Garth Marenghi quotes from Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Garth Marenghi

If you use anti-perspirant it clogs up your pores, if you clog up you're pores you're gonna sweat elsewhere... and if you block up everything well then you're gonna sweat inside, and get cancer.

Garth Marenghi

You know, my books are all essentially about ‘what ifs’. In Black Fang I asked: What if a rat could drive a bus? And what if it and its rat brethren took over and ate Parliament? When I wrote, directed and starred in tonight’s episode of Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace, I was asking another ‘what if’. Now, I won’t tell you which ‘what if’ it is, but it’s basically along the same lines but with a different animal. Without giving too much away, think Planet of The Apes.

Garth Marenghi

(sitting at his desk, reading from one of his novels The Told) Nina's eyes popped out of what was left of her back. Why oh why had she opened that tomb? The sand turned red. This was because she was bleeding on it. Blood - ruby-red blood, her blood. Blood… and piss and shit. This was the worst day of her life.

Garth Marenghi

Welcome, friend. You know, a lot of people say: 'Garth Marenghi? Isn’t he the guy who writes all that horror crap?' Well, good luck to you, you’re an idiot. Because my books always say something, even if it’s just something simple like: 'Don’t genetically engineer crabs to be as big as men', there's always a message or a theme. When I wrote, directed, and starred in Garth Marenghi's Darkplace back in the 1980s, I gave every episode a theme—even when we were running out of time, or I was really tired.

Garth Marenghi

Listen to me: I am not prejudiced, all right? That's what I’m saying: I am not prejudiced. But Joe Public is. You probably are, you look like a dropout [shrugs]. Point being, I wrote this to heal Britain.

Garth Marenghi

As a writer, I make my own rules up, okay? If I wanna start a sentence with a full-stop I will. If I want to highlight social prejudice, I will, but I’ll do it my way. And sometimes you actually have to be a bigot, in order to bring down bigger bigots.

Garth Marenghi

I’ve always loved the great tragedies; King Lear, the Poseidon Adventure, Superman 2, and when I wrote, directed and starred in Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace, I set out to continue that grand tradition. This eve’s yarn is a simple tale o’ heartbreak. An eternal story of love and loss, set against the backdrop of an abortive alien invasion. Though you don’t actually find out it’s abortive till the end of the show. It’s my Romeo and Juliet, but less whiny.

Garth Marenghi

Hold her gently, like you wouldst a lover, lying in a field, nestled in the shade of a mighty oak tree. Perhap you're gently petting - having just enjoyed a hamper of chilled white wine and a selection of continental cheeses. Bon Appetit.

Garth Marenghi

Todd’s wonderful in this episode, and there are scenes with him and me where I think you’re watching him as much as me.

Garth Marenghi

When I pray, and sometimes I do, I pray to myself. I pray that I can pull myself through. And if I’m lucky, I answer myself.

Garth Marenghi

'Cause I will not pay a licence. I believe that the gift of Darkplace is a [stutters] such a sufficient gift to television that I don't believe I ever should really have to pay a licence ever again, I really don't. That's my gift; I've paid my licence, a hundred times over with just one episode of Darkplace. So if they come gipping me again for a licence [pauses] up theirs.

Garth Marenghi

They often say to people, ‘You've got a sweet tooth.’ With me they say, ‘You've got a meat tooth.’ And they’re right. I love meat. Pam loves meat. The children don’t love meat, but that’s what we cook them. And until they can afford to buy their own vegetarian food, they're just gonna have to lump it.

Garth Marenghi

I do not believe that any form of life, be it human, animal, or plant, should be hurt in the making of a television programme. So I personally feel really bad about that cat we killed.

Dean Learner

I had a cat once. I dropped a sofa on it, it was a write-off, so I stood on its head.

Garth Marenghi

(singing) Day draws into nightfall, yonder stars shine bright.You can be my baby, I hope that is alright.

(singing) Daddy, don't forget me.

Garth Marenghi

(singing) I haven't' but you're dead. You have a little brother now. And someday we'll all meet. In Valhalla.

Garth Marenghi

I know writers who use subtext and they're all cowards. OK? What I was asking in that scene is: what if politicians continue to pay doctors peanuts, could they literally turn into monkeys? And no-one's asked that before.

(voice over) It was here that I found the fiendish fount of this fear. An Apeloid micturating – which means urinating – on my erstwhile – which means former – buddy. I had a hunch this guy was the head honcho.