I know the face. I've been here before. Everyone thinks they are the first person in the world to ever look at a human being like that, but... It's always the same face. Who is dead?
Derek. It's Derek. I'm so, so sorry. It was an MVC accident, and he wanted to help.
I don't need the details. Dead is dead.
I am so... So sorry. I wish there was something I could...
Thank you for telling me.
Amelia, if there's anything I can...
I'm good. I've done this before. I know the drill. It's not a big deal.
I have a baggie full of black-market oxy in my coat pocket, and I'm trying to decide whether or not to take it. I've got the dead-Derek thing completely managed. I know people were worried. Since he died, everybody's been looking at me, waiting for me to fall apart or freak out or just become a mess. Like some bomb everyone thinks is supposed to go off. My mother was calling three, four times a day. Addison was calling... Everyone. It makes sense. It's natural. Every man I've ever loved has died. Including my baby. Thank you, universe. So, I should be, like... Greek tragedy, turned to stone, bat-crap crazy, but I'm good. I got this. I am fine. I'm telling you, I'm amazing. I am saving lives left and right. I am putting butts in the seats in that OR gallery. I mean, people are fighting to hear me lecture. I am entertaining. Joke, joke, joke! I'm funny! I'm fun! I'm a party! I'm doing... I'm great! I'm handling the dead Derek thing really well.
Except today, I yelled at Richard, who was only trying to invite me for coffee, and then I went and scored oxy from this junkie doctor.
But you haven't taken any?
Not yet. But I might. That's the thing. I really actually might. I have been sober for 1,321 days, Owen. I was fine. It was managed. But I might.
All this stuff you're... managing. You're not supposed to be managing it. You're supposed to be feeling it... Grief, loss, pain. It is normal.
It is. It is normal. It's not normal to you 'cause you've never done it. Instead of feeling it, feeling the grief and the pain, you've shoved it all down and you do drugs instead. Instead of moving through the pain, you run from it. You... Instead of dealing with being hurt and alone and afraid that this horrible, empty feeling is all there is, I run from it. I run off, and I sign up for another tour of active duty. We do these things. We run off, and we... we medicate. We do whatever it takes to cover it up and dull the sensation, but it's not normal. We're supposed to feel. We're supposed to love and hate... And hurt and grieve and break and... Be destroyed and... Rebuild ourselves to be destroyed again. That is human. That is humanity. That's... That's being alive. That's the point. That's the entire point. Don't... don't avoid it. Don't... Extinguish it.
Derek died. He died. I don't want to feel it. I... I don't think I can. I don't think I even want to... I can't. I can't. I can't do this. I can't.
You have to. If you don't...
No, I can't. Shh, I can't do this!
You have to. If you don't, that bag of oxy's not gonna be your last.
(Amelia breaks down in his arms.)
You're gonna be okay. You're gonna survive this, okay? Everybody does. It's perfectly normal. It's boring, even. It's so normal.
I love you too much! It's too much. Okay, my first husband. Okay, if he left, a piece of me always knew that I would be okay, and when he did leave, I was, but you... Ever since Derek died, I sit up in the middle of the night, gasping for air, terrified. I've been having these dreams that something happened to you. So, if something happened... I love you too much. Like, you are a piece of me. I love you. So... I need a plan. I need rules. I need some order, and I had just gotten used to your dumb miracle-man idea, and now you're telling me you want me to pull the plug, and I can't deal with that. I... Just order and, uh, some rules and a plan and some order in the middle of this, 'cause if I have to think about what could happen, it's too much.
I promise... I promise that I will let you die first.
Hey, I love you too much, too.
