Uncle Steve on diaper duty, so go ahead.
Hey, why is there a baby attached to your chest?
Hawaii Five-0 · 427 quotes
