John Robert Crichton quotes from Farscape

D'Argo

Zhaan, let me explain to you what is going on inside my nose right now. Large pieces of green mucus, gunk...

Crichton

D'Argo, D'Argo, no no no. Stop it with the Luxan poetry.

Crichton

How you doing?

D'Argo

I have to pee. [Both start laughing]

D'Argo

Fear accompanies the possibility of death. Calm shepherds its certainty.

Crichton

I love hanging with you, man.

D'Argo

As John once said, I would rather go down on a swing!

Crichton

Swinging. Go down swinging.

Crichton

How many times have we been close?

Aeryn

[Looking at D'Argo and whispering back] Just the once.

Crichton

[quietly] No, no no no. not that kind of close.

Aeryn

Oh, you mean friend close. Umm, [clears throat] more than once.

D'Argo

Paper cannot possibly beat rock.

Crichton

It does. Paper beats rock.

D'Argo

Rock rips through paper.

Crichton

D'Argo, that's not how it works. Paper beats rock.

D'Argo

That's unrealistic.

Revenge is a dish best served cold, and you like revenge, don't you, John?

Crichton

Shut up! I hate it when villains quote Shakespeare.

[in a Hawaiian shirt, about Aeryn] Kill her! Then we'll have pizza! [holds up bottles] And margarita shooters! Go on, John, do it. Do it!

Crichton

[points both his weapons at Scorpius] No one has margaritas with pizza!

Crichton

[about the paste Zhaan is spreading on his face] What the hell is this?

Zhaan

Heat-deflecting paste; you'll burn up in there without it.

Crichton

Smells like puke.

Zhaan

I pre-digested it to increase its potency.

Crichton

It's puke?!

Crichton

Maldis! C’mon you old bastard, show your ugly face. Haven’t you read the super villain’s handbook? This is where you’re supposed to twirl your moustache and gloat.

I don't have a moustache, John.

Have you forgotten? Fear makes me stronger. Fear and the terror of helplessness. "These are a few of my favorite things."

Crichton

Oh, could you do that "farewell, goodbye" song the kids sing? It's one of my favorites--

I DON'T DO REQUESTS!

Crichton

Have we sent the "don't shoot us, we're pathetic" transmission yet?

D'Argo

That was actually the first thing we tried.

John

Well they say you have to walk a mile in someone's shoes to understand them.

Aeryn

Well I certainly know what you were doing when you were in my shoes, Crichton.

John

Gimme a break.

Aeryn

It's okay. It's okay, you know. You were in my shoes, I was in your pants...

Oh, come on, man! I'm... They're here. They're right here. They've been here for a couple of arns, and I just had to...

You are mentally damaged.

I'm a guy. A guy. Guys dream about this sort of thing.

I'll tell you one thing Crichton, if I find you've been dreaming anything else to my body I'll break your legs, even if they are mine.

[about peeing] Could you show me how to do this?

Oh my god... unzip.

Right!

Pull it out. Point it like a gun. And shoot.

Aimed the right way?

Yes, that's fine.