Dagless quotes from Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Of course! That's why these attacks are mysterious they're not conventional attacks.

What is it?

I've got two words for you Sanch, "telly kinesis"

What's your name, son?

(dying) Clive.

That's a strange name for an American.

I'm from Bermuda.

Ohhh, that explains it: British principality.

It's actually a dependent territory.

What's that?

The queen appoints a governor in charge of internal security and external defence, but she's still the de facto sovereign.

We have so much to teach each other.

I just can't believe the Temp is dead

It's alright Rick, we'll get another one.

C'mon Dag, what say I buy us all a drink down the drip?

I'd appreciate that, I could use a drink.

Liz

As long as it's not a screwdriver! [In reference to her killing the temp by stabbing him with screwdrivers psycho-kinetically]

Yes! I'd prefer a beer!

I, don't know anything about it. Besides, I think there are more important matters at present.

Could you give me an example?

Like hospital bloody hygiene. I went into the gents and there was a big pube on the pipe so I had to use the one in E Wing.

It's true I went there two month back and there was a piece of shit stuck to the seat.

Anyway, I'm outta here.

Not so fast, mister. Where were you last night?

Nowhere.

Nowhere?

That's right, nowhere.

Nowhere can be a lonely place to be.

I get by.

It's just that I've been hearing some things.

What things?

A lot of things. Strange things, crazy things. Things, Dag.

Things?

Things.

Well, shouldn't believe everything you hear Thornton.

You're hiding something Dag, I could swear it. I'm gonna give you 24 hours to get your sorry ship to shore. After that I'll do whatever it takes to 'unt you down.

I dunno what you're talking about.

24 hours Dag, 24 hours. 23 hours 59 minutes, don't make me stand 'ere and count.

See ya later. I would stay, but the air's starting to stink round here.

Not from me it's not, I just went.

Good God! Knocked my bloody tooth out!

(He picks up a chair) Keep away from me! Keep away! (He smashes the chair, which smashes, across the back of the doctor who went off the roof) I said keep away! (He then drags this doctor back and punches him in the face again. This doc takes a lot of punishment!)

He's insane! He doesn't know what he's doing! (Jim grabs hold of Dagless, and the other staff come in to subdue him) Pin him down man for Christ's sake!

I’m afraid Rick. I’m afraid of what I’m becoming. (Dagless sniffs the air deeply) Yep… that’s me. (Points to his hair) And this is unmanageable. I used to have the best hair in the hospital. And I’m starting to get some pretty primal urges.

I didn’t wanna say, but when I went into surgery this morning, you were waving your bits out the window.

I don’t even know I’m doing it. I thought I was helping attach a drip. I went to the padre to confess, ended up washing my arse in the font.

They’ve taken over!

Oh, no! Oh, Jesus! They've taken over! They've taken over!

I know!

Don’t drink that! Look, it’s bright green.

Thank God I only took a tiny sip.

Someone or something has been tampering with our water supply. I’m going to the water storeroom. I have a hunch that whoever, or whatever he, or she, or it is, will be in there.

Right! I’ll stay here and try and recuperate as fast as I can.

Garth Marenghi

I know writers who use subtext and they're all cowards. OK? What I was asking in that scene is: what if politicians continue to pay doctors peanuts, could they literally turn into monkeys? And no-one's asked that before.

(voice over) It was here that I found the fiendish fount of this fear. An Apeloid micturating – which means urinating – on my erstwhile – which means former – buddy. I had a hunch this guy was the head honcho.

The cabin crew suggested we all go out and club it. I had no option. It was that or one of their B&Bs. I figured it'd be safer on the streets. For the first time ever I saw the Scotch in their natural habitat, and it weren't pretty. I'd seen them huddling in stations before, being loud but… this time I was surrounded. Everywhere I went it felt like they were watching me; fish-white flesh puckered by the Highland breeze; tight eyes peering out for fresh meat; screechy, booze-soaked voices hollering out for a taxi to take 'em halfway up the road to the next all-night watering hole. A shatter of glass; a round of applause; a sixteen-year-old mother of three vomiting in an open sewer, bairns looking on, chewing on potato cakes. I ain’t never going back… not never.

My aunt lives in Scotland; she says it's quite nice.

Well, she's wrong.

Can I speak frankly?

Of course.

If you act like a cheap arsehole, expect the shittiest portion.

What I do is sometimes get a tin of soup...

Yeah.

...Heat it up, poach an egg in it, serve that with a pork pie, sausage roll.

I'll get a Wimpy.

It’s taking her over. It’s very infectious Padre, and I fear the only way to stop this spreading will be to boil her.

Padre

You could... steam her.