Miranda Bailey quotes from Grey's Anatomy

Callie

They hate each other.

Bailey

They are professionals, they'll be fine...

Callie

No, it's awful, it's tense and it's cold and it's dangerous. It feels like diffusing a bomb...in a haunted house...that's built on a mine field, and there are bears...EVERYWHERE...and, the bears have knives!

Miranda

You're a physician. Is this really the first time you missed a lunch and the crossword because of a surgery?

Meredith

Here we go.

Ben

It was important to me.

Miranda

Well, this parasite's important to me.

Ben

Yeah, I can see that.

Miranda

You know what? Fine. Let's do it right now. Give me the damn crossword.

Ben

Just forget it.

Miranda

Oh, no. Nobody's ever gonna forget it. Where is Dr. Warren's bag?

Ben

Miranda...

Miranda

Oh, there it is.

Derek

And this is why you don't work with your girlfriend.

Meredith

I warned them.

Miranda

Here we go. Oh, this is gonna be so great. It's way better than a once-in-a-lifetime, bone-eating parasite. Let's see. One down.

Ben

Dr. Bailey...

Miranda

Oh, no, no, no. No help from you. I'm too excited. This is what I live for. Let's see "Peruvian mountain range". Oh, Andes. Five, uh-huh. "Planet with water, four letters". Oh, Mars. Duh. Uh,"fancy sauce"? Fancy... ooh. Remoulade.

Ben

Stop.

Miranda

What? No, no. I'm on a roll. Come on. Hey, this can't be the Sunday, 'cause this is way too easy. What's ... Oh, hey, this one, 21 across. "My question to you." Hmm.

Ben

I'm asking you to put it away.

Derek

He's asking you nicely, Dr. Bailey.

Miranda

Oh, no, no, no. When he doesn't get his way, he holds on to it in his cheek like a squirrel with a nut. We are doing the crossword. What is "my question to you"? It's a bunch of letters. Um ... oh, maybe it's a phrase. "My question to you," anybody?

Meredith

How many letters?

Miranda

Uh, 2 ... 9 ... 13.

Derek

It's 13 letters?

Ben

14.

Miranda

No, I'm looking at it. It's 13.

Ben

No, it's 14. Count again.

Miranda

I just counted. What, do you have X-ray vision from across the room?

Ben

"Will you marry me" is my question to you. And the reason why it's so easy is because I made the crossword. Took me two damn months not to mention getting a mockup made of "The New York Times." The phrase has 14 letters. "Will," four,"you," seven, "marry," 12,"me" ... 14.

Bailey

Does my nickname command respect? [Jackson and Alex turn towards her]

Webber

No.

Bailey

Strike fear in the hearts of residents?

Webber

No.

Bailey

Well, what is it?

Webber

You've been... happy. And the interns noticed that your happiness often coincides with the arrival of... of Dr. Warren. And that's all I'm saying!

Bailey

Oh! Oh! Come on now! You have to tell me!

Webber

No. I can't! I'm a gentleman. And also... I don't wanna! [Jackson laughs. Bailey looks at both of them quickly]

Bailey

Wh... wh... oh, come on! [Alex turns towards her]

Alex

OK, I'm gonna tell you this because I'm literally about to walk out of this hospital forever. [Webber keeps shaking his head towards him] Your nickname is B.C.B.

Bailey

B.C.B.?

Alex

Booty Call Bailey. [Bailey looks at him shocked] That's what they call you.

Meredith

Dr. Bailey. Can I please get another intern?

Bailey

What's wrong with Ross?

Meredith

A lot.

Bailey

The kid made a tiny mistake.

Meredith

Because he's an idiot. If I have to work with him one more second, I'm probably gonna kill him.

Bailey

Uh, you think I didn't want to kill you? You cut L-VAD wires, and yet there you stand. So be merciful and suck it up.

Meredith

[about Richard] If he wants to suffer, then maybe we let him.

Bailey

Oh, so you're gonna let him die because he hurt your feelings?

Meredith

There isn't anything that he can say to me that I haven't heard from my mother a thousand times. I'm bulletproof. But we can force all the treatment on him we want. It won't make a difference if he decides he does not want to fight for himself. Maybe he just needs to see what it feels like to hit bottom.

Bailey

You stole my liver?

Meredith

Uh come on. I deserve this. I've been on the bench for months.

Bailey

You deserve nothing.

Meredith

I named my son after you. [singsong] You can't be mad at me.

Bailey

Your son is the devil's spawn. He drinks the milk of a liver thief!

Maggie

You have a genome lab here?

Jo

We did. The board just voted...

Miranda

We do, and I still have a set of keys. And if the board has a problem with that, you have them come talk to me, and I'll tell them what hole they can push that through!

Maggie

Was she bringing the thunder or did we just piss her off?

Jo

Dr. Bailey doesn't need to bring anything. She is the thunder.

Owen

Dr. Pierce, Dr. Bailey told me you ordered an exome panel for her patient.

Miranda

They caught me. And I threw you under the bus. Sorry.

Jackson

Yeah, Dr. Bailey's genome-research program has been discontinued.

Maggie

You know, I heard that. And I have to say, I think it's stupid. Genome mapping is like getting the answers in the back of the book. It is the key to so many medical solutions. Closing that program makes your board look like a bunch of morons.

Miranda

Have you met Dr. Avery?

Maggie

Yeah, plastics, right?

Owen

Dr. Avery is also a voting member on the board.

Maggie

Of course you are.

Meredith

He's gone, and I know he's gone. And the bed feels lonely. It's like I don't know how to sleep alone.

Amelia

You don't. I mean, before three months ago, any time I called your house or came over or skyped or whatever, Cristina was there. There's no way you ever slept alone. I mean, you had Derek. And if you didn't have Derek, you had Cristina. I'm guessing if it came down to it, you were, like, the middle spoon in the middle of a very weird spooning situation. I've never met a less alone person than you u...

Meredith

Used to be. I have to learn to sleep alone.

Miranda

Ben snores. And he sometimes talks in his sleep. And he's hot. Like a furnace. Like flames shootin' out of him. He's lucky I love him. And he's a resident and hardly home at night. Or he'd be dead.

Amelia

I miss sleeping with a man in my bed. You know, facing away from each other, barely touching expect for just the arm thrown over your waist. When I'd wake up at night, terrified of... me, I liked knowing he was there and I wasn't by myself.

Maggie

I cannot sleep with someone lying next to me. Literally cannot. My one serious guy? Dean. Dean just loved to spoon and snuggle, and I would just lie there, staring up silently, counting the seconds until he would fall asleep and I could sneak off to sleep on the sofa. And then I'd sneak back into bed before he woke up in the morning. Yeah, people think that's a cute story. It's not a cute story. That sofa was hard as a rock. I was exhausted. Dean is a really sweet guy. He's tall and kind. Civil rights lawyer. He's funny. So when he proposed, I explained to him about the sleeping. I said, "you know, maybe you could sleep in a room down the hall." I wanted to sleep alone.

Amelia

And what happened?

Maggie

Well, he is now married to someone who loves to spoon and snuggle. And I sleep like a baby every night. I might be too good at being alone.

Meredith

Maybe I could print a Derek. Just for sleeping.

Miranda

Oh, you had to dive on top of me?

Ben

I was being your human shield. I was protecting you.

Miranda

Oh, do I strike you as a woman who needs protecting?

Ben

You're right. All right. Next time, I'm gonna use you as my human shield.

Miranda

Bribery, Edwards? You think bribery is an appropriate standard of practice in this hospital, bribing for surgeries?

Stephanie

I don't know what you're talking about.

Miranda

You tried to bribe your way onto that surgery down there.

Stephanie

Warren. Sleeping with the enemy.

Miranda

You demean yourself, and you demean medicine.

Stephanie

I'm sorry. And it doesn't matter, anyway. It didn't work.

Miranda

$50? $50. Do you know how much a full ear replantation would have gone for in my day? $100, easy. $120, even, plus two weeks of night call. You add in inflation, you should have offered him $175, at least. $50. We can't even go to dinner for $50.

Miranda

Not long after I discovered my ex-husband had been e-mailing another woman, we met for breakfast. That was a big breakfast... Stacks of pancakes, eggs, and all kinds of fancy jams he thought would somehow make it okay that he was e-mailing another woman while he was married to me. Hmm. I remember staring at the butter knife I used to spread my fancy jam, and for half a second, imagined what the side of his neck might look like with the butter knife in it. Fancy jams dripping down the side of his fat, e-mail, cheating neck. Yep, I've been that mad.

Meredith

I thought Derek was cheating on me, and I got that mad. "Two trauma surgeons and an orthopod" kind of mad.

Callie

Hmm. No comment.

Arizona

You know, cutting off a penis isn't actually that big of a deal. I mean, it's not like he needs it for survival or to think or, like, I don't know, to walk. (they all look at her) What? Hey, it's my leg. And, you know... And for the record, I only thought about maiming you once, Callie, and I told you that the second I thought it.

Callie

Thank you?

Miranda

Look, the difference is, we may think about it, but we don't actually dismember our spouses.

Ben

Good to know.

Miranda

Dr. Grey, do you need to be replaced?

Meredith

No. I'm fine.

Miranda

No, you're not fine. You're distracted. You and Derek went down in a plane. You drowned. He got shot. You gave birth in a power outage.

Meredith

Is this supposed to make me feel better?

Miranda

I'm just saying, you have every reason to be distracted, every reason to think the sky is falling. Do you need to go?

Meredith

No!

Miranda

Okay, well, how long can you go without hearing from him before you absolutely go crazy?

Meredith

I don't know. I... 6:00, 6:30, maybe.

Miranda

Okay, then, let's say 5:00. At 5:00 P.M., if you haven't heard from him, you can panic. You can call the police, call the paramedics. You can freak out until your little heart's content. But not one minute before and not in this O.R.

Miranda

I love you too much! It's too much. Okay, my first husband. Okay, if he left, a piece of me always knew that I would be okay, and when he did leave, I was, but you... Ever since Derek died, I sit up in the middle of the night, gasping for air, terrified. I've been having these dreams that something happened to you. So, if something happened... I love you too much. Like, you are a piece of me. I love you. So... I need a plan. I need rules. I need some order, and I had just gotten used to your dumb miracle-man idea, and now you're telling me you want me to pull the plug, and I can't deal with that. I... Just order and, uh, some rules and a plan and some order in the middle of this, 'cause if I have to think about what could happen, it's too much.

Ben

I promise... I promise that I will let you die first.

Miranda

That is so wrong!

Ben

Hey, I love you too much, too.

Bailey

See, when Webber had this job, it was easier for him. And Hunt had it easier than I do. You know why?

Meredith

I don't.

Bailey

Because they had me. I need a me, and I believe that you can be a me for me. I need you to be my me. That's what they don't know I'd like to appoint you chief of general surgery.

Meredith

Me?

Bailey

Because you deserve it. Because you can take it. Because I leaned on you, and you held me up. You are the calm in the center of the chaos. You have been since I met you. And I need you.