Stone me!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Eyes down for a full house.
No, stop messing about!
Go on, be a devil!
Ooh, you are rotten.
[first lines]
AAnnouncer
Yes, this is the first night of the Lad's new radio series. Such occasions are usually marked by a small celebration of some sort, but Tony Hancock is really doing it in style - he's going to throw a cocktail and dinner party, so let's go over to Tony's flat in the English quarter of London's West End, where he and Bill Kerr are making the arrangements.
[slow typewriter sounds] Hurry up, Kerr. Haven't you finished typing out those invitations yet?
Don't rush me, don't rush me.
Might help if you took the gloves off...
My hands are cold. [pause] Anyway, what's wrong with typing in gloves? [pause] I like typing in gloves. [pause] Lots of people type in gloves.
Not in boxing gloves.
UUsher
The court is now in session! Case of the Crown versus Hancock's Marrow, round two. Presiding judge Lord Chief Justice Fleming.
CJLord Chief Justice Fleming
There are one or two points in this case that I should like to elucidate. Will Mayor James please stand up?
Mornin' judge.
CJLord Chief Justice Fleming
Your face is familiar! Haven't I seen you here before?
Yes, Your Honour. Three times, all told.
CJLord Chief Justice Fleming
Really?
Yes. A six months, a not proven and a warning.
CJLord Chief Justice Fleming
Well now, you wish to build a road through Mr Hancock's garden?
That's it.
CJLord Chief Justice Fleming
And he won't let you because he's got a marrow growing there.
That's right.
CJLord Chief Justice Fleming
Yes. Hmm. Yes. What is a marrow?
Eh?
CJLord Chief Justice Fleming
I always ask that. It gets me in the newspapers.
FPFellow Passenger
Windows on aeroplanes do not open. This is a pressurised cabin - if the windows opened the plane would explode!
Well that's bad workmanship, old man.
Well the Hun was throwing everything at me, three on my tail, I was looping the loop at a hundred and twenty miles an hour. Only one thing to do: I stepped out on the wing, controlling the plane with my feet, grabbed the bombs out of the racks and threw 'em at him! Did my victory roll over Hendon airport picking up handkerchiefs off the tarmac with my wing tips.
This one nearer the window has the best view of the Swiss mountain scenery, which is the reason I'm here. Yes, this'll do. On the other hand, bloke in that bed gets his breakfast in bed first. Well, when you've seen one mountain you've seen the lot.
[Hancock's secretary has swapped two letters, potentially ending his career.]
Miss Pugh? I have reason to believe you've put one of your dainty plates in it again...
[Hancock is to make an announcement.]
Can't we have the proclamation without the press?
No, what I have to say concerns the world.
[someone knocks at the door]
Ah, mayhap that these are they...
There is no happiness in this world today for a man of my intellect. So, I've decided the only solution is to become a recluse. I'm going back to nature! I'm going to renounce all my worldly goods and live in the woods...
Where?
Clapham Common. It's the easy living and false comforts of modern civilisation that are ruining mankind.
RReporter
Why have you picked Clapham Common?
So I'll be near the shops.
I am leaving this house, leaving society. I shall become a hermit.
RReporter
But, er, what are you going to live on Mr Hancock?
Nature is bountiful, young man! I will eat the food she has provided! Berries, herbs, grass... he's right you know, what am I going to live on?
I shall write poetry.
BBill
You don't mean that rubbish you scribble down in your diary every day?
Rubbish? Rubbish? Philosophical gems, matey! Listen to this: Sonnet, by A. H.
Oh wond'rous moon with silvery sheen!
Who throws its light upon East Cheam
From lofty height, and through the mist
Two o'clock Friday, chiropodist.
How did that get in?! Where's the last line of my poem?
I rubbed it out to make room for the chiropodist appointment. You know you can't get your boots on if you leave your corns for more than a week!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Hancock's Half Hour pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.