Hancock's Half Hour quotes

Yes, this is the first night of the Lad's new radio series. Such occasions are usually marked by a small celebration of some sort, but Tony Hancock is really doing it in style - he's going to throw a cocktail and dinner party, so let's go over to Tony's flat in the English quarter of London's West End, where he and Bill Kerr are making the arrangements.

Hancock

[slow typewriter sounds] Hurry up, Kerr. Haven't you finished typing out those invitations yet?

Don't rush me, don't rush me.

Hancock

Might help if you took the gloves off...

My hands are cold. [pause] Anyway, what's wrong with typing in gloves? [pause] I like typing in gloves. [pause] Lots of people type in gloves.

Hancock

Not in boxing gloves.

The court is now in session! Case of the Crown versus Hancock's Marrow, round two. Presiding judge Lord Chief Justice Fleming.

There are one or two points in this case that I should like to elucidate. Will Mayor James please stand up?

Sid James

Mornin' judge.

Your face is familiar! Haven't I seen you here before?

Sid James

Yes, Your Honour. Three times, all told.

Really?

Sid James

Yes. A six months, a not proven and a warning.

Well now, you wish to build a road through Mr Hancock's garden?

Sid James

That's it.

And he won't let you because he's got a marrow growing there.

Sid James

That's right.

Yes. Hmm. Yes. What is a marrow?

Sid James

Eh?

I always ask that. It gets me in the newspapers.

Windows on aeroplanes do not open. This is a pressurised cabin - if the windows opened the plane would explode!

Hancock

Well that's bad workmanship, old man.

Hancock

Well the Hun was throwing everything at me, three on my tail, I was looping the loop at a hundred and twenty miles an hour. Only one thing to do: I stepped out on the wing, controlling the plane with my feet, grabbed the bombs out of the racks and threw 'em at him! Did my victory roll over Hendon airport picking up handkerchiefs off the tarmac with my wing tips.

Hancock

This one nearer the window has the best view of the Swiss mountain scenery, which is the reason I'm here. Yes, this'll do. On the other hand, bloke in that bed gets his breakfast in bed first. Well, when you've seen one mountain you've seen the lot.

Hancock

Miss Pugh? I have reason to believe you've put one of your dainty plates in it again...

Can't we have the proclamation without the press?

Hancock

No, what I have to say concerns the world.

Hancock

Ah, mayhap that these are they...

Hancock

There is no happiness in this world today for a man of my intellect. So, I've decided the only solution is to become a recluse. I'm going back to nature! I'm going to renounce all my worldly goods and live in the woods...

Sid James

Where?

Hancock

Clapham Common. It's the easy living and false comforts of modern civilisation that are ruining mankind.

Why have you picked Clapham Common?

Hancock

So I'll be near the shops.

Hancock

I am leaving this house, leaving society. I shall become a hermit.

But, er, what are you going to live on Mr Hancock?

Hancock

Nature is bountiful, young man! I will eat the food she has provided! Berries, herbs, grass... he's right you know, what am I going to live on?

Hancock

I shall write poetry.

You don't mean that rubbish you scribble down in your diary every day?

Hancock

Rubbish? Rubbish? Philosophical gems, matey! Listen to this: Sonnet, by A. H.

I rubbed it out to make room for the chiropodist appointment. You know you can't get your boots on if you leave your corns for more than a week!