Bill Kerr quotes from Hancock's Half Hour

Yes, this is the first night of the Lad's new radio series. Such occasions are usually marked by a small celebration of some sort, but Tony Hancock is really doing it in style - he's going to throw a cocktail and dinner party, so let's go over to Tony's flat in the English quarter of London's West End, where he and Bill Kerr are making the arrangements.

Hancock

[slow typewriter sounds] Hurry up, Kerr. Haven't you finished typing out those invitations yet?

Don't rush me, don't rush me.

Hancock

Might help if you took the gloves off...

My hands are cold. [pause] Anyway, what's wrong with typing in gloves? [pause] I like typing in gloves. [pause] Lots of people type in gloves.

Hancock

Not in boxing gloves.

Can't we have the proclamation without the press?

Hancock

No, what I have to say concerns the world.

Hancock

Ah, mayhap that these are they...

Hancock

I shall write poetry.

You don't mean that rubbish you scribble down in your diary every day?

Hancock

Rubbish? Rubbish? Philosophical gems, matey! Listen to this: Sonnet, by A. H.

I rubbed it out to make room for the chiropodist appointment. You know you can't get your boots on if you leave your corns for more than a week!

Hancock

I refuse to make a public exhibition of myself!

Hey! Hey Sid, look! What's that up there in the trees?

Sid

Ah nothing, probably a squirrel or something, now look, Hancock—

No, no it's not a sirrel S— [cast and audience descend into giggles]

Hancock

... if Mr Kerr will say "it's not a sirrel Squid", then...

Hancock

When you were a boy weren't you ever taught table manners?

No.

Hancock

Why not?

We didn't have a table.

Hancock

I can't eat these, even if I wanted to I couldn't. You'd need a pair of nutcrackers to break these open.

I'll have yours, Tubb, if you don't want them.

Hancock

Here we are, the old waste bucket 'ere. I'm sure if you trod on his foot the top of his head would fly open.