Hancock's Half Hour · Season 1
[Hancock is being exploited as a tourist attraction by Sid, as The Wild Man of the Woods.]
I refuse to make a public exhibition of myself!
Hey! Hey Sid, look! What's that up there in the trees?
Ah nothing, probably a squirrel or something, now look, Hancock—
No, no it's not a sirrel S— [cast and audience descend into giggles]
... if Mr Kerr will say "it's not a sirrel Squid", then...
How did you know we were policemen?
I, er... I looked it up on the passenger list. I should never have known otherwise, you could be anybody: Cabinet Ministers or Italian footballers or Sadler's Wells ballet...
The plane is still on the ground.
So it is, so it is! Good grief, I'd better tell the pilot before he pulls the wheels up!
Tell me Hancock, where did you study law?
LCC evening classes, Sir. Second class diploma and nine out of ten for woodwork.
Well, it was a mistake anybody could make.
A mistake? An important murder case and you turn up at the wrong court! You spend three hours making an impassioned plea for a life sentence on a man accused of passing betting slips in Hyde Park!
How dare you! I shall sue you for libel!
Don't you mean 'slander'?
Do I? Hang on a minute, no I don't, you can't catch me - 'slander' is setting fire to people.
"Place in order the six best looking photographs of Jimmy Edwards." None of 'em much good here, are they? Still, if you haven't got the clay you can't make the pot...
You remember that nine hundred thousand pounds I won?
Oh yeah.
Well I want two bob of it - I'm hungry!
Hancock, we've been all over this before, boy - it's all tied up.
I know it is! In little bags in your bedroom!
When you were a boy weren't you ever taught table manners?
No.
Why not?
We didn't have a table.
Well well, look who it is. The Thing from Outer Kitchen. I gather from the clouds of blue smoke the sausages are ready?
I'm employed as a secretary, not to provide breakfast for you two as soon as I get here. If you don't like my cooking, do it yourself. Here you are. [clatter]
What are these then?
Sausages!
What, these little shrivelled up things with two black knobs on each end?
They burst out of their skin.
And pleased to get out, by the looks of things!
I can't eat these, even if I wanted to I couldn't. You'd need a pair of nutcrackers to break these open.
I'll have yours, Tubb, if you don't want them.
Here we are, the old waste bucket 'ere. I'm sure if you trod on his foot the top of his head would fly open.
Ooh look! It's started raining!
That's all we wanted. You watch, it'll go dark in a minute, we'll have to switch the lights on. I think I'll go to bed.
[reproachfully] You've only been up an hour...
That is by the way and nothing to do with it. I might just as well be in bed, there's nothing else to do. I wish I hadn't got up now. Your dinner wasn't worth getting up for, I'll tell you that for a start!
Well I don't know, I ate all mine.
That is neither here nor there. You also ate Bill's, and Sid's, and mine! I thought my mother was a bad cook but at least her gravy used to move about. Yours just sort of lies there and sets.
That's the goodness in it!
That's the half a pound of flour you put in it!
Not a very nice afternoon, is it?
No.
It's raining you know.
[sarcastically] Oh so that's what's making the roads wet.
"I wish I were a chestnut tree,
a-nourished by the sun,
with twigs and leaves and branches,
and conkers by the ton."
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Hancock's Half Hour pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
