Garth Marenghi's Darkplace quotes

Garth Marenghi

Hold her gently, like you wouldst a lover, lying in a field, nestled in the shade of a mighty oak tree. Perhap you're gently petting - having just enjoyed a hamper of chilled white wine and a selection of continental cheeses. Bon Appetit.

Get me Dr Rick Dagless M.D., NOW! Yes I’ll hold.

Dean Learner

Garth is the most significant artist that I’ve ever worked with, and I’ve worked with Lulu and four other people. So we’re talking crème de la crème.

What I do is sometimes get a tin of soup...

Yeah.

...Heat it up, poach an egg in it, serve that with a pork pie, sausage roll.

I'll get a Wimpy.

Garth Marenghi

Todd’s wonderful in this episode, and there are scenes with him and me where I think you’re watching him as much as me.

Liz

Apparently she was in for a routine operation to have her toe shortened, which was really long, like a finger. Then next thing she knew this happened. All in all she’s a little off colour.

I’ll look after Liz, you get this skin sample analysed. And keep this shtoom, if Won Ton gets wind of this my arse is grass and he’s got a lawnmower. Ya dig?

It’s taking her over. It’s very infectious Padre, and I fear the only way to stop this spreading will be to boil her.

Padre

You could... steam her.

Padre

You’ll know what to do. You’re the most sensitive man I know… and I know God.

Garth Marenghi

When I pray, and sometimes I do, I pray to myself. I pray that I can pull myself through. And if I’m lucky, I answer myself.

Look, I’ll level with you: Linda’s dying, she’s turning into broccoli. It’s very contagious, she must be boiled.

You’re both out of line! Now I’m not going to stand here and dance for you, I don’t have to. I wanna see both of you in my office five minutes ago, (looks at watch) so you’d best hurry up!

Look Sanch, I know all about Linda and I’m sorry, God knows I am. But slapping Dag’s ass about the shop ain’t gonna bring her back any. Now if Dag thinks that the only way to contain this is to boil her, then I’m backing him a hundred and ten percent. That means I could backtrack ten percent and I’d still be completely behind him.

You have no idea what this feels like old timer.

I’ve been there hombre, when I heard my wife died I could barely finish my lunch.

Dean Learner

The next sequence in the show, alas, is lost. The pertaining can of film was destroyed in a drink-related misadventure in Fulham. It was an idiotic altercation which I bitterly regret both for personal and professional reasons. However, with the aid of some photographic stills taken by the girlfriend of the time, we have reconstructed the missing scenes with added narration from the available cast. I hope that this does not impair your enjoyment of the drama.

Dean Learner

I fear that we’re seeing an end to the quality of television that you and I should be able to take for granted. We are seeing a dumbing-down of television... I think we're living in dangerous times. The horror genre is in decline... Reading is in decline, Literacy, Numeracy; the three Ls are in decline.