John Robert Crichton quotes from Farscape

Crichton

Harvey? You're not dead.

Of course not. I am the undead.

Crichton

That's not funny. The son of a bitch said he took you out of my head.

Scorpius? He upgraded me to Harvey 2.0. One of my many improvements: utter loyalty to Scorpius.

Crichton

That's not an improvement.

Oh, but it is! His course is the correct one: eliminate Scarran threat!

Crichton

You know, I don't give a damn about his agenda.

You must - go back for him.

Crichton

Go back to sleep before I drive a stake through your heart!

Crichton

Now, before anybody decides to get clever, you should know I have multiple dead man's sensors from every culture on my ship and a few cultures I haven't heard of. My heart stops, we all go boom. My heart speeds up, it's boom again. Too hot, too cold, too happy, too sad, thirsty, hungry, bored, it's John Lee Hooker time. Boom, boom, boom. (to the Scarran contingent) And you try your little psychic trick, kaboom, and we're all pushin' up day-glo daisies.

Why do I doubt that?

Crichton

Because you lack imagination.

What do you want?

Crichton

"What do I want?" "What do I want?" I have not been chasing my ass all over the galaxy trying to pull out chunks of my brain. I have not been sneaking fembots and Skreeths into the places where I live. You want something! You. You want what's inside my head. You want what I know about wormholes. Because I can leap tall galaxies in a single bound! I can scorch planets with a wave of my hand, and you and you and you... you can't do jack.

Grayza

That's not true.

Crichton

Oh really? You command the stars to do your bidding? I know you can't. (to the Kalish) And you can't. (to the Charrids) And you can't. (back to Grayza) And you won't. But I have.

Then why are you here?

Crichton

Because I... am an American. And what does an American want? Democracy? Capitalism! I want to sell out and settle down! For one day only, it's a blue-light special on aisle three! My wormhole technology, and a free set of steak knives, for all the tea in China. And anything you can imagine to pay me.

Pay?

Crichton

Yes, pay! Cash!

He's crazy!

Aeryn

Isn't it fun?

Crichton

Welcome to my cold war. Now... what am I offered for all the powers of the universe?

A bargain is struck. However, an agreement requires trust, which thus far has been one-sided. Now you tell me what else you really want.

Crichton

[after a moment's thought] When you wake up, in the morning, on your big Emperor bed and you listen... what do you hear? Do you hear the little Emperor birdies singing outside your window? Do you hear the Emperor wind whistling through the trees? Or do you hear people dying? Do you hear your friends begging for mercy? Do you hear doors being kicked in because people are hunting you? Do you hear the sound of your heart pounding in your ears? What I want, Santa Claus, for the rest of my life... I wanna wake up like an Emperor.

Your safety, guaranteed. In just a few arns.

Crichton

Bill Gates can't guarantee Windows, how can you guarantee my safety?

With great effort... and great sincerity. Though at some point, my largesse will dissipate!

Were you planning to leave?

Crichton

Temporarily. Grayza called with another offer. But you had a riot going on, we didn't want to bother you, we decided to take our own car.

I'm glad you didn't. Base defenses have been placed on highest alert. Any non-Scarran vessels will automatically be targeted and destroyed.

Crichton

We're very lucky.

We'll transport you to the carrier.

Crichton

That's very kind.

My pleasure. John.

Sikozu

They're trying to override the overrides!

Crichton

Duelling overrides. Don't you hate that?

Crichton

What the hell's going on up there?

D'argo

We couldn't override their override of our override.

Crichton

Hey, did you get my bomb?

Chiana

What?!

Crichton

Wh... I can't believe it. I left a nuclear bomb in an elevator.

Chiana

That's all right. You've done worse.

Crichton

Do the math. It's over.

Scorpius

I do not lose!

Crichton

Be happy to give you lessons.

Crichton

You used me.

Scorpius

We used each other.

Crichton

You're better at it.

Scorpius

Oh, you're learning. The bomb? Clever.

Crichton

When it goes off... plan on being nearby.

Grayza

You came in here big and bold, dancing on tabletops. And look at you now, begging for scraps.

Crichton

I may be jammed, possibly dead. But I am not begging; you can get that fantasy out of your head.

Grayza

In my hands, you can have peace! I can have peace!

I have been in your hands! There's no peace there - just power.

Grayza

You are so self-righteous! I have used all my skills, all my resources, for one perfect chance at peace! And because of you, it is gone! And I am...

Crichton

Frelled? Screwed? Raped? Welcome to the universe, Commandant.

Crichton

What did you imagine for your life?

Aeryn

Service. Promotion. Retirement. Death. You?

Crichton

This is exactly what I imagined. And a couple of kids.

Chiana

Pop the frelling bubble! Make the wormhole collapse!

Crichton

Pip, I can't do it.

Chiana

Yes, you can!

Crichton

I'm not… I'm not smart enough…

Chiana

Yes, you can!

Crichton

… I'm not fast enough, I am not alien enough, and you know what, there are people in the universe who don't like me!