John Robert Crichton quotes from Farscape

She wants me?

Yeah. Zhaan wants to hear it from you. She won't listen to Rygel.

I told you! You all say I'm paranoid, but it's true: no one ever frelling listens to me!

Can it, furball.

Great! Now I'm getting yotz from my own body!

D'Argo

The bad news is that you are married and you must endure as a statue for eighty cycles in a strange world.

Crichton

What's the good news?

D'Argo

Chiana and I are having fantastic sex.

D'Argo

[to statue John] Do you feel any pain?

Crichton

No, but I'd really like to pick my nose.

D'Argo

[chuckling] He remains without a sense of humor. It's good to hear your voice, John.

Crichton

Yours too. Hey can I say hi to Chiana?

D'Argo

[passes the speaker earpiece to her] Chiana.

Chiana

You look great in bronze.

Crichton

You look great in pink. Brings out your eyes.

Crais

FREEZE! You're under arrest! You have the right to the remains of a silent attorney! If you cannot afford one... tough noogies! You can make ONE phone call! I recommend Trixie: 976-Triple 5-LOVE. Do you understand these rights as I have explained them to you?! Well do ya, PUNK?

Crichton

No...

Crais

Well... then I can't arrest you!

Zhaan

I'm Doctor Kaminsky.

Crichton

Uh-huh. And, uh, you're a psychiatrist?

Zhaan

Mm-hmm.

Crichton

I don't think so. On Earth, psychiatrists don't come in blue.

Zhaan

Do you have a problem with people of colour?

Crichton

I have a contextual problem. You're an alien.

Zhaan

Yes, that's true. But I do have a Green Card.

Crichton

Interesting. Are you or are you not blue?

Zhaan

Would it matter to you if I was?

Crichton

Do you always answer a question with a question?

Zhaan

Does that bother you?

You're the one who wanted a child. I wanted a terrier!

Oh, you couldn't give me what I really wanted.

Oh, so we get this loser! He can't fetch a ball, he can't get my slippers, he can't even land a damn module in one piece!

Aeryn

Do you think it's possible... that Stark survived?

Crichton

Since I got here, I've seen a lot of impossible things.

Crichton

Bitchin' man.

Rygel

Bitchin'.

Crichton

You ever hear of KFC?

KFC?

Crichton

It is, to my knowledge, unique in the universe, and unique is always valuable. Now, we have managed to procure all eleven secret ingredients.

Scorpius

Insert it! Insert it! Insert it! Insert the rod, John!

Crichton

You're really not my type!

Crichton

He's here and... um, he blames me. He blames me for killing Scorpious. So I've been... I've been trying... trying to... uh...

D'Argo

Trying to what, John?!

D'Argo... kill me. D'Argo, please... kill me.

Crichton

Commuter forecast on your travel day, storms expected just for you... [John notices Borlik is no longer in the capsule]

[up against the wall sounding pleased] I think I'll be able to share my purification. It took all my strength, but I was able to reconfig the magnetics and stick here. By the time you cut me down, the storm will be upon us. [resumes chanting]

Crichton

[slowly walking away] You're too smart...

[still smiling but slightly confused] Where are you going?

Crichton

Uh, you win, we lose. You-you outsmarted us...

[looks really pleased and relieved]

Crichton

But that door you're stuck to? It's detachable.

[looking panicked] NO!

Crichton

[nonchalantly] Yes...

NO, YOU LIE! No, you'll still be purified! [while John is rolling his hand] The Holy Gezma's punishment will be brought down upon you!

Crichton

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! Pilot, I'm clear! Detach the door, and suck this bitch out!

[maniacal laughter as he ejects Borlik into space to be struck by the storm]

Aeryn

Do you understand any of those words?

Crichton

Yeah, I watched all kinds of Star Trek. It's just the order that they're in.

Crichton

If he masters wormhole technology, what do you think he'll use it for?

Faster delivery of pizzas.

Crichton

You been lyin' to your daddy boy, and you know you shouldn't lie to your daddy! It's gonna stop! Now, who’s your daddy? C’mon, you know who your daddy is. Who’s your daddy? D’Argo, tell him who his daddy is.

D'Argo

I’m your daddy.

Crichton

That's right.