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SEASON 1

Everybody Hates Chris · Season 1

Everybody Hates Chris Season 1 quotes

729 quotes · page 9 of 49

Everybody Hates Chris

All S1

S1 E15Unfinished Business

With Ms. Morello gone, we had every kind of substitute imaginable. We had out-of-work actors.

MSMale Substitute Teacher #1

To be or not to be? That is the question.

We had out-of-work dancers.

FSFemale Substitute Teacher

Can one of you kids get that bucket of water and throw it on me?

And sometimes we had out-of-work teachers.

MSMale Substitute Teacher #2

Enjoy this while you still can, 'cause believe me, it's all downhill from here.

We'd had just about every type of sub we could think of, except one: a black sub.

[about Ms. Morello] She went on a trip to Africa to help fight off an outbreak of yellow fever.

It was more like she went to Harlem to fight off an outbreak of jungle fever.

Are you serious?

As a catastrophic cardiac infarction.

Quit showin' off, just say "heart attack!"

[to Chris] Hey Ebony. [to Greg] Ivory.

Good morning. I'm Mr. Newton.

More like Mr. Tibbs.

[Mr. Newton is dressed as a drill sergeant and squirting Chris, who's carrying a book in each hand, with a hose]

It's a B minus, all right?

No, sir!

Do you wanna learn?

Yes, sir!

Do you wanna quit?

No, sir!

Do you wanna go to another school?

No, sir!

Why?

'Cause I have no other place to go!

Then you better answer my question: What's A squared plus B squared?

C squared!

I can't hear you!

C squared! It's C squared!

That's right! That's what I'm talkin' about!

That was the worst wet T-shirt contest ever.

Nothing made Drew unwind better than watching hockey, and nothing could wind him up faster than Tonya.

Tonya got more people in trouble than a white girl at an NBA after-party.

[to Caruso] You don't see me making fun of you because you look like a Brooklyn Beach Barney Rubble.

I'm raisin' men in this house, and men do not hit women.

That meant you couldn't hit a girl even if you were supposed to hit her.

[Drew is in a boxing match with a female boxer; he tries to punch her]

You better not hit that girl!

[the female boxer punches Drew, knocking him out]

This exam is critically important, so I advise all of you to study hard. Especially you, Chris.

Man, I can't believe this. The guy's gonna kill me. It's not like I didn't have it bad enough comin' to this school from the other side of town, havin' the kids kick the crap outta me, but now the teacher's gonna kick the crap outta me too.

Quit complaining, Kareem. I love this guy. I didn't like him at first because of the whole black thing, but I'm doing better at math now. And the things he taught me about jazz, forget about it.

You! You did this to me!

I didn't know you were gonna get shot.

You sent me to this hellhole! This is your fault! Oh, you just gonna stand there?! I know where you live! I tried to teach you! I tried to help... get your hands off of... I know who your people is! Tried to help you!

You shouldn't be embarrassed that your boy only has a fifth-grade reading level. You should be embarrassed that he's 27! He should be reading "War and Peace," not "Horton Hears a Who!"

Only problem with my mother helping at a book fair was she didn't read books and she wasn't fair.

[to a young girl reading "Hollywood Wives" by Jackie Collins] Girl, does your mother know you over here readin' grown-up books? [takes the book from the girl] Gimme that. [picks up a copy of "Flowers in the Attic" by V.C. Andrews] "Flowers in the Attic." Now that sounds nice. [gives the book to the girl] Read that. You done lost your Jackie Collins mind. And don't cut your eyes at me, either.

Who you gonna call?

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