Emperor Staleek quotes from Farscape

Crichton

Now, before anybody decides to get clever, you should know I have multiple dead man's sensors from every culture on my ship and a few cultures I haven't heard of. My heart stops, we all go boom. My heart speeds up, it's boom again. Too hot, too cold, too happy, too sad, thirsty, hungry, bored, it's John Lee Hooker time. Boom, boom, boom. (to the Scarran contingent) And you try your little psychic trick, kaboom, and we're all pushin' up day-glo daisies.

Why do I doubt that?

Crichton

Because you lack imagination.

What do you want?

Crichton

"What do I want?" "What do I want?" I have not been chasing my ass all over the galaxy trying to pull out chunks of my brain. I have not been sneaking fembots and Skreeths into the places where I live. You want something! You. You want what's inside my head. You want what I know about wormholes. Because I can leap tall galaxies in a single bound! I can scorch planets with a wave of my hand, and you and you and you... you can't do jack.

Grayza

That's not true.

Crichton

Oh really? You command the stars to do your bidding? I know you can't. (to the Kalish) And you can't. (to the Charrids) And you can't. (back to Grayza) And you won't. But I have.

Then why are you here?

Crichton

Because I... am an American. And what does an American want? Democracy? Capitalism! I want to sell out and settle down! For one day only, it's a blue-light special on aisle three! My wormhole technology, and a free set of steak knives, for all the tea in China. And anything you can imagine to pay me.

Pay?

Crichton

Yes, pay! Cash!

He's crazy!

Aeryn

Isn't it fun?

Crichton

Welcome to my cold war. Now... what am I offered for all the powers of the universe?

A bargain is struck. However, an agreement requires trust, which thus far has been one-sided. Now you tell me what else you really want.

Crichton

[after a moment's thought] When you wake up, in the morning, on your big Emperor bed and you listen... what do you hear? Do you hear the little Emperor birdies singing outside your window? Do you hear the Emperor wind whistling through the trees? Or do you hear people dying? Do you hear your friends begging for mercy? Do you hear doors being kicked in because people are hunting you? Do you hear the sound of your heart pounding in your ears? What I want, Santa Claus, for the rest of my life... I wanna wake up like an Emperor.

Your safety, guaranteed. In just a few arns.

Crichton

Bill Gates can't guarantee Windows, how can you guarantee my safety?

With great effort... and great sincerity. Though at some point, my largesse will dissipate!

Were you planning to leave?

Crichton

Temporarily. Grayza called with another offer. But you had a riot going on, we didn't want to bother you, we decided to take our own car.

I'm glad you didn't. Base defenses have been placed on highest alert. Any non-Scarran vessels will automatically be targeted and destroyed.

Crichton

We're very lucky.

We'll transport you to the carrier.

Crichton

That's very kind.

My pleasure. John.